Grieving Parent

Category: Comforting Thoughts

  • Lighting Candles at Church

    Lighting Candles at Church

    The Compassionate Friends have an annual candle lighting ceremony and lighting candles is an important ritual in the Catholic Church. I light candles for Richard at least once a week.

    So why do we light candles?

    In lighting candles we see our prayer rising up to heaven. We join our prayer in solidarity with others that have lit candles before us.

    Also in the literature about life after death you see a lot about moving into the light. And in the Bible, Christ says, “I am the light of the world.” So our candles become a symbol of the One Light of Christ.

    In Catholic churches candles are usually placed before statues of saints. In our church the candles are before statues of the Blessed Mother and Joseph. In our faith we ask these saints to intercede on our behalf. With their personal relationships with Christ, we believe their intercession gives our prayer more power.

    While saying prayers for Richard and others I love, I also offer prayers for those souls that don’t have anyone on earth praying for them.

  • Faith

    Faith

    Faith seems to play a big part in dealing with our grief. It even played a part in causing our grief.

    Faith in the medical profession was a big factor in Richard’s death. I’m sure the generic seizure medicine caused him to have his last seizure. We believed what they all told us – that generics were just the same as the more expensive name brand drugs. I’m sure Richard believed this. So he didn’t think it was all that important to go to his doctor to see if the switch to the generic was OK. But generics aren’t the same.

    We require faith to believe Richard is dead. We never saw him after he died. He’d been dead for several days before he was found, and he wasn’t in good shape. You’ve watched scenes on TV shows where the next of kin come to the morgue to identify the body. Well we didn’t have to do that. I didn’t want our last memory of Richard to be something ugly so I didn’t ask to see him, and they didn’t offer the opportunity.

    Who knows, maybe Richard is part of the witness protection program somewhere. But I also have faith that he would find a way to let us know if that was the case.

    And that brings me to the real biggy of faith – faith in God.

    Our faith that Richard is gone from this earth, but he isn’t gone. Faith that he lives on in the spirit world. Faith we’ll join him there when our time on earth is done.

    Faith that God has reasons for taking Richard back.

    Richard had a quiet faith. I didn’t hear him going around quoting Bible verses. Didn’t hear him preaching religion to his friends. But he showed his faith with his actions.

    On his last day of life he bought a new Bible. It was a large print version. Don’t know why he bought it. He had his Bible – a young adult oriented study version. It was well worn and used looking. Maybe he was going to give the new one to someone. Maybe he somehow knew he wouldn’t be needing it long, and I’d end up with it, so he got one my aging eyes could see better.

    Richard was a regular at our church youth group. They went to a ministry camp every summer. The picture above is Richard playing the part of Christ in a reenactment they did his last summer in youth group. Debbie told me she didn’t like that picture. The image of her son looking like that made her nervous. It was too real. But Richard had faith.

    And our faith that things we don’t understand have a reason, and we’ll know those reasons someday, is what let’s us keep it together now.

  • The Grief Roller Coaster

    The Grief Roller Coaster

    Life after lossing a child has been a big roller coaster ride.

    There have been a lot of deep plunges into the unknown.

    And then there have been times the track has leveled out, maybe even climbed a small hill or two.

    But the ride continues and the path ahead is uncertain.

    Right now the track has smoothed out some. Mostly because of the dream I had of Richard. I’ve felt more at peace since having that dream than at anytime since Richard left us.

    I don’t why – because it was just a dream. But it had a big impact.

    I don’t know how long this peace will last. The roller coaster ride goes on.

  • It Seemed SO Real

    It Seemed SO Real

    Since Richard’s death I haven’t dreamed about him. There was the one weird dream about him making comments on Facebook. But he hasn’t been in my dreams in person.

    Until last night.

    It was one of those incredibly vivid dreams. The kind that seem so very real. Intensely real. And Richard was there. Alive.

    I was standing there talking to him, in what seemed to be a kitchen, but it wasn’t our house.

    I remember telling him, “You really shook us up there. You’re kind of important to us, you know?”

    And he said, “Yeah… I know.”

    I’ve read many accounts of people claiming after death communications with their loved one. A lot of them see the person with maybe only an upper body, or opaque so they can see through them. And most have light radiating out behind them. This wasn’t like that at all. It was Richard in his normal body. No Hollywood lighting effects.

    And he didn’t come to tell me that he was happy where he is now and it was OK, like most of the other people have reported. He was just back, and alive.

    And I remember hugging him. And hugging him. And then I got Debbie to come over and join in. We had a big old group hug. And Richard hugged back. And didn’t protest. That should have tipped me off right there I was dreaming. Richard would never have gone along with all that huggie-wuggie stuff in real life.

    And I felt such intense joy.

    I joked with him that he’d have to come visit me in prison because they’d probably lock me up for insurance fraud now that he was alive. And I wondered who or what we actually buried out there in that big oak box anyway?

    I told him, “We have to tell everybody you’re back and alive,” and he said, “Nobody cares about that.” I assured him many people did care a great deal, such as his big sister for one.

    I don’t remember when Richard left my dream, but I know I dreamed more stuff and he wasn’t there.

    And I woke up. It took several seconds to realize I was in my bed. It was dark out. And then I knew it had only been a dream. And I was honestly stunned it had been a dream. It just seemed so incredibly real – the most realistic dream I ever remember having.

    I’ve posted this story in the “Comforting Thoughts” category.

    Yes, I was very disappointed when I finally realized it had been a dream. And the nightmare of Richard being dead again was disheartening.

    But seeing and talking to Richard in my dream, touching him, brought me comfort even when I was awake.

    And I don’t understand why.

  • A Nice Call

    A Nice Call

    Got a call from Dusty Rhodes today.

    Dusty is Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY and the regional coordinator. Debbie has been to a few meetings there and we both went to the last meeting before Christmas.

    Dusty called to just let us know he was thinking about us. This is our first Christmas without Richard. Having lost his son several years ago, he knew this would be a tough time for us.

    It was nice of him to take the time to check up on us. This is still a tough time for him too.