Grieving Parent

Category: Comforting Thoughts

Happy Birthday Lucas Holt

Dear Lucas,

We’ve never met. But I’ve thought of you often during the past year. Just wanted to send you a quick note to wish you a happy birthday.

I’m Richard’s dad. I’m sure you two have met by now. He’s got the plot just up the hill from you. I visit him often. While checking out his neighbors – beside his grandmother who is right behind him up the hill there (she’s my mom) – I couldn’t help but notice you.

Isn’t it wild that you and Richard were almost exactly the same age when you died? Right at 3 months short of being 24 years old.

What did people call you? Lucas? Luc? Maybe you went by your middle name, Graham? If you were Graham did anyone shorten it and just call you Ham? Sorry, I have a weird sense of humor. Having my kid die hasn’t improved it, I’m afraid.

I have no idea what brought you here to Grove Hill Cemetery. Were you sick? Have a wreck? Were you like so many, and decided life was too tough and ended it yourself? Did someone do something horrible to you?

I’ve thought of calling your parents to ask about you. Maybe they could give me some pointers on dealing with this awful loss that we share. Just haven’t screwed up the courage for that yet. But someday.

I can tell by the picture of you etched into your headstone that you had a pleasant smile. Richard had a glorious smile, and he knew how to use it. I really miss that smile.

Here is a birthday present someone left you.

I can also see you were into golf. They attached one of your golf clubs and your hat to your monument. That’s kinda neat.

Someone left you some new golf balls for your birthday. Don’t know if you need them, you probably never lose one when you play up there.

Richard liked golf too. We still have his golf clubs upstairs.

He’d probably play a few rounds with you. Maybe you’ve already played. Probably so.

Anyhow, happy birthday.

I know your parents are missing you today. I know they’re missing you everyday, but today the volume on that is amplified a lot. I’ll say a prayer for them.

I hope you enjoy the flowers I left for you. It still seems sort of strange giving flowers to a guy. But everything seems strange these days, so what the hell.

Best wishes,
Joe Mudd

P.S. When you see Richard again, tell him to call home. I’ve got questions. Thanks.

06/23/2010
Spring In The Cemetery

Though it often hasn’t felt possible after Richard’s death, life does indeed go on.

Spring is when nature shows us there is hope. There is new life.

I took my camera to the cemetery this morning. Even in a place that is the focus of our pain there is also much beauty.

Hope you enjoy the pictures (click the thumbnail pictures below to see the full size image).

04/23/2010
To An Unconquerable Soul

Invictus – William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

04/09/2010
St. Patrick

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

Pictured above is my uniform for the day. They were Richard’s clothes.

One of the sacraments in the Catholic church is Confirmation. When we were babies our parents chose to have us baptized into the Catholic church. When we get older, usually middle school aged, we confirm that we choose this faith for ourselves. One element of the Sacrament of Confirmation is choosing a Confirmation name. The young person picks the name of a saint to be their patron.

Richard chose Patrick as his confirmation name.

We are having today’s mass offered for Richard.

We also bought some shamrocks to plant at his grave. But not knowing how cold/frost tolerant they are, we’ll wait for warmer weather to actually put them in the ground.

This is a prayer composed by St. Patrick, also known as “St. Patrick’s Breast-Plate.”

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God’s Power to guide me,
God’s Might to uphold me,
God’s Wisdom to teach me,
God’s Eye to watch over me,
God’s Ear to hear me,
God’s Word to give me speech,
God’s Hand to guide me,
God’s Way to lie before me,
God’s Shield to shelter me,
God’s Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

We need no special days to remember Richard, in fact we think of him every day. But this is a day to honor his memory and his spirit.

And to miss him.

03/17/2010
Onions

One of the best things for spiritual healing is to get outside. Into the sunshine – into the light.

Winter makes this hard to do. But spring is finally offering it’s first teasing tastes of better days ahead.

This weekend brought us temps in the low 50’s and sunshine.

I went out to my garden and planted some onions.

I felt good to be in the warm rays of the sun again. To breath fresh healing air.

As I worked on my knees putting the onion plants into the soil I heard a noise. It was in the stack of tomato cages I have piled up in the middle of the garden. I thought there were birds in there flapping around. But no birds. Just air swirling around with a bunch of leaves. A mini tornado. It moved around inside the cages, then worked its way to the end of the pile and moved away.

I got up to go to the shed. Another mini tornado popped up in front of me. It swilled around before me. Sort of led the way to the shed then vanished.

Was that some kind of sign from Richard? Or just the spring breeze?

Who knows?

Like most of life since Richard left us, I have no answers.

Just lots of questions.

03/08/2010