The Lost Christmas Eve

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by Joe Mudd on December 5, 2010

It may be a long night.

I’m sitting here listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra album called “The Lost Christmas Eve.” I’m on the second repeat so far. There will probably be many more. When I get in these moods I can listen to the same music over and over for hours.

The lost Christmas Eve… the lost Christmas spirit. It’s now our life. Christmas has gone away.

DO ANGELS KEEP THE DREAMS WE SEEK
WHILE OUR HEARTS LIE BLEEDING?

I remember Richard’s first Christmas. He was 4 months old. We put him on the floor in front of the Christmas tree. He would light up brighter than the bulbs on the tree, squeal with delight, and try with all his might to wriggle to that tree.

As he was growing up he liked to crawl up under the tree, lie on his back and just lay there looking up through the branches at the lights.

Richard always made sure the lights on the tree were plugged in. He wouldn’t let us vary much from our Christmas traditions and rituals. He loved it.

AND THE TIME AND THE YEARS
AND THE TEARS AND THE COST
AND THE HOPES AND THE DREAMS
OF EACH CHILD THAT IS LOST

Last year we only turned on the lights a couple of times – when we put up the tree at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas.

So far this year the tree is still in the box.

SOMEWHERE IN THE DARK
BEYOND ALL THE COLD
THERE IS A CHILD
THAT’S PART OF MY SOUL

And now Christmas is lost. It’s buried in an oak box, under a couple of feet of earth. And I don’t know how to find it. And I sit in the wee hours of the morning riding the music, when I should be sleeping.

THE LURE OF A DREAM
AND I’M AFRAID TO WALK BACK THROUGH THAT DOOR
TO FIND THAT I’VE AWAKENED

I feel guilty because I can’t find Christmas. I still have a beautiful daughter. A great wife. A loving and supportive family. Friends that care.

GOT TO GET BACK TO A REASON
GOT TO GET BACK TO A REASON I ONCE KNEW

And I know Richard has now reached the great promise of Christmas. That same promise tells us we’ll be with him again when the time is right.

But that’s such a hard thought to hold onto.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

susan samsel December 29, 2010 at 9:16 pm

Your writing is beautiful. I can relate to how you feel. I lost my 5 month old son to SIDS on November 25, 2000, exactly one month to Christmas. My son never got a first Christmas. I try to be strong for my two other children, but am having a hard time. They are away for a few days with my ex husbands family. I feel like my life ended on that horrible day 10 years ago. I’m glad I stumbled across this site. I was looking for a song that I had remembered and came across this site. Thank you for your touching words.

Take Care,
Sue Samsel

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Joe Mudd December 31, 2010 at 12:14 am

Susan,

I’m sorry you never got the chance to have Christmas with your son. This is a hard time of year for us all.

Christmas for us will never be the same. But I know how much Richard loved this time of year and how disappointed he would be if we didn’t celebrate it with the rest of the family he loved dearly as well. So we somehow manage to get through, and include him in some way, mainly by putting decorations up for him at the cemetery.

But there remains an empty place where he once was and I don’t feel bad if I have to stop or spend some time just missing him and shedding a lot of tears.

It doesn’t matter how old they were or how long they have been gone, they were our babies and they took a piece of our hearts when they left. But at the same time they left us a little piece of themselves to cherish and be thankful for.

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nerissa perez February 2, 2014 at 9:47 am

my 5 year old son jared just died last january 26 because of pneumonia and other complication, and his interment was just yesterday, it took me an effort not to cry infront of my husband and our oldest son who is 10 yrs old,i want them to be strong and tough. i shed my tears late at night and i am planning to make a journal wherein i could let all my emotions go.

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