It has now been 4 months since the “official” date of Richard’s death.

Just thought I’d list a few observations about where we are in our grieving process.

I don’t cry as much. Not openly. I cry inside just as much. I still miss my kid.

Debbie and I go to work everyday. We’ve done this since about 3 weeks after Richard’s funeral. I don’t know how effective Debbie is at her job, but I find myself staring off in la-la-land a lot.

I still think about Richard all the time. It’s like I have the Richard channel running in my brain. It’s 24/7 programming. Anything else must somehow rise above this channel to get attention.

I feel an enormous emptiness inside. Richard was our baby. He was the last one that was dependent on us financially. He was a full time college student. We paid all his tuition and lodging expenses. We also provided him a car and insurance. I was paying these bills on a pay-as-you-go basis. It took everything I could make to keep up. It was my focus and my purpose in life. That is now gone. Yeah, it’s much easier financially. But I feel like a boat that’s lost its rudder and I just drift around where the currents take me. I don’t have a purpose anymore.  I just go through the motions.

Debbie still cries when we attend a “Richard Mass.” These are the masses that supporters have said in Richard’s memory. There has been at least 1 every week since after his funeral. We’ve been to every one of them.

I still feel a great sense of guilt. I should have been able to keep this from happening. I knew how Richard was, because he was very much like me. I knew that he would trust the medical establishment to not give him bad medication. I knew he wouldn’t ask his doctor before taking the generic form of his seizure prevention medication. I should have nagged him into it. Now he’s gone.

It still chokes me up when I think about the tremendous support we’ve been shown by everyone around us – family, co-workers, fellow parishioners. The prayers and thoughts help.