About
One of the first things you’ll notice about this website – it’s not pretty. Losing one of your children isn’t pretty. It can’t be sugarcoated. So I’ve decided to skip the frills and angels, to leave this site plain and stark.
Plus losing my son Richard has zapped my creativity.
One technique I’ve seen recommended for handling grief is writing a journal. Being something of a nerd, I have of course chosen to do my journal in the form of a website. A blog.
I have some misgivings about this. The posts in this blog are by nature very personal. They’re my attempt to figure out this whole dead kid thing. And release the pain. I’m by nature a private person. Yet I’m opening up this most personal part of my life to public view.
I did this because the sad truth is we aren’t the only parents to have a child die. And we won’t be the last. When you go through this, you’ll have people that care about you ask how you’re doing. You’ll wonder this yourself. By laying our grieving out in the open, maybe other bereaved parents will find some benchmarks.
Unfortunately we all grieve differently. So as they say in the commercials, “Your results may vary.”
One of my coworkers told me that after his step-daughter died, his wife was basically nonfunctional for three solid months. I took off work for 2 weeks. But just because I showed up at my job, doesn’t really mean I was at work. My mind is seldom there.
If I find something that helps, you’ll find out about it here. And when something hurts, you’ll probably find it here as well.
And finally, like most bereaved parents I want to tell the world about my kid. He was a really good young man. I don’t want him forgotten. So this website provides me a place to memorialize Richard. Tell a few Richard stories. Show some pictures. I miss him. I want people to know why.
If you find something here useful or want to share your experiences, please feel free to leave a comment or two.
If you’ve lost a child or are friends with someone that has, I hope you’ll find something here that brings you some comfort and peace.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Joe, just a note to say “welcome” to the grieving parents club. You are among friends, though we would probably not have sought each other out, but for this common thread of losing a child. Opening your heart here is a wonderful gift to other parents, siblings, extended family, and friends of a lost child (no matter what age). I didn’t know when I started my blog about losing my son (two weeks before his 21st birthday), that I would meet people from all over the world who shared in my particular form of grief. Now, just about two and a half years later, I feel closer to some of the people who’ve written to me, than I do to people I’ve known for most of my life. Weird, and true. Such is child loss. I wouldn’t have imagined so many things, so many events, so many losses as a result of losing my son, yet they have come to pass. Thank you for being brave enough to share your grief. It’s not easy. It’s survival. And, it’s a gift. In light and love, Linda
@Linda
Thank you. You’re right, it does seem to be a “club” of sorts. Very exclusive. And that admission fee… much too costly. But I think that members of this club have to help one another. This grieving parent thing may not be something we can do alone. It’s just too hard a road to travel without a guide. So thanks for your help on this path.
Hi Joe,
My husband and I were talking this afternoon while kayaking that there is simply no on going dialog for grieving dads. I am a writer, and have always journaled, scribbled, taken notes, you name it …… so I am very comfortable communicating. My husband on the other hand is an intensely private man, and has a very difficult time putting his feelings into words. Oh he shares with me, but I think it would do him a world of good to read your blog, and will be sending him the link.
Warmest Regards,
Lisa
@Lisa
I was going to tell you about the Grieving Dad’s Project website, but I noticed you already found it.
You might point out this post to your husband:
http://grievingdads.wordpress.com/2010/06/13/nightmares-have-taken-the-place-of-dreams/
There has been a lot of commenting back and forth between several grieving dads on that post.
Peace to you both.
I was told by the pastor that did my son’s funeral to go to a greiving parent group in town like he did because his son had also passed by hitting a deer,I asked if it helped, he said no I’m still mad @ the deer, my son passed away by a Bronco 2 rolling over once and catching on fire,the passenger was fine but the Bronco 2 has the gas tank directly under the driver seat and my son was the driver. My oldest son was in my S-10 in front of him before he took that turn and tryed desperately to turn around as fast as he could to free his younger brother from the seat belt, sadly he had nothing to cut the belt with, he tryed to wake Mikey up by slapping him,he was going to break his arm or whatever it took to get him out but nothing worked but getting one arm and his head out of the window,that was the reason 90% of his body was burned and he held on for 15 hrs,all the while they kept telling me he wasn’t going to make it,I was pissed! How dare them tell me my son was gonna die, hell no he wasn’t I said!Then the nurse kept telling me it was ok to cry,to me that was giving up and there was no way I would and then @10:00 am, 15 hrs after the crash the Dr says I’m sorry your son has expired, like he was a loaf of bread on a shelf. That was 7 yrs ago and I can’t get over it, I need help, I don’t want to live like this anymore, I want to see him so bad!!!!!!
Tina,
I’ve waited a long time to reply to you because I was trying to find the right words. And as we all know, those just don’t exist.
I hope when you wrote this you were just going through one of those rough times, and it’s not like this for you all the time.
The Compassionate Friends has helped us. Being with people that really know what you’re going through is important. We’ve learned the things we’re feeling are “normal” for people in our situation, and we’re not just crazy. We’ve also learned there is hope, no matter how dark things seem.
I have a friend that found Hospice helpful. They are in most cities. They can help you find more professional help if you need it.
Don’t try to go it alone. It’s too hard.
I’ll keep you in my prayers and I hope you can find some comfort soon.
Tina,
I just became aware of your post. I lost my son also and I know
how for some of us…the pain never stops, always remains sharp and hot.
It is so sad when others treat our loss with such callous words and gestures.
You must be in great pain still and there isn’t much to be said that helps as you probably already know.
Know that you are not alone. Those of on this site really do care. You can e-mail me at eaglecrow6@gmail.com. I have some things to send you and perhaps some resources to ease the pain a little.
Until then, keep communicating with us. Don’t give up. There are some good people here on this site.
Jody
My grandson passed away at age 20 on Oct.30th. 2010. His father my son was mother and father and started a web site and writes it like a journal. as I deal with Hiltons death I also see the pain my son is going through, it is a parents worst nightmare to lose a child. The crying never stops and sleep is almost impossible.
Hilary,
Others that have been down this path before us told me that it does get better and the tears will stop. It takes time.
That’s how it’s been for me. It’s still very painful and I miss Richard a great deal, but don’t spend much time it total despair. I’m mostly just sad.
It’s a hard thing to remember and to deal with, but our kids died, we didn’t. We still have a life we need to live. It’s much different now, but we must learn to handle the pain and live again.
It’s a process that takes years it seems.
I am deeply sorry for everyone’s loss. I am very lucky to have all my children. However, my sister lost her son in January of 2001. This loss broke her and I have never seen, nor do I wish too see, pain like that again in my life. One thing that struck me was how deeply dark the place she was and getting out of it seemed impossible. Meanwhile, life went on. She still had a mortgage and other children to care for. However, she was nearly incapable of completing the normal daily tasks, working, paying bills, and keeping her younger children’s commitments. I wondered how other with less of a support system survived. My sister was fortunate enough to have a significant amount of earn time and a small savings so she did get some time off. However, the harsh realty is many people HAVE to go back to work immediately.
From this, I have decided I want to help. I would like to establish a charity that provides short-term financial assistance to families while they grieve. This idea is in the beginning stages but I would like to enlist your readers help. The idea is:
1. To help parents who have lost their child meet their short-term financial commitments.
2. To allow these parents to take time to grieve and not have to get up and go to work if they are not capable.
3. Help these families deal with the creditors while they grieve.
When my sister was in her dark place, I realized there are no resources for parents like her, no charities that help the parents post death, there are no laws to permit parents to take more than the standard three days off from work, and there is a need for all of this.
I am an accountant who serves on a few boards so I understand how the executive management will need to work. However, I need to better understand what these parents need. I would like the input of your readers on how to quickly and efficiently help parents who lost a child get the money they need to meet their commitments and take up to 12 weeks off work. I want to be sure that the money only goes to those who need it and is not abused, and I want to work to change the family leave act to include these parents. Please, if you have any thoughts or ideas email me at taraferriter@hotmail.com.
Tara,
I’m sorry for the loss your family has faced. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I have sort of mixed feelings about the return to work thing.
On one hand the idea of someone that has just had a child die should be able to return to work after a few days is just nuts. Nobody should have to do that. There’s no way you can be an effective employee in that mental state.
But going back, and having to force myself to do my job probably was helpful.
I’m lucky because I work in a very huge factory. I know all the hiding places. My job allows me the freedom to move around a lot. I was able to go to those dark hiding places and pace for awhile when things became too overwhelming and the tears were flowing.
If I was in a more structured setting and couldn’t bail out when I needed to, I don’t think it would have gone well.
I’m going to submit your comment to The Compassionate Friends. They often post questions on their Facebook page asking opinions of grieving parents. You should get many ideas of parental needs.
Can you please send me your email address. I want to send you some information.
Thank you
Shirley
Grieving Parent
02/17/10
Hi Shirley – I sent my email address to the email address you used on here. I haven’t seen anything from you, so maybe I missed it, or you missed mine.
Let me know if you need a resend.
I’ve still got my kid, but I’m around too many people that don’t – I didn’t know about this site until I saw your response to “Sam” on TIff’s blog.
I’ll pass this around; looks like you’re doing exactly what’s needed… forming a core that folks can collect around. Perfect job.
As you said, the admission to this “club” is too high a price – but it would be worse to find out you were the only member. “Pain shared is pain halved, joy shared is joy doubled” is true; hope it works for you and everyone here, as you share the joy your children brought you, as well as the loss.
Your stories touch my heart so deeply, we lost our daughter Stacie, 9-6-09 everyday is a challenge. We were very close and spoke 2-4 times a day, when she died part of me died. NOt a day goes that she is not in my thoughts, I truly feel so lost without her. I tried to be strong for the rest of the family but it is hard. Thank you for for having this site it helps.
Maria – It’s so true what you say about feeling like a part of you has died. It seems to get really hard in those weeks leading up to “that day,” so I’m sure you’re starting to feel that heaviness in your heart now. For us that day is also our daughter’s birthday. She lives several states away, so on both of her birthdays after Richard’s death we’ve run away to visit her.
Birthdays are also tough, Richard’s is coming up at the end of this month. I have a couple of coworkers with the same birthday and I take them ice cream and cake. It let’s me celebrate Richard’s birthday in secret – and score points with my coworkers at the same time.
But like you say, there’s not a day they’re not in our thoughts. I wish I knew some magic words that would bring you peace as you grieve Stacie’s death. You’re in my prayers.
i just learned of your site, i must say im relieve to know that we are not alone. my husband and i lost two of our children, our daughter passed away on july 4, 2011 she was only 18, she died a horrible death. our son two weeks later on july 19, 2011 passed away of an heartattack he died in his sleep, he was 21. we are still greveing, the pain runs so deep words don’t describe the feeling. we have tried to go at it alone with god’s help but that was’nt enough i knew it had to be other people just like us so i went on line and typed in greveing parents thats how i found you. after reading some of the comments i was in tears, i felt the pain from the words being spoken. our hearts are broken and aching can you help us through this journey of healing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as being someone who has lost one child I can not imagine the pain to have lost two children. I wish you days of peace and for the smiles to come out when you talk about your children.. Those days will come and for now wishing your pain to ease a little every day. I know there is nothing I can say to help we are in an exclusive club nobody wants to be a part of..
Dear Cynthia & Waldo,
As trite as it may sound, I am truly sorry about the loss of your children. Joe and I know very well there are really no words that can come close to helping you at a time like this. It is a Nightmare that never stops.
Our son, Richard has been gone two years and three months now and I still grieve. I will still be grieving his loss no matter how long I live. It changes and some days are worse than others. I haven’t been able to do anything about his room, except get rid of the bed I came to HATE for some reason I still don’t understand. But I’ve learned it doesn’t matter. I just needed it gone so it is.
Your suffering must be unbearable right now, after loosing both of your children within days of each other would be absolutely overwhelming. Your hearts are broken and aching. I was heart broken when Richard died, and my heart is still broken. The loss of our children is the most difficult thing parents have to suffer. It SUCKS!!! I can tell you there is no right way, or wrong way, we just have to do what helps us get through each day, one step at a time. And it is hard.
I’m glad you found my husband’s blog, perhaps reading some of the stories here about our journey will bring you some sense of comfort. I often come back here and read what Joe has written, he has a way of saying exactly what I’m feeling at times, some of his entries are humorous and will bring a smile to my heart when I need a lift and other times they help me reflect. I haven’t been able to express myself in this way, I just miss my baby boy all the time. You might try some of the books Joe has reviewed here. I haven’t read them, I can’t. Although I did read Heaven is Real and found it comforting. And I guess I have skimmed through some others.
One of the things I’ve found that has helped me is a group just for grieving parents, The Compassionate Friends, their national website http://www.compassionatefriends.org can help you locate a group in your area. I go to the meetings as often as I can, it is safe there. I can talk about our son, tell stories, cry, complain, listen to others going through exactly the same thing, and somehow it does help. Just knowing we’re not alone in our suffering, that there is someone out there who does understand. It doesn’t make it all go away, I don’t think anything ever will, but just having that support, a shoulder to lean or cry on, and is there ready to listen makes a difference.
I think the most important thing I can tell you about this horrible journey we are on is: Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve, just allow yourselves to grieve. Do what is best for you, and don’t feel you have to “get over it” – you won’t. You will just learn to get up each day (somehow) and take one step at a time to get through another day. Most importantly, lean on each other, you and Waldo, love each other and be patient with each other. We all grieve differently and handle our feelings in many ways, like getting rid of a bed for some reason, just knowing I had to get it out.
Remember you and Waldo are not alone in this journey of grief there are thousands of us out there suffering right along with you. Please feel free to post on here any time, we will respond. And hold onto each other.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both,
Debbie
debbie
yours words has lifted me today, you say things that are true and heart filling, i can feel what you feel cause we are the same (in some sense). i was so excited to see the response i immediately told my husband “they responded”. my heart has been heavy for a couple of months now. im just now able to talk about our children however on the other hand my husband has no problem doing it. i love when he do cause it gives me an oppurtunity to see how he feels and to no that he’s stronger than me and we do grieve differently. i havent been able to put my son’s pictures back up, when he can look at his daughter( shes my step-daughter) but she was still mines. im not able to get rid of none of his things, i cant, not right now. i dont really no what will happen in the future but right now i just cant. i miss my my son(gavin) i want so bad for things to be like the were before but i no that will never happen. my life has changed dramatically, i only pray that this journey we’re taking will allow me to live and cope. keeps us in your prayers always.
my son Paul died on Monday May 2 2011, he was on his way home from work and had a wreck in his truck. I still find it so very hard to deal with my loss, he was my only child and he was 27 and would have been 28 on May 26. it has been pure hell and he left behind a beautiful daughter who just turned 2 on 9-15, she is the spitiing image of him and as long as she lives he lives on through her. Her mother, Heather and I have a great relationship and I love them both. . life just isn’t the same and we will never be the same. The old Sheila has forvever changed since Paul died and I need to take care of myself and find a way to start healing. I saw a saying the other day and it was as the following: When you lose a parent , you lose your past, but when you lose a child you lose your future. that is so true, as my dad died when I was only 13 years old. My son is buried next to my dad and I know the they are ok. my dad is taking care of my baby and this gives me peace. My son was named after my father and his dad and other grandfather, which are also deceased. I hope to find some peace by sharing my story with other parents and hope they will help me as well.
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