This past weekend Debbie and I went to the cemetery with Christmas trees.
Once again we took small, real trees. We plan to take them and plant them somewhere later. Hopefully we’ll retrieve them before they disappear this time.
Richard's 2010 Christmas tree.
Last year Debbie made strings of cranberries to put on the trees.
Richard liked cranberries. Not that Jello looking stuff you plop out of a can, but the real deal. He and Debbie would cook up real cranberries in our big cast iron skillet. When he was young he liked to help stir the sugary berry mix and watch the cranberries pop. I think he was the only member of the family that really cared much for them – though the real thing was much better than the canned version. We had cranberries every Christmas because Richard wanted them.
Debbie also thought the birds would like the fresh berries.
Well the birds didn’t pay much attention to them, and Richard didn’t reach out and pluck any of them off the tree either. So this year she decided it wasn’t worth the work. She bought some strings of red beads and put them on the trees. There are also some small balls and ribbons.
While we were there we met another set of grieving parents, the Longs. Their son Michael Todd Long is one of Richard’s neighbors now. He died at the age of 15. That was about 13 years ago. They were there to decorate their son’s headstone.
The Long's decorate the top of their son's stone.
Like us they have parents buried close by and will join their son there some day. She told me she wasn’t in any hurry to die, but she wasn’t afraid of it either, because she knew she’d get to she her son again when it happens.
Exactly.
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On December 9, 2002 My son who was also named Richard (he was called Ricky) Shot himself. My pain is so strong sometimes but for the Grace of God I would be insane. He was a very kind and loving person, but the alcohol and drugs won. God Bless you in your grief. I also used to work for a state Law Enforcement and saw that happen so many times. Now I pray all those loved was have fould some comfort. I found mine in God, but everyone is different. I have been on the inter net for 3 days trying to find a small cemetery christmas to put on his grave but I can’t find anything and if I do I can’t afford it. God Bless you in the loss of your son. with sympathy, Glenda
Glenda,
I am sorry about the death of your son, Ricky. We too rely on our faith in God and pray for our son as well as other families who have lost a child. I find myself still trying to “take care” of Richard in what I do for his grave. Usually trying to do something for him I know means something to him or something he would like.
I see many kinds of decorations at the cemetery during the christmas season, everything from little statues to decorated wreaths & trees, or little wind spinners with a tree or santa in the center, (I included one of those for Richard this year). I don’t spend a lot of money for these things, finding stuff on sale after christmas to use later, the little spinner I got from Walmart for a couple of dollars.
I do get some comfort decorating his grave for those occasions he enjoyed. I just don’t want him to be forgotten, he was my baby and I miss him everyday. And I know when I do these things I’m doing them for me, yet I think Richard knows and he appreciates what we do, remembering.
I am convinced he lets me know what he likes and doesn’t. For example; the strawberries we planted at the back of his stone are doing very well, but the roses we put on the sides just looked horrible and we took them out; then we put a shamrock plant in the front last year for St. Patrick’s day (Richard chose him as his patron saint). Anyway we removed them to put in some summer flowers yet it wasn’t long before we saw the shamrock return. It shouldn’t have, but it was there again this year and grew, not very big, but it grew. I am looking forward to this spring to see if it comes back again. But I did tell Richard I got his message and will get him another shamrock plant. Sometimes we take some of his favorite candy and leave it. Just the act of sharing something with him can be a comfort.
I hope you have people around you to help bring you some comfort too, maybe you have discovered The Compassionate Friends. I just want to thank you for sharing some of your story here. Feel free to come back and visit, read some of my husband’s entrees and leave a comment. One of us will respond, sometimes it takes me a while, I am someone who has to think about things for a while before I can find the words to respond.
God Bless, Debbie
I lost my son in July 2011. He died of a brain aneurysm. He was 15 years old. I’m reading your blogs and feeling so connected to your grief, though I am a few years behind you. I too decorated for Austin at the cemetery this year, but for me this was the 1st time. I wondered as I did it if I would continue to feel compelled to do these things year after year . . . Shovel a path through the snow to him, make sure his stone is not covered up. Only little things that I can do for him since he no longer needs me to help with homework, or clean laundry for his football practice. It makes me feel better, hoping that he sees that I won’t just move on without him. That I’m going to take him with me. He didn’t get much time on this earth, but he did get more than some (and I do appreciate that!). I’ve told people that I really feel blessed and proud of Austin, that whatever God sent him here to do, he was able to accomplish in just 15 years time. He really was a special kid and I understand why God wanted him back – - heck, I wanted to keep him too, didn’t I. Thank you for your posts!
Roberta,
Oh how I understand. This was the third year we’ve decorated for Richard, and I guess we’ll continue the ritual. This year I found myself looking for special decorations at the after Christmas sales just for his tree. Something that reminded me of him in some way. It is the only thing I know to do for him, the only way I can take care of him. And that, I guess is what I keep trying to do…take care of my baby.
Somehow I think he lets me know what he doesn’t like. The rose bushes we put there just didn’t grow well at all, they looked horrible. Yet the shamrock kept coming back last year, and the rust colored mum came back and was beautiful. And the strawberries we planted behind his stone are flourishing, we’re going to have to thin those out. But Richard LOVED strawberries, and one day while I was at work it just hit me, we could give him something he really liked…strawberries. So I bought two plants and Joe and I went out there and put them on the back side of his stone and wow have they taken off.
Your Austin was much younger than our Richard. Richard was living away from home, so I didn’t have him to do for everyday. But he would call me sometimes when I was at work and say, “what’s for dinner Mother?” and I would come home and fix something for him. Or he’d ask me to fix something I use to make for him and he would come home for that.
He was such a wonderful young man, and like you I am just so very thankful to God that he was a part of our lives. Just not long enough…buy then it would never have been long enough for me no matter when God chose to take him back.
This connection we have as grieving parents is something no one who hasn’t been there can understand. I hope you feel free to visit us any time. One of us will respond.
Take care and God Bless
Debbie Mudd
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