Grieving Parent

Category: Resources

Groovy Grieving Music

Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast

To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.

I’ve read, that things inanimate have mov’d,

And, as with living Souls, have been inform’d,

By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.

What then am I? Am I more senseless grown

Than Trees, or Flint? O force of constant Woe!

‘Tis not in Harmony to calm my Griefs.

Anselmo sleeps, and is at Peace; last Night

The silent Tomb receiv’d the good Old King;

He and his Sorrows now are safely lodg’d

Within its cold, but hospitable Bosom.

Why am not I at Peace?

– William Congreve, in The Mourning Bride, 1697

Music has emotional power. A good song can often touch our hearts, and express the feelings we can’t find words for. There seems to be a music genre for just about everything… so why not for grieving?

Here are some of the songs that have touched me. Some are by grieving parents. Some were written for grieving parents. Some just seem to have a message we need.

I have to give this quick warning though, grab a fresh box of tissues before you start listening.

To Where You Are – Josh Groban

This is one of those with an up lifting message. Maybe we need to hear that, “A breath away’s not far to where you are.”

Precious Child – Karen Taylor-Good

I was introduced to this song at our first Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. I doubt it’s an exaggeration to say I’ve listened to it a thousand times since… usually with tears running down my face.

Here is the story of why the song came to be and some other interesting facts about it.

You can get a CD single from The Compassionate Friends website. You can download a free mp3 of the song from Karen Taylor-Good’s website. I’ve done both.

Where Beautiful Souls Go – P. Taylor Reed

We met P. Taylor Reed at the 2011 Frankfort KY Compassionate Friends Regional Conference. She’s a grieving mom and she wrote this song as a tribute to her son Jeremy. She performed it for us at the conference.

You can read her’s and Jeremy’s stories, and purchase a single CD of the song at her website.

Why by Rascal Flatts

This is one of my favorite groups. Having a child die is so hard to deal with. Having a child die of suicide seems like it would add even more burden and heartache to an already unbearable event. This song explores that pain.

As Long As You Love by Cindy Bullens

Cindy Bullens is an award winning singer/song writer and the bereaved mother of Jessie, a cancer victim at the age of 11 . She did the soundtrack for the documentary Space Between Breaths. I couldn’t find a video with my favorite song from the album, Better Than I’ve Ever Been, but as I write this she’s offering a free mp3 of that song on her official website.

You can get the soundtrack CD at the Space Between Breaths store. You’ll also find many of these songs on Cindy’s album Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth.

You can learn more about Jessie and the The Jessie Fund, a charity that helps support children with cancer.

Tonight I Hold This Candle” by Alan Pedersen

We’ve met singer/song writer Alan Pedersen at both of the Compassionate Friends of Frankfort regional conferences we’ve attended. He’ll be performing at this year’s conference as well. His daughter Ashley died in a 2001 auto accident.

He has been referred to as the James Taylor of grieving parent music. He currently has 4 CD’s which you can buy at his store.

He tours the country with his Angels Across the USA Tour.

ThePianoGuys with Craig Aven

ThePianoGuys co-founder Jon Schmidt lost his daughter Annie in November 2016. He tells the story at start of the video and shares the song that helped him deal with his grief.

02/07/2012
Upcoming Compassionate Friends Conferences

Dennis Apple, author of Life After The Death of My Son: What I’m Learning, sent a note the other day telling me about a Compassionate Friends (TCF) regional conference that he’s part of. So I thought I’d share some info here about a couple of upcoming TCF regional conferences.

Sunflowers of Hope Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends

This conference is hosted by the Johnson County, KS chapter of TCF, and Dennis Apple and his wife Buelah will be doing a workshop.

When:
February 17 & 18, 2012

Where:
The DoubleTree Hotel
US Highway 69 and College Blvd
Overland Park, Kansas

There are special rates available at the hotel for conference attendees.

Get More Info:
You can get full conference details and registration instructions at the following website,
http://www.jocotcf.org/?page_id=209

“Wilderness of Grief, Is There Hope?” Frankfort, KY Regional Conference

This one’s a bit closer to home for us, and we plan to attend.

When:
March 23 & 24, 2012

Where:
Capital Plaza Hotel
405 Wilkinson Blvd
Frankfort, KY 40601

There is a block of rooms reserved for conference attendees at a discount rate of $79 + tax. Mention TCF when you make your reservations at (502)-227-5100.

Get More Info:
You can find more details, contact info and registration form at their website,
http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com

01/07/2012
Beyond Tears by Ellen Mitchell

There are certain truisms in life. One of them is that it goes against the natural order of things to bury one’s child. However, as bereaved mothers we can no longer believe in natural order. Our comfortable, secure lives, our innocence, all were shattered with the deaths of our children. Now our reality is upside down, inside out and far removed from what we thought it would be.
– Beyond Tears

Nine Bereaved Moms Share Their Stories

Beyond Tears contains the stories of nine bereaved mothers. They have similar backgrounds, each losing a child that was a teen or young adult. They met at Compassionate Friends and became close. They have moved along their grief journey to a point of healing they share in this book.

They call people that have never experienced the loss of a child “civilians.” I thought that was sort of funny.

Like probably all of us that have found new friends because we’ve joined the Grieving Parents Club, they express this sentiment:

We are the closest of fiends. We share the deepest intimacies of our lives. We wish we had never met.

At the very least we wish we had met under different circumstances.

The ladies share their thoughts and experiences of losing their children. Chapters deal with the first year, finding help, redefining our existence, coping and dealing with all those special days – birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.

They also touch on a subject you don’t see much about in a chapter titled, “Intimacy.”

The anquish of losing a child pollutes every close relationship. It seeks to destroy our ties to our spouses, to our remaining children, to our parents, to cherished friends, to everyone close to us. Each tie is torn to shreds and brutally examined under a high-powered microscope before it can be pieced back together.

In some cases the pieces will never again mesh and the bond will break. Those relationships that survive will be forever changed because we are changed. We are never the same people we were before the death. The person we become has to learn anew to love and live with those we loved and lived with before, or perhaps to go a seperate way.

The death becomes a giant black hole in our midst.

The death of our children is so totally all consuming. “Civilians” as the ladies call them, don’t understand this, even though they try. They become impatient with us and we with them.

This book, like all the others on grieving I’ve read, illustrate how different we all are. What works for one grieving parent doesn’t for another. What happens quickly for one may take years for someone else.

This difference in grieving styles is a major stress factor between husband and wife.

The Ladies Share the Podium

This book is about the experiences of nine moms, and eight of the ten chapters are about their experiences.

But they let the dads have one chapter.

And yes, men are different than women. We’re not as public with feelings. But we have them. We can share them, but I know for me, it doesn’t come naturally.

I found a blog post by a fellow grieving dad once, where I and several other dads shared our thoughts with one another. We supported each other. But that only lasted for a short time, then we all just sort of faded away.

All that sharing takes a lot out of you. It requires energy. It’s also a constant reminder of the deep down sadness we feel. There are enough reminders of that.

Anyway, in chapter nine the dad’s get their say.

The last chapter is one I’m really glad to see. In chapter ten the “Siblings Speak.” The adult children left behind share their experience.

This is something I worry about. Our daughter Sarah lost her baby brother when we lost our son. In a way she also lost her parents, because our grief was so consuming.

She’s an amazing young woman and very detail oriented. We leaned on her a lot to get Richard’s funeral planned. I’m sure that wasn’t fair to her, but she didn’t complain.

I wonder how this has all been for her. We don’t talk about it. I’m not sure how to even bring it up, and I don’t think she would be real comfortable talking to me about it. But I worry about her.

I think Beyond Tears is worth reading. I found a lot of stories I can relate to. Through these stories I also learned there is hope. It will always be a struggle, but if we keep moving forward, just one step at a time, we will eventually find a life worth living – different yes, but a life still.

Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child, Revised Edition

08/05/2011
Richards Tree

We’ve seen a lot of ideas for creating memorials since we began this journey of dealing with Richards death. We’ve received many as gifts from people that cared about Richard and us.

We get reminded of one every time we go to our church. Last year a dogwood tree was planted on the church campus in memory of Richard.

Right now that tree is bloomed out and beautiful. It’s still a small tree, but it’s showing off right now.

Richard’s dogwood showing off.

I appreciate this remembrance of our son. There is comfort in this enduring tribute. Knowing year after year this tree will decorate our little corner of the world with its flowery display. As it calls attention to itself, it will also remind all that see it of Richard’s existence on the earth.

This memorial plaque is at the base of the tree.

I can imagine many years from now, when we are gone too, people coming to church in the spring will come over to admire the beautiful dogwood blossoms.

They’ll see the plaque and say, “Who was Richard Mudd?”

He’ll be the mystery man.

They’ll probably think he was a big donor to the church. Figure him for a big money, high roller kind of guy. Well, maybe he would have been someday.

But they’ll have something to think about, and Richard will be remembered for many years – even by people that will never know him.

If your looking for a lasting memorial as a tribute to a lost loved one, or as a gift to the bereaved, you should consider a nice flowering tree.

05/09/2011
Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love

We just attended our second TCF Frankfort KY Regional Conference, titled “Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love.” This conference was scheduled for Friday and Saturday at the Capital Plaza Hotel in Frankfort, KY.

The Best Plans of Mice and Grieving Parents

We only live 30 minutes from the conference site, but we planned to spend the night at the hotel on Friday. It’s just more relaxing and simpler to just walk down the stairs from our room to the Saturday morning breakfast, rather than getting up early enough to drive in from home. We also get a chance to meet more people attending.

But we have once again been reminded we aren’t in charge of life.

My uncle Nick died a week before the conference. The funeral mass was to be on the Saturday morning of the conference. Se we canceled our hotel room and only went to the Friday session.

Are Conferences a Good Thing?

I’m still not sure how I feel about these events.

It’s good to be with other bereaved parents. They know what we’re going through. The folks that have been missing their children for many years and have found a way to rebuild their lives are inspiration. Getting a chance to share experiences and feelings with others in the same boat helps us see we’re not alone, and the things we feel don’t mean we’re crazy.

But I wonder if going through these events makes us just keep remembering the pain and hold on to it longer. Is it healthy to keep reminding ourselves of how unhappy we are? I’m not sure. I’m leaning toward the benefits are bigger than the risks.

I also think we need to be there to help other, newer grieving parents if we can.

The Sessions

Our Friday session began with a welcome from our chapter leader, Dusty Rhodes. We then had a nice talk by Pat Loder, the current Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends. After a short break we had our first workshop session.

I went to “The Workplace and Grieving” workshop. The main take-away from this session was employers have no idea how to deal with bereaved parents. I understand this. We’re all different. Employers can’t have a nice step-by-step management plan, so the current plan seems to be just ignore the issue. They also have no idea how long this problem takes for us to deal with and regain our balance. They don’t like problems that last for years. Newsflash for you – we don’t either.

The next workshop session didn’t have anything that really jumped out at me, so I picked “Impact of Stillborn & Infant Death.” I chose that because I have a friend and former coworker that had a miscarriage. I wanted to learn more about the issues people like her face. I don’t think our society does a good job of supporting parents in this situation. It was interesting to listen to the other couples there.

The Slideshow

Dinner followed the two workshop sessions. We had a speaker during dinner, a former TCF Executive Director whose name I didn’t write down. He gave a good talk. He was a pinch hitter for Gen. Mark Graham who was scheduled to give the dinner time presentation, but military duties called him away. The general made a video for us and we watched that.

A short session of music followed, featuring Alan Pedersen, P. Taylor Reed and Mitch Carmody.

Next was the slideshow where slides of our children were shown on two large screens. There were many infants and small children, but it seemed that most of the slides pictured teens and young adults, like Richard. So many bright, beautiful young lives gone too soon.

Unlike last year I hadn’t heard many sobs or seen many tears in the early sessions, but this changed with the slide show. It’s just so hard to see your kid up there. My eyes were watery and Debbie was sobbing when Richard’s smiling face hit the screen.

Candle Lighting

It began with a few short readings by local chapter members, including Debbie (pictured above). I don’t know how she was able to read after the emotional slideshow session. She’s one brave and strong lady.

We each processed to the front to light our candles and say “We light this candle in memory of our son Richard Mudd” into the microphone. Of course, other parents/grandparents/siblings said the name of their lost loved one. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Then we all held our candles up as Alan Pedersen sang.

There is a powerful feeling in the air during these candle lighting ceremonies. It’s something you can feel. Very intense.

We took another short break.

Mitch Carmody was scheduled for a session called “Whispers of Love, Signs from our Children” which sounded interesting but we had to leave.

We checked out the vendor tables when we were leaving. I think there was a celebrity at the conference. Dennis Apple had some of his books on the table for sale. I didn’t get to meet him, but someone told me they spoke to him, and his son’s picture was in the slideshow, so I think he must have been there. I recommended the book to a couple of people I saw looking at it.

03/27/2011