Grieving Parent

Category: Resources

  • Heaven Is For Real – Book Review

    Heaven Is For Real – Book Review

    Heaven is real.

    Can there be more important or beautiful words that any grieving parents could hear?

    Yeah, there could be better words. “Honey, wake up! You’re having a nightmare,” or “There’s been a big mistake, your son isn’t dead, he’s just been in the witness protection program. But it’s all OK now, so he can come back into your life again,” come to mind.

    But it’s pretty clear those words aren’t going to be played sweetly to our ears. Learning that heaven really exists is our greatest source of hope.

    Todd Burpo says he has proof, Heaven is real.

    Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back is his book. He shares the story of his 4 year old son Colton’s trip to heaven.

    The early parts of this book were hard for me to read. Colton was in the Intensive Care Unit. Been there, done that, and don’t want the damned t-shirt. It brought back a lot of hard memories. It was intensely stressful – I think that’s where the “Intensive” part of the name comes from.

    Like Colton, Richard recovered and came home from the hospital. Unfortunately Richard also came home with scar tissue in his brain that would cause him to have seizures and ultimately kill him.

    Colton was touch-and-go, the doctors didn’t have much hope for him.

    But Colton made a miraculous recovery. He also came home from the hospital. He came home with stories about Heaven.

    Some of the things in this book will make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. For example, Colton was able to tell his parents things they were doing while he was out of it and in surgery. He couldn’t have possibly known what they were doing, each in a separate room and not with Colton. It gets your attention.

    Much of this story seems too perfect. The author, a pastor at Crossroads Wesleyan Church in Imperial, Nebraska, takes every detail of Colton’s story and matchs it perfectly with Bible scripture. It just seems too pat and lines up so well it’s hard to believe. Mr. Burpo could say anything he wants in his book. It just might be all made up.

    But it might also all be real.

    Debbie and I were talking about this. She made the comment,

    “If they had listened to the prophets back in Biblical times, we wouldn’t have all the problems we do now.”  She thinks we need to listen to the prophets God sends to us today. And this little boy just may be one of those prophets.

    You can read the book and come to your own opinion.

  • Review: life after the death of my son: what I’m learning – by Dennis Apple

    Review: life after the death of my son: what I’m learning – by Dennis Apple

    Several months before his death, Richard was home for the weekend and he was looking at one of my bookcases. On one shelf he spotted a stack of books about seizures and epilepsy.

    He looked at them and asked me, “Why do you have all these?”

    “Because you have that little time bomb in your head, and I thought we should find out about it. Maybe find something that can help.” I told him.

    He just sighed and shook his head at me.

    That’s just how I am. If something interests me, or bothers me, I try to learn as much as I can about it. I buy a lot of books.

    So it should be no surprise I have a large and growing collection of books about grieving and the loss of a child.

    I just finished Dennis Apple’s life after the death of my son: what i’m learning.

    I read this book faster than any other grieving book I’ve owned… except for Good Grief, which is so small it hardly counts.

    Dennis and Buelah Apple’s son Denny died on this day in 1991. I guess this review is my tribute on the 20 year anniversary of his death.

    Dennis Apple kept journals of his experiences after the death of his son. A lot of journals. In this book he shares what he went through in those early years and expands on the lessons learned. He deals candidly with it all… from the pain, the marriage issues, and his doubts about God and religion to finding his way toward healing.

    This is Super Bowl Sunday so one of the comparisons he makes is appropriate on this day. He equates learning to deal with our grief to great athletes learning to play with pain. Play with pain. I really think that’s the goal now. I think it will always be there, so we have to learn to live with it.

    Another part of his story that really hit home for me are the issues of faith. Mr. Apple is a minister and on the pastoral staff at College Church of the Nazarene in Olathe, Kansas. His son’s death made him question God. This had to be really hard for him, as religious life was such a big part of his very core.

    There are so many feel good stories in the readings and songs at church. They tell us about how God is looking over us. That he cares for us. We’re taught that if we follow him to our best ability, he’ll be looking out for us. God has our back.

    Then our kid dies. Denny Apple sounds like he was a great kid. My son Richard wasn’t a saint, but he was a good kid and a fine young man. I was very proud of him. So how could God let something so horrible happen to such good kids?

    In all my years attending Catholic schools I was told God is up there and is all seeing and knowing. He controls everything and has a reason for everything he does. I don’t believe this anymore.

    I still believe there’s a God. I just don’t think God is watching and controlling everything that happens on earth. If he was, how could such pain be allowed?

    I’ve told people that God has a lot of explaining to do. I still feel that way.

    Mr. Apple had to deal with these same doubts at the same time as he was trying to be a minister leading others to God on a daily basis. The conflicts inside had to be overpowering.

    But he made it through all that.

    His story gives us hope. The enormity of the struggles he faced are clearly told, yet he came through it with his soul intact. Like all grieving parents he will never “get over” the loss of his son. He’s just learned to play with pain and he shows there’s hope we can too.

    I highly recommend this book.

    Life After the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning (my Amazon affiliate link)

  • Legacy Memorial Websites

    Legacy Memorial Websites

    The Compassionate Friends has partnered with the people at Legacy.com to bring you a special deal on a memorial website for your lost child. You can get a 14 day free trial to try their system and you will also get a 25% discount on your first year sponsorship. That’s what they call their hosting fee.

    Here’s What You Can Do With These Tribute Sites

    • Customize the design, yet create the site in 5 minutes using Legacy.com.’s 4-step process
    • Include photos, videos, stories, and more
    • Add music
    • Invite family and friends to contribute and join in celebrating the life of a child
    • And much more

    Keep Your Child’s Memory Alive

    I think all of us traveling this grieving parent pathway want to keep our child’s memory. These memorial websites are a simple way to do that and they let you share these memories with others, and let them share their memories with you.

    I haven’t tried one of these because I already pay for this one. It looks like a nice system, and the price is pretty fair.

    Get Your FREE Trial and Discount

    To get this deal you should go to the page on The Compassionate Friends website. When you purchase a memorial site from that link TCF will get a share of the price to support their programs.

  • Good Grief by Granger Westberg

    Good Grief by Granger Westberg

    This little 64 page book is the first book about grief I added to my library.

    Joanne, wife of Deacon John Shoulta from our church handed it to me at the funeral home during the visitation. It’s so small it fit in the inside pocket of my suit jacket.

    I think I read it that night. The pages are small, so it only took about an hour.

    This little book and I got off to a bit of a rocky start. In the introduction the author starts talking about grieving over stuff like having the boss you love be replaced by one you don’t like.

    Or grieving over moving away to a new place and leaving friends behind. My kid is in a box and you’re worried about having to make new friends?

    Is that why it’s called Good Grief – because that’s what people say when they read it?

    OK I’ll be fair. The author wasn’t equating moving to a new neighborhood to having your child die. He is just pointing out we deal with grief in some form often. Much more than we realize – it’s “as natural as breathing”. Westberg says dealing with these little griefs points us in the way we’ll deal with a big one.

    Like a lot of books dealing with grief this one lists stages of grief –  ten of them in this case:

    1. We are in a state of shock.
    2. We express emotion.
    3. We feel depressed and very lonely.
    4. We may experience physical symptoms of distress.
    5. We may become panicky.
    6. We feel a sense of guilt about the loss.
    7. We are filled with anger and resentment.
    8. We resist returning.
    9. Gradually hope comes through.
    10. We struggle to affirm reality.

    The author goes on to cover each in a separate chapter.

    I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonely. Just the opposite. I usually just want to be by myself – and can’t get people to leave me alone. This is especially true at work. Just way too much “teamwork” and too many meetings there.

    I also don’t remember ever feeling panicky. Richard is dead. It’s much too late to panic now. I just feel sad.

    So all these stages don’t apply to everyone. We’re all different. But it all still fits. And it was helpful to read at least a framework for what was ahead for us.

    This may have been one of the best choices to read in those fog shrouded early days. I don’t think I could have made it through a long detailed book. I needed to know about the grief we were now forced to live. I was determined to live this grief, not hide from it. Good Grief was a valuable primer on the subject. You just have to keep an open mind on what grief is.

    Amazon Link

    Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss

  • News Events and the Grieving Parent

    News Events and the Grieving Parent

    Every day I have to remind myself as I get up in the morning that Richard will no longer come walking through the door asking “what’s for dinner, Mother?” As I go through the day I still am haunted by all the questions: the “woulda, coulda, shoulda,” done questions, yes, even after a year and seven and a half months since his death. Some days are worse than others:

    This past weekend, as I was looking for something to watch on TV, my attention was captured by a news alert about the shooting in Arizona. I was shocked, as I am sure everyone else was. And as the day progressed, I found myself glued to the TV for more information. The devastation brought by the sick mind of this young man just broke my heart again.

    When we were told of the death of the youngest, 9 year old Christina, I found myself thinking of those first days and hours after Richard was found dead, and I just wanted to grab her parents and hold on. I know what they are going through, the fog that surrounds them, the pain they’re suffering; its overwhelming.

    Then last night (Wednesday) I had thought to watch the “memorial” service being held for those killed. I was again heart broken as I saw what should have been a respectful, thoughtful, prayerful memorial turned into an absolute mockery! It seemed more like a circus or pep-rally complete with the t-shirt souvenirs. I turned to some old reruns instead. I don’t know if any of Christina’s family was there, but I know if it had been my son they were using for this outrageous gathering I would have walked out!!! I would have been absolutely insulted to have the death of my son used in such a disrespectful way as I saw happening last night.

    I felt just as angry about this so called memorial as I was when I heard the “Westboro Baptist” group was going to be there to protest at this child’s funeral.

    Today (Thursday) there were two funerals I concerned my thoughts for; the one for Christina in Arizona, 9 years old, and the other just down the road in Frankfort for a high school junior, Trista, killed Saturday in a car accident. My thoughts are for the families of these children who died too soon, as our own precious Richard did. My heart aches for their families, for their pain knowing their lives will be forever changed. They too will wake in the mornings and have to remember their precious child will no longer walk into the kitchen to ask, “what’s for dinner, Mother”.

    I thank God for the time we had with our son. He was such a joy, I will miss him always and I guess as I experience this journey through grief, I will continue to suffer the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” questions even though I know it doesn’t matter. He’s gone. Richard is with God now, of that I am absolutely positive. I just wish, as do all those other parents, we could have had him for a while longer… but it still wouldn’t be enough when they die too soon.

    Photo Credit:

    Christina Taylor Green
    http://www.kpho.com/image/26414686/detail.html