“Our” chapter of The Compassionate Friends launched a new website recently.
If you live near Frankfort, KY and have lost a child or sibling you should check them out.
They’re having a conference in March. Details are at the website:
Category: Resources
-
GriefNet.org
GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.
GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try it before making a donation.
I joined the group for parents that have lost an adult child.
The best I can tell, there is no access to past emails for the group. You only get an email if a parent sends one to the group. You then get all the replies to that email by other members. Traffic has been pretty slow in this group so far. Of course I could send an email to the group. But I don’t really know what I’d say or ask. It’s easier for me to join in a conversation that’s already started.
I would get more out of GriefNet if it was set up as forums rather than email groups. If there were forums we could go back and view past topics. Forums also let users add profile information if they feel comfortable doing so. It would help me to see something about the other people I’m sharing my life with here. With the email group all I see is a name. I just don’t feel that connected. I must admit I’m not really fond of email groups and that may affect my opinion about this. If you like email groups this may work great for you.
GriefNet has a library of articles on their website. It isn’t specific to bereaved parents, but there is some interesting stuff there.
They also appear to have a place for you to setup a “virtual memorial” for your child. I didn’t set one up for Richard yet and I may not because this blog sort of serves that purpose. I didn’t see anything about charges for this service, so I assume it is free.
Visit the GriefNet.org site here:
-
On Grief and Grieving – Book Review
Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving
by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.I never knew there was so much to deal with.
First the authors outline five stages of grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. I may have to resign myself to the reality of Richard’s death, but I’ll never accept it. It’s unacceptable – I just can’t do anything about it.
Unfortunately this list isn’t a follow-the-dots pathway to healing. We are all different. We grieve differently. These are just general guidelines of what to expect.
Then there are what the book calls the “Inner World of Grief.” This section of the book goes through the many different things we grieve for when we lose someone. This shows why grieving is so hard – it’s just so complex.
The section on regrets hit home for me. There are the obvious regrets of not doing something to prevent Richard’s death. Of not seeing the signs. But there is also the regret of what will be missed.
I didn’t just love Richard, I also liked him. I enjoyed being around him. If I had been his peer instead of his parent, I’m certain we’d have been pals. I was looking forward to that time when our parent – child relationship could change to a friendship. That transformation had in fact already begun. I was looking forward to going to ballgames with him, and maybe doing a business venture with him.
That lost future is a big grieving area for me.
The book also covers the “Outer World of Grief.” About dealing with the rest of the world while we deal with the pain. About anniversaries, holidays, health changes and more.
The authors then cover some specific circumstances such as death and children, suicide, sudden death and others.
It’s a detailed look at grief. It covers a lot of ground and I’m sure many of the topics will bring you insight.
The biggest lesson I’ve taken from the book is to not look for the easy out. There isn’t one. We have to find our own path, and we’ll stumble and fall many times along the way. Our society doesn’t support grieving people very well. We all think a person should “be over it” in a few months. We won’t.
Reading this book could help you deal with that.
-
My First Compassionate Friends Meeting
I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.
So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night. This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. The norm is once per month.
There were four men there. We were out numbered by the ladies by about 2 to 1. Of the four men, three of us are named Joe. I have no idea if that means anything, but it’s interesting anyway.
The meeting started with each of us introducing ourselves and telling a little about our child. Counting Debbie and myself there were three of us that had lost our child within the past 6 months. At the other end of the spectrum there was a couple that lost their child nearly 21 years ago.
This led into a natural spin off to issues of handling grief.
As expected, those of us that have recently become bereaved parents still feel pain in a very raw and overwhelming way. What really made an impact on me is how intrense that pain still is for those parents that have been facing this problem for years. I knew it would be something that we’d never really “get over” but I didn’t really realize just how powerful that feeling remains. This is a long hard road that lays before us.
We had a long discussion about getting through the Christmas season.
Almost none of the people there listen to Christmas music. Even those that lost a child years ago. One of the couples said they no longer exchange gifts. One said he avoids going into Walmart during the holiday season. This must mean he only goes in there about half the year, because it seems they start playing Christmas music right after the 4th of July holiday.
The general consensus was the desire to fast forward past the holidays completely.
Yep, I agree the holidays are really tough. I’ve been on the edge for the past month. But I don’t want to completely avoid everyone during the season. My family has been a big part of surviving this for both of us. I still want to be with them on Christmas. I would like to skip the gift giving part though.
We had a little food and fellowship. Just talking about our kids and our grief experience with people that are living it too.
Our friends and family want to help, but they have no idea how. We have no idea how either. But TCF gives us a chance to spend time with people that understand this horrible mess in a way no one else can.
It’s a long hard road. Maybe it’s best to not travel it alone.
-
Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good
We will be attending the Worldwide Candle Lighting tomorrow. On the web page about this event there is a video. It features the song Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good. The song grabbed me. It’s beautiful and amazing. I found a video on YouTube that just has the song – no info about the Candle Lighting.
Warning – if you’ve lost a child, this video will make you cry. Sometime you just need to cry. Here is the perfect mood music for the occasion.
The lyrics say it all.
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious childIn my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
‘Cause you are with me stillIn my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
You will live forever… in my heartIn my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious childIn my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me stillIn my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
You will live forever… in my heartGod knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there’s a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until thenIn my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
You will live forever… in my heartYou can get a CD single from The Compassionate Friends website. You can download a free mp3 of the song from Karen Taylor-Good’s website.