Grieving Sucks

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by Joe Mudd on August 31, 2009

And grieving for a lost child takes pain to a whole new level.

This site is the story of our journey through grief for our lost son Richard. Therapy maybe.  Probably also share some stories about Richard. We were very proud of him and like all grieving parents, we don’t want him to be forgotten.

By sharing this story I hope I can help you, if you too have lost your child.

Richard would have been 23 today. So this site is a birthday present to him.

Happy Birthday son. I miss you.

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Perpetual French Fries

Thumbnail image for Perpetual French Fries February 4, 2010

I don’t guess this really has that much to do with grieving, but it’s sort of amazing.
In the week before Christmas I was on vacation. Debbie wasn’t, and since she works at our church, Christmas is one of her busy seasons.
I went in to help her one morning with some stuff to get ready for [...]

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The Dream Fades

Thumbnail image for The Dream Fades February 1, 2010

They say all good things must end. And so it seems to be.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. It gave me a great sense of peace.
The feelings from the dream were strong, but they’re fading.
Lately I’ve been thinking about what it was like for Richard in those last moments.
How long did it take? [...]

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GriefNet.org

Thumbnail image for GriefNet.org January 27, 2010

GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.
GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try [...]

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The Grief Roller Coaster

Thumbnail image for The Grief Roller Coaster January 19, 2010

Life after lossing a child has been a big roller coaster ride.
There have been a lot of deep plunges into the unknown.
And then there have been times the track has leveled out, maybe even climbed a small hill or two.
But the ride continues and the path ahead is uncertain.
Right now the track has smoothed out [...]

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It Seemed SO Real

Thumbnail image for It Seemed SO Real January 14, 2010

Since Richard’s death I haven’t dreamed about him. There was the one weird dream about him making comments on Facebook. But he hasn’t been in my dreams in person.
Until last night.
It was one of those incredibly vivid dreams. The kind that seem so very real. Intensely real. And Richard was there. Alive.
I was standing there [...]

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Footprints

Thumbnail image for Footprints January 13, 2010

I was in town this morning, so I went to the cemetery.
The cemetery had been closed on Sunday because of the snowy weather. Today it was open again.
As I left my car and started walking down the hill to Richard’s grave I looked out over the snow covered ground. There was one set of footprints. [...]

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Ambush

Thumbnail image for Ambush January 9, 2010

Debbie needed something for show-and-tell time at the next Compassionate Friends meeting. She was supposed to bring something that was important to Richard or something he was proud of. The idea was for everyone to show their item and tell the story about what it meant in the life of their child.
She asked me to [...]

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You Have No Idea How Much

Thumbnail image for You Have No Idea How Much January 7, 2010

Got snowed in today.
Debbie took the occasion to clean out the drawers in the kitchen cabinets.  In one of the drawers were many old greeting cards.
She handed me one.
It was a birthday card from Richard to me. The front of the card is above. The inside is below.

Yes Richard, it does get me right there.
I [...]

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On Grief and Grieving Book Review

Thumbnail image for On Grief and Grieving Book Review January 5, 2010

Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.
I never knew there was so much to deal with.
First the authors outline five stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. [...]

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A Nice Call

Thumbnail image for A Nice Call December 27, 2009

Got a call from Dusty Rhodes today.
Dusty is Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY and the regional coordinator. Debbie has been to a few meetings there and we both went to the last meeting before Christmas.
Dusty called to just let us know he was thinking about us. This is our first Christmas [...]

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Christmas Morning 2009

Thumbnail image for Christmas Morning 2009 December 25, 2009

Dear Richard,
It’s Christmas.
You’re not here. It’s not the same without you.
No country ham. We did have bacon, nice and crispy but not burnt.
Sarah passed out the gifts. You weren’t sitting cross-legged on the floor to get yours. Your stocking was empty. Unless you count all the thoughts of love that we sent out to you.
It [...]

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The Story Behind “Precious Child”

Thumbnail image for The Story Behind “Precious Child” December 21, 2009

While searching for information about the Worldwide Candle Lighting I stumbled upon the song “Precious Child.” Or maybe I should say I was grabbed by the song. It really had a strong affect on me.
Because this song had such a strong affect on me, I went searching for the artist. “Precious Child was written and [...]

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My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

Thumbnail image for My First Compassionate Friends Meeting December 19, 2009

I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.
So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night.  This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. [...]

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Christmas Memories

Thumbnail image for Christmas Memories December 18, 2009

Of our three children, Richard probably looked most forward to Christmas.
He was four months old on his first Christmas. After we put the tree up we brought Richard into the room and put him on the floor in front of the tree. He lit up just like that tree. He just squealed and laughed. He [...]

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Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery

Thumbnail image for Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery December 16, 2009

Sunday afternoon we did a little Christmas decorating at the cemetery.
There have already been many wreaths showing up. Debbie decided she wanted Richards grave to look different. So she bought a couple of small live trees. She put in a few ornaments and red bows.
Richard always insisted on cranberry sauce for Christmas. Not the store [...]

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A Christmas Letter to God

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Dear God,
I hope this letter finds you well. How are things in heaven? I hope all is going well. I guess they’d have to be pretty good, or they wouldn’t call it heaven would they?
Down here on earth they say you are all knowing and all powerful. That you never screw up. In fact they [...]

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Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony

Thumbnail image for Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony December 13, 2009

Tonight we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting at Frankfort, KY.
This is a memorial service for the parents, family and friends of our lost children. We honor the memory of our child with music, poems, a slide show and a candle lighting service. This event happens in each time zone all over the [...]

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Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good

Thumbnail image for Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good December 13, 2009

We will be attending the Worldwide Candle Lighting tomorrow.  On the web page about this event there is a video. It features the song Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good. The song grabbed me. It’s beautiful and amazing. I found a video on YouTube that just has the song – no info about the Candle Lighting.
Warning [...]

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Compassionate Friends

Thumbnail image for Compassionate Friends December 5, 2009

Grief Support After the Death of a Child
“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see [...]

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Richard’s Fruit Salad

Thumbnail image for Richard’s Fruit Salad December 4, 2009

The holiday season has arrived. And for us that means family gatherings.
My siblings, our children and our dogs meet at “The Farm” – my dad’s place.
The Farm is 153 acres of rolling hills surrounded by creaks. There are ponds for fishing and plenty of woods to explore. The kind of place you can let the [...]

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Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday

Thumbnail image for Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday November 26, 2009

It’s Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us.
It has also been six months since Richard died.
So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge [...]

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The Trees Fall

Thumbnail image for The Trees Fall November 24, 2009

We’ve had our house for more than 25 years.  There is a huge maple tree beside the house. It’s not in very good shape. We’ve feared it would come crashing down on the house. For most of the 25 years we’ve been here, there’ve been plans to have that tree – and others – cut [...]

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Emotional Tug-of-War

Thumbnail image for Emotional Tug-of-War November 23, 2009

Last week was a bad week.
Maybe it was because the holidays are getting near- Thanksgiving is this week, Christmas just around the corner. Maybe it’s because they’ve been advertising the benefits of generic drugs at work – but they left out the dead kid benefit part of the story.
It could also be today is the [...]

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Saying Goodbye a Bit at a Time

Thumbnail image for Saying Goodbye a Bit at a Time November 20, 2009

I finally canceled Richard’s cell phone.
For nearly six months we’ve been paying for that phone. And it has just sat there on the divider between our kitchen and TV rooms doing nothing. No phone calls. No text messages. Nothing.
So why did we waste all that money?
Because it’s just hard as hell to let go of [...]

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I Just Want To Scream!

Thumbnail image for I Just Want To Scream! November 20, 2009

There have been times since Richard died that I want to scream. Very loudly, at the top of my lungs. In anger.
Yesterday at work was one of those times.
We are going through our annual process of signing up for benefits for next year. During this period they have various insurance and health care service providers [...]

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Strange Dream

Thumbnail image for Strange Dream November 16, 2009

I haven’t had a dream since Richard died. At least not one I remembered.
Until last night.
In my dream I was checking out Facebook.
And Facebook said, “Richard Mudd commented on…”
A couple of times.
Don’t remember whose Facebook posts he commented on. Not sure I even recognized the names.  Seeing Richard making comments sort of shocked me, you [...]

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Can You Dream Again?

Thumbnail image for Can You Dream Again? November 15, 2009

After Richard’s death Paula Fangman from our church gave us a copy of Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. Paula found this book helpful after her husband passed away.
It contains some inspiring quotes and a short reading for each day of the year.
The entry for October 23 [...]

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A Final Accounting

Thumbnail image for A Final Accounting November 11, 2009

As the court appointed administrator for Richard’s estate I have to provide the court an inventory of his estate.
First off, it strikes me as funny the very notion of Richard having an estate. When I think of estates, I think about houses, farms, money, cars. Richard did have a small mutual fund account. And because [...]

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Happiness by the Books

Thumbnail image for Happiness by the Books November 9, 2009

As grieving parents we tend to notice – even concentrate – on one thing ; our grief.
That’s something we can’t avoid for a long time after our child has passed away. It just keeps jumping up and smacking us in the face.
But at some point we all need to find a way out of that [...]

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The Smile Challenge

Thumbnail image for The Smile Challenge November 8, 2009

Richard was a Dr. Seuss fan. He had all his children’s books. And he demanded they be protected from visiting small children.
So I thought this image and the up lifting  message it presents would be a good choice for grieving parents.
It’s a tough goal. Sometime we can make it, sometime we can’t get there.
You can [...]

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Getting Away From It All

Thumbnail image for Getting Away From It All November 5, 2009

Debbie had to go to a conference for her job this past week. It was at Lake Barkley State Resort Park. We decided to turn it into a get away from it all mini-vacation. So I took several days off from work and tagged along.
It was a pretty low key conference, with plenty of down [...]

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A Brick In Memory of Richard

Thumbnail image for A Brick In Memory of Richard October 31, 2009

After Richard’s death we asked friends and family to make donations in memory of him to a couple of charities.
Since Richard was an eagle scout the Boy Scouts of America were a natural choice.
We also chose the WHAS Crusade for Children. The Crusade for Children is a local charity, featuring a weekend long telethon on [...]

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Our First Halloween at the Cemetery

Thumbnail image for Our First Halloween at the Cemetery October 31, 2009

Richard was a big fan of Halloween. So we had to do a little decorating around his tombstone.
One tradition at our church has been a Halloween party for the kids. As part of this celebration there was often a haunted house – if there were enough older kids to run it.
When Richard was in Youth [...]

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Full of Joy?

Thumbnail image for Full of Joy? October 27, 2009

The Responsorial Psalm at mass yesterday got my attention. It was:
“The Lord has done great things for us. We are filled with joy.”
Filled with joy?
It’s now been five months since Richard left us.
I’ll admit the Lord has done great things for us. And I’m grateful for them. Honest.
And I keep trying to figure out what [...]

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Questions with No Answers

Thumbnail image for Questions with No Answers October 23, 2009

The death of your child leaves you with a lot of questions.
There are lots of “what if” and “why didn’t I” type questions. The ones that come from that guilty feeling that you should have done something to prevent this.
But I have other questions. Questions I’ll never be able to answer.

The day before Richard died [...]

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Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

Thumbnail image for Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough October 13, 2009

After Richard’s funeral we wrote thank you cards like crazy.
We sent one to just about everyone that signed our guest book at the funeral home. And to all the people that sent flowers or food. We sent out several huge piles.
We tried to avoid being too generic, and put personal notes in each card. We [...]

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Quit Kissing My Ashes Review

Thumbnail image for Quit Kissing My Ashes Review October 9, 2009

I don’t remember how I stumbled onto this book. I guess I was looking for some hints on dealing with grief.
Certainly the thought that our son isn’t really dead is a nice one. That our physical death is just the transformation into another phase of our life.
Stop Kissing My Ashes – A Mother’s Journey Through [...]

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Farewell Letter

Thumbnail image for Farewell Letter October 8, 2009

The day before Richard’s funeral we had a visitation at the funeral home.
I wrote a letter to our guests. We framed it and displayed it next to the guest book along with a picture of Richard.
Many people asked me for a copy of that letter. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why.
But I’m [...]

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Memorial Montage

Thumbnail image for Memorial Montage October 2, 2009

Memories.
As grieving parents, they’re all we have left of our missing child.
Pictures are one of the best ways to share those memories. But if you’re like us, those pictures may be squirreled away in boxes, or in  many photo albums. We’ve got another option to help put your child’s life on display – the photo [...]

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New Attitude on Dying

Thumbnail image for New Attitude on Dying September 30, 2009

OK I’ll admit it. The idea of dying has always scared me to death.
I’ve never wanted to do it.
After I reached my 50th birthday I figured I had just started living my second fifty years. I’ve always wanted to live as long as possible.
Losing one of my children has changed my attitude.
If I have any [...]

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The Four Month Report

Thumbnail image for The Four Month Report September 28, 2009

It has now been 4 months since the “official” date of Richard’s death.
Just thought I’d list a few observations about where we are in our grieving process.
I don’t cry as much. Not openly. I cry inside just as much. I still miss my kid.
Debbie and I go to work everyday. We’ve done this since about [...]

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Gifts at the Grave

Thumbnail image for Gifts at the Grave September 26, 2009

I visited Richard’s grave the other day and found a new addition – pictured above.
Richard had many good friends. His passing affected them as well as it did us. They miss him too.
They visit his grave. We’ve been there a few times when they’ve arrived.
Other times they’ve left clues. Like these soft drinks that were [...]

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The Richard Book

Thumbnail image for The Richard Book September 26, 2009

Debbie’s birthday was last month.
Her gift from our daughter Sarah arrived from Texas the other day. In the enclosed birthday card, Sarah instructed her mom to share the gift with me. There was a pack of Kleenex attached to the gift, warning of an emotional surprise inside.
It was a special gift indeed.
Inside was a custom-made [...]

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A Day in Court

Thumbnail image for A Day in Court September 22, 2009

Yesterday I got to go to court.
In order to get access to Richard’s bank account and his mutual fund, I have to be the administrator of his estate.
I won’t go into how strange it sounds to talk about Richard’s estate – when he owed more than he owned. The lawyers call this an insolvent estate.
I [...]

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The Big Game

Thumbnail image for The Big Game September 20, 2009

Richard was a big sports fan. His bedroom is decorated in Miami Dolphins colors. They were his favorite NFL team.
We had many sports talks. The sports minded members of my family are University of Kentucky fans. I went to school there in the 70’s . My parents had season tickets to the football games. My [...]

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Franklin on Death

Thumbnail image for Franklin on Death September 18, 2009

The founders of our nation were pretty smart folks.
Following the death of his brother John Franklin, Benjamin Franklin wrote this letter to Elizabeth Hubbard, his brothers stepdaughter, on February 22, 1756
Dear Child,
I condole with you, we have lost a most dear and valuable relation, but it is the will of God and Nature that these [...]

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Trouble at the Cemetery

Trouble at the Cemetery September 17, 2009

Got a call last week from Mark at the cemetery.
“Someone put up a rock border around your son’s headstone.”
Well, yeah. Debbie and I spent an entire Sunday afternoon putting that there. We wanted to get it looking nice for Richard’s birthday.
It was hard work. The sod in that area of the cemetery has a tough [...]

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Probate Problems

Thumbnail image for Probate Problems September 10, 2009

I was supposed to go to court on Monday to start probate on Richard’s estate.
The purpose of the proceeding is to give me legal authority to handle Richard’s financial affairs. I need this authority to close out his accounts and clear up the final details of his financial life.
My lawyer called today. Whether by a [...]

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Richard

Thumbnail image for Richard June 10, 2009

Here’s a quick tip for you.
If you miss a call on your phone, and don’t recognize the number, and when you call back they answer, “Fayette County Coroner” – your day is about to go in the toilet.
Mine did.
It got worse.
After apologizing for breaking the news to me over the phone, the coroner lady told [...]

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