Grieving Sucks

Post image for Grieving Sucks

by Joe Mudd on August 31, 2009

And grieving for a lost child takes pain to a whole new level.

This site is the story of our journey through grief for our lost son Richard. Therapy maybe.  Probably also share some stories about Richard. We were very proud of him and like all grieving parents, we don’t want him to be forgotten.

By sharing this story I hope I can help you, if you too have lost your child.

Richard would have been 23 today. So this site is a birthday present to him.

Happy Birthday son. I miss you.

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Life Returns to the Cemetery

Thumbnail image for Life Returns to the Cemetery March 12, 2010

I guess it’s true that life goes on.
This winter has been long and cold. Really it has been cold since Richard died. I don’t remember a summer as cool as the past summer was. The grass stayed green the entire time.
And the winter bleakness has lasted very long.
But it seems life is returning.
The pansies we [...]

Read the full article →

When Should You Return to Work?

Thumbnail image for When Should You Return to Work? March 10, 2010

A big question many of us must face after lossing a child is when do I go back to work?
Most are probably like me – you need the money, so you have to go back as soon as your employer’s funeral leave has ended.
My employer gives us 5 days paid time off for the loss [...]

Read the full article →

Onions

Thumbnail image for Onions March 8, 2010

One of the best things for spiritual healing is to get outside. Into the sunshine – into the light.
Winter makes this hard to do. But spring is finally offering it’s first teasing tastes of better days ahead.
This weekend brought us temps in the low 50’s and sunshine.
I went out to my garden and planted some [...]

Read the full article →

Lighting Candles at Church

Thumbnail image for Lighting Candles at Church February 28, 2010

The Compassionate Friends have an annual candle lighting ceremony and lighting candles is an important ritual in the Catholic Church. I light candles for Richard at least once a week.
So why do we light candles?
In lighting candles we see our prayer rising up to heaven. We join our prayer in solidarity with others that have [...]

Read the full article →

Miracles

Thumbnail image for Miracles February 24, 2010

Church can be a dangerous place for a grieving parent.
In his sermon Sunday, Father Bill mentioned some miracles. He started with several taken from the Bible, including the story of Christ raising a little dead girl back to life.
Father Bill then told us of a local family. One of the boy’s in the family was getting [...]

Read the full article →

Richard Introduces Us To Ivy – Sort Of

Thumbnail image for Richard Introduces Us To Ivy – Sort Of February 19, 2010

Many times Richard and I were told we were just alike. One of our shared quirks was not liking it when someone was watching over our shoulder. We like our privacy.
When Richard was in his late teens and early twenties he didn’t often share what was going on in his “private life” with us – [...]

Read the full article →

Grieving Dad’s

Thumbnail image for Grieving Dad’s February 18, 2010

The following is from We Need Not Walk Alone, the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends.

The Father’s Grief The Father’s Grief
By David Pellegrin
TCF Honolulu, HI
At my second meeting of The Compassionate Friends about three years ago, one of the mothers said how nice it was to see a man attending, since “men grieve differently from women.”
Her [...]

Read the full article →

TCF Frankfort Website

Thumbnail image for TCF Frankfort Website February 11, 2010

“Our” chapter of The Compassionate Friends launched a new website recently.
If you live near Frankfort, KY and have lost a child or sibling you should check them out.
They’re having a conference in March. Details are at the website:
http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com/

Read the full article →

Faith

Thumbnail image for Faith February 11, 2010

Faith seems to play a big part in dealing with our grief. It even played a part in causing our grief.
Faith in the medical profession was a big factor in Richard’s death. I’m sure the generic seizure medicine caused him to have his last seizure. We believed what they all told us – that generics [...]

Read the full article →

Perpetual French Fries

Thumbnail image for Perpetual French Fries February 4, 2010

I don’t guess this really has that much to do with grieving, but it’s sort of amazing.
In the week before Christmas I was on vacation. Debbie wasn’t, and since she works at our church, Christmas is one of her busy seasons.
I went in to help her one morning with some stuff to get ready for [...]

Read the full article →

Tree Thieves Strike

Thumbnail image for Tree Thieves Strike February 3, 2010

Christmas was always a big deal to Richard. So we put out a Christmas tree at his grave and one at my mom’s grave which is located right behind Richard’s. We used live trees, intending to plant them somewhere later.
They were in pots. We just dug into the ground and buried them up to the [...]

Read the full article →

The Dream Fades

Thumbnail image for The Dream Fades February 1, 2010

They say all good things must end. And so it seems to be.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. It gave me a great sense of peace.
The feelings from the dream were strong, but they’re fading.
Lately I’ve been thinking about what it was like for Richard in those last moments.
How long did it take? [...]

Read the full article →

GriefNet.org

Thumbnail image for GriefNet.org January 27, 2010

GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.
GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try [...]

Read the full article →

The Grief Roller Coaster

Thumbnail image for The Grief Roller Coaster January 19, 2010

Life after lossing a child has been a big roller coaster ride.
There have been a lot of deep plunges into the unknown.
And then there have been times the track has leveled out, maybe even climbed a small hill or two.
But the ride continues and the path ahead is uncertain.
Right now the track has smoothed out [...]

Read the full article →

It Seemed SO Real

Thumbnail image for It Seemed SO Real January 14, 2010

Since Richard’s death I haven’t dreamed about him. There was the one weird dream about him making comments on Facebook. But he hasn’t been in my dreams in person.
Until last night.
It was one of those incredibly vivid dreams. The kind that seem so very real. Intensely real. And Richard was there. Alive.
I was standing there [...]

Read the full article →

Footprints

Thumbnail image for Footprints January 13, 2010

I was in town this morning, so I went to the cemetery.
The cemetery had been closed on Sunday because of the snowy weather. Today it was open again.
As I left my car and started walking down the hill to Richard’s grave I looked out over the snow covered ground. There was one set of footprints. [...]

Read the full article →

Ambush

Thumbnail image for Ambush January 9, 2010

Debbie needed something for show-and-tell time at the next Compassionate Friends meeting. She was supposed to bring something that was important to Richard or something he was proud of. The idea was for everyone to show their item and tell the story about what it meant in the life of their child.
She asked me to [...]

Read the full article →

You Have No Idea How Much

Thumbnail image for You Have No Idea How Much January 7, 2010

Got snowed in today.
Debbie took the occasion to clean out the drawers in the kitchen cabinets.  In one of the drawers were many old greeting cards.
She handed me one.
It was a birthday card from Richard to me. The front of the card is above. The inside is below.

Yes Richard, it does get me right there.
I [...]

Read the full article →

On Grief and Grieving Book Review

Thumbnail image for On Grief and Grieving Book Review January 5, 2010

Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.
I never knew there was so much to deal with.
First the authors outline five stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. [...]

Read the full article →

A Nice Call

Thumbnail image for A Nice Call December 27, 2009

Got a call from Dusty Rhodes today.
Dusty is Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY and the regional coordinator. Debbie has been to a few meetings there and we both went to the last meeting before Christmas.
Dusty called to just let us know he was thinking about us. This is our first Christmas [...]

Read the full article →

Christmas Morning 2009

Thumbnail image for Christmas Morning 2009 December 25, 2009

Dear Richard,
It’s Christmas.
You’re not here. It’s not the same without you.
No country ham. We did have bacon, nice and crispy but not burnt.
Sarah passed out the gifts. You weren’t sitting cross-legged on the floor to get yours. Your stocking was empty. Unless you count all the thoughts of love that we sent out to you.
It [...]

Read the full article →

The Story Behind “Precious Child”

Thumbnail image for The Story Behind “Precious Child” December 21, 2009

While searching for information about the Worldwide Candle Lighting I stumbled upon the song “Precious Child.” Or maybe I should say I was grabbed by the song. It really had a strong affect on me.
Because this song had such a strong affect on me, I went searching for the artist. “Precious Child was written and [...]

Read the full article →

My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

Thumbnail image for My First Compassionate Friends Meeting December 19, 2009

I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.
So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night.  This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. [...]

Read the full article →

Christmas Memories

Thumbnail image for Christmas Memories December 18, 2009

Of our three children, Richard probably looked most forward to Christmas.
He was four months old on his first Christmas. After we put the tree up we brought Richard into the room and put him on the floor in front of the tree. He lit up just like that tree. He just squealed and laughed. He [...]

Read the full article →

Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery

Thumbnail image for Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery December 16, 2009

Sunday afternoon we did a little Christmas decorating at the cemetery.
There have already been many wreaths showing up. Debbie decided she wanted Richards grave to look different. So she bought a couple of small live trees. She put in a few ornaments and red bows.
Richard always insisted on cranberry sauce for Christmas. Not the store [...]

Read the full article →

A Christmas Letter to God

Thumbnail image for A Christmas Letter to God December 15, 2009

Dear God,
I hope this letter finds you well. How are things in heaven? I hope all is going well. I guess they’d have to be pretty good, or they wouldn’t call it heaven would they?
Down here on earth they say you are all knowing and all powerful. That you never screw up. In fact they [...]

Read the full article →

Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony

Thumbnail image for Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony December 13, 2009

Tonight we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting at Frankfort, KY.
This is a memorial service for the parents, family and friends of our lost children. We honor the memory of our child with music, poems, a slide show and a candle lighting service. This event happens in each time zone all over the [...]

Read the full article →

Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good

Thumbnail image for Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good December 13, 2009

We will be attending the Worldwide Candle Lighting tomorrow.  On the web page about this event there is a video. It features the song Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good. The song grabbed me. It’s beautiful and amazing. I found a video on YouTube that just has the song – no info about the Candle Lighting.
Warning [...]

Read the full article →

Compassionate Friends

Thumbnail image for Compassionate Friends December 5, 2009

Grief Support After the Death of a Child
“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see [...]

Read the full article →

Richard’s Fruit Salad

Thumbnail image for Richard’s Fruit Salad December 4, 2009

The holiday season has arrived. And for us that means family gatherings.
My siblings, our children and our dogs meet at “The Farm” – my dad’s place.
The Farm is 153 acres of rolling hills surrounded by creaks. There are ponds for fishing and plenty of woods to explore. The kind of place you can let the [...]

Read the full article →

Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday

Thumbnail image for Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday November 26, 2009

It’s Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us.
It has also been six months since Richard died.
So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge [...]

Read the full article →

The Trees Fall

Thumbnail image for The Trees Fall November 24, 2009

We’ve had our house for more than 25 years.  There is a huge maple tree beside the house. It’s not in very good shape. We’ve feared it would come crashing down on the house. For most of the 25 years we’ve been here, there’ve been plans to have that tree – and others – cut [...]

Read the full article →

Emotional Tug-of-War

Thumbnail image for Emotional Tug-of-War November 23, 2009

Last week was a bad week.
Maybe it was because the holidays are getting near- Thanksgiving is this week, Christmas just around the corner. Maybe it’s because they’ve been advertising the benefits of generic drugs at work – but they left out the dead kid benefit part of the story.
It could also be today is the [...]

Read the full article →

Saying Goodbye a Bit at a Time

Thumbnail image for Saying Goodbye a Bit at a Time November 20, 2009

I finally canceled Richard’s cell phone.
For nearly six months we’ve been paying for that phone. And it has just sat there on the divider between our kitchen and TV rooms doing nothing. No phone calls. No text messages. Nothing.
So why did we waste all that money?
Because it’s just hard as hell to let go of [...]

Read the full article →

I Just Want To Scream!

Thumbnail image for I Just Want To Scream! November 20, 2009

There have been times since Richard died that I want to scream. Very loudly, at the top of my lungs. In anger.
Yesterday at work was one of those times.
We are going through our annual process of signing up for benefits for next year. During this period they have various insurance and health care service providers [...]

Read the full article →

Strange Dream

Thumbnail image for Strange Dream November 16, 2009

I haven’t had a dream since Richard died. At least not one I remembered.
Until last night.
In my dream I was checking out Facebook.
And Facebook said, “Richard Mudd commented on…”
A couple of times.
Don’t remember whose Facebook posts he commented on. Not sure I even recognized the names.  Seeing Richard making comments sort of shocked me, you [...]

Read the full article →

Can You Dream Again?

Thumbnail image for Can You Dream Again? November 15, 2009

After Richard’s death Paula Fangman from our church gave us a copy of Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. Paula found this book helpful after her husband passed away.
It contains some inspiring quotes and a short reading for each day of the year.
The entry for October 23 [...]

Read the full article →

A Final Accounting

Thumbnail image for A Final Accounting November 11, 2009

As the court appointed administrator for Richard’s estate I have to provide the court an inventory of his estate.
First off, it strikes me as funny the very notion of Richard having an estate. When I think of estates, I think about houses, farms, money, cars. Richard did have a small mutual fund account. And because [...]

Read the full article →

Happiness by the Books

Thumbnail image for Happiness by the Books November 9, 2009

As grieving parents we tend to notice – even concentrate – on one thing ; our grief.
That’s something we can’t avoid for a long time after our child has passed away. It just keeps jumping up and smacking us in the face.
But at some point we all need to find a way out of that [...]

Read the full article →

The Smile Challenge

Thumbnail image for The Smile Challenge November 8, 2009

Richard was a Dr. Seuss fan. He had all his children’s books. And he demanded they be protected from visiting small children.
So I thought this image and the up lifting  message it presents would be a good choice for grieving parents.
It’s a tough goal. Sometime we can make it, sometime we can’t get there.
You can [...]

Read the full article →

Getting Away From It All

Thumbnail image for Getting Away From It All November 5, 2009

Debbie had to go to a conference for her job this past week. It was at Lake Barkley State Resort Park. We decided to turn it into a get away from it all mini-vacation. So I took several days off from work and tagged along.
It was a pretty low key conference, with plenty of down [...]

Read the full article →

A Brick In Memory of Richard

Thumbnail image for A Brick In Memory of Richard October 31, 2009

After Richard’s death we asked friends and family to make donations in memory of him to a couple of charities.
Since Richard was an eagle scout the Boy Scouts of America were a natural choice.
We also chose the WHAS Crusade for Children. The Crusade for Children is a local charity, featuring a weekend long telethon on [...]

Read the full article →

Our First Halloween at the Cemetery

Thumbnail image for Our First Halloween at the Cemetery October 31, 2009

Richard was a big fan of Halloween. So we had to do a little decorating around his tombstone.
One tradition at our church has been a Halloween party for the kids. As part of this celebration there was often a haunted house – if there were enough older kids to run it.
When Richard was in Youth [...]

Read the full article →

Full of Joy?

Thumbnail image for Full of Joy? October 27, 2009

The Responsorial Psalm at mass yesterday got my attention. It was:
“The Lord has done great things for us. We are filled with joy.”
Filled with joy?
It’s now been five months since Richard left us.
I’ll admit the Lord has done great things for us. And I’m grateful for them. Honest.
And I keep trying to figure out what [...]

Read the full article →

Questions with No Answers

Thumbnail image for Questions with No Answers October 23, 2009

The death of your child leaves you with a lot of questions.
There are lots of “what if” and “why didn’t I” type questions. The ones that come from that guilty feeling that you should have done something to prevent this.
But I have other questions. Questions I’ll never be able to answer.

The day before Richard died [...]

Read the full article →

Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

Thumbnail image for Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough October 13, 2009

After Richard’s funeral we wrote thank you cards like crazy.
We sent one to just about everyone that signed our guest book at the funeral home. And to all the people that sent flowers or food. We sent out several huge piles.
We tried to avoid being too generic, and put personal notes in each card. We [...]

Read the full article →

Quit Kissing My Ashes Review

Thumbnail image for Quit Kissing My Ashes Review October 9, 2009

I don’t remember how I stumbled onto this book. I guess I was looking for some hints on dealing with grief.
Certainly the thought that our son isn’t really dead is a nice one. That our physical death is just the transformation into another phase of our life.
Stop Kissing My Ashes – A Mother’s Journey Through [...]

Read the full article →

Farewell Letter

Thumbnail image for Farewell Letter October 8, 2009

The day before Richard’s funeral we had a visitation at the funeral home.
I wrote a letter to our guests. We framed it and displayed it next to the guest book along with a picture of Richard.
Many people asked me for a copy of that letter. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why.
But I’m [...]

Read the full article →

Memorial Montage

Thumbnail image for Memorial Montage October 2, 2009

Memories.
As grieving parents, they’re all we have left of our missing child.
Pictures are one of the best ways to share those memories. But if you’re like us, those pictures may be squirreled away in boxes, or in  many photo albums. We’ve got another option to help put your child’s life on display – the photo [...]

Read the full article →

New Attitude on Dying

Thumbnail image for New Attitude on Dying September 30, 2009

OK I’ll admit it. The idea of dying has always scared me to death.
I’ve never wanted to do it.
After I reached my 50th birthday I figured I had just started living my second fifty years. I’ve always wanted to live as long as possible.
Losing one of my children has changed my attitude.
If I have any [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries