Grieving Parent

Tag: Resources

  • On Grief and Grieving – Book Review

    On Grief and Grieving – Book Review

    Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving"On Grief and Grieving" book cover by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.

    I never knew there was so much to deal with.

    First the authors outline five stages of grief:

    • Denial
    • Anger
    • Bargaining
    • Depression
    • Acceptance

    I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. I may have to resign myself to the reality of Richard’s death, but I’ll never accept it. It’s unacceptable – I just can’t do anything about it.

    Unfortunately this list isn’t a follow-the-dots pathway to healing. We are all different. We grieve differently. These are just general guidelines of what to expect.

    Then there are what the book calls the “Inner World of Grief.” This section of the book goes through the many different things we grieve for when we lose someone. This shows why grieving is so hard – it’s just so complex.

    The section on regrets hit home for me. There are the obvious regrets of not doing something to prevent Richard’s death. Of not seeing the signs. But there is also the regret of what will be missed.

    I didn’t just love Richard, I also liked him. I enjoyed being around him. If I had been his peer instead of his parent, I’m certain we’d have been pals. I was looking forward to that time when our parent – child relationship could change to a friendship. That transformation had in fact already begun. I was looking forward to going to ballgames with him, and maybe doing a business venture with him.

    That lost future is a big grieving area for me.

    The book also covers the “Outer World of Grief.” About dealing with the rest of the world while we deal with the pain. About anniversaries, holidays, health changes and more.

    The authors then cover some specific circumstances such as death and children, suicide, sudden death and others.

    It’s a detailed look at grief. It covers a lot of ground and I’m sure many of the topics will bring you insight.

    The biggest lesson I’ve taken from the book is to not look for the easy out. There isn’t one. We have to find our own path, and we’ll stumble and fall many times along the way. Our society doesn’t support grieving people very well. We all think a person should “be over it” in a few months. We won’t.

    Reading this book could help you deal with that.

  • My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

    My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

    I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.

    So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night.  This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. The norm is once per month.

    There were four men there. We were out numbered by the ladies by about 2 to 1. Of the four men, three of us are named Joe. I have no idea if that means anything, but it’s interesting anyway.

    The meeting started with each of us introducing ourselves and telling a little about our child. Counting Debbie and myself there were three of us that had lost our child within the past 6 months. At the other end of the spectrum there was a couple that lost their child nearly 21 years ago.

    This led into a natural spin off to issues of handling grief.

    As expected, those of us that have recently become bereaved parents still feel pain in a very raw and overwhelming way. What really made an impact on me is how intrense that pain still is for those parents that have been facing this problem for years. I knew it would be something that we’d never really “get over” but I didn’t really realize just how powerful that feeling remains. This is a long hard road that lays before us.

    We had a long discussion about getting through the Christmas season.

    Almost none of the people there listen to Christmas music. Even those that lost a child years ago. One of the couples said they no longer exchange gifts. One said he avoids going into Walmart during the holiday season. This must mean he only goes in there about half the year, because it seems they start playing Christmas music right after the 4th of July holiday.

    The general consensus was the desire to fast forward past the holidays completely.

    Yep, I agree the holidays are really tough. I’ve been on the edge for the past month. But I don’t want to completely avoid everyone during the season. My family has been a big part of surviving this for both of us. I still want to be with them on Christmas. I would like to skip the gift giving part though.

    We had a little food and fellowship. Just talking about our kids and our grief experience with people that are living it too.

    Our friends and family want to help, but they have no idea how. We have no idea how either. But TCF gives us a chance to spend time with people that understand this horrible mess in a way no one else can.

    It’s a long hard road. Maybe it’s best to not travel it alone.

  • Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends

    Grief Support After the Death of a Child

    “The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

    —Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends is one of the largest support groups for bereaved parents and families.

    They offer several written resources on their website.

    They have resources for siblings and grandparents as well as for the parents of a lost child.

    They also have a weekly one hour radio show dealing with different aspects of life after the loss of a child. You can find an archive of past shows on the website that you can download as an mp3 file.

    But the biggest feature of Compassionate Friends are the local chapters.

    At your local chapter you can meet other people that have traveled this road in life. We are not alone. And only people that have experienced this grief really understand it. Sometime it helps to talk to people that have been there. People that have survived this ordeal. That can offer you hope.

    Most chapters meet once a month, but the chapter nearest us meets twice monthly.

    If you’ve lost a child Compassionate Friends should be one of the first places you go for help.

    Find Them Here:

    Website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

    Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Compassionate-FriendsUSA/90757574245

  • Quit Kissing My Ashes Review

    Quit Kissing My Ashes Review

    "Quit Kissing My Ashes" book coverI don’t remember how I stumbled onto this book. I guess I was looking for some hints on dealing with grief.

    Certainly the thought that our son isn’t really dead is a nice one. That our physical death is just the transformation into another phase of our life.

    Stop Kissing My Ashes – A Mother’s Journey Through Grief is Judy Collier’s story of finding her son Kyle’s new spiritual existence.

    I’ll admit in the past I thought the idea of people communicating with the dead was, well…. nuts. I find having a dead son has caused me to be more open minded. Anyway, I bought the book.

    Right off the bat she got my attention when she said,

    “on a soul level I knew Kyle would not be with us for very long.”

    On the night we found out about Richard’s death, Debbie and I sat together and went through pictures. While talking, we both admitted we had always felt Richard would leave us early. Neither of us had ever admitted this out loud, but we both had felt it for most of his life. I always hoped I was just being a paranoid parent.

    Mrs Collier used psychic mediums to communicate with her son.

    My skeptic hairs started standing up on the back of my neck.  Psychics?

    Because her son was always fond of animals, Mrs. Collier was told to look for signs from her son to come from animals.

    So it seems like every time she saw an animal outside, it was a sign from Kyle.

    I fully understand, and share, the need we parents have to find out about the souls of our parted children. But every animal that shows up in the backyard can’t be a sign from the dead. Can it?

    I was telling Debbie about this one night. How it seemed that every bug and critter the author saw was a sign for the author.

    There was a moth flying around the ceiling. Circling the light fixture, like moths do.

    I asked Debbie, “Do you think that moth is a sign from Richard?”

    “No,” was her reply.

    Just then the moth flew down and landed on Debbie’s shoulder. It walked up to her shoulder and almost looked like it was trying to kiss her on the neck. It then flew down and landed on her finger. It walked around a bit then turned to face her and just sat there looking up at her. It stayed there a couple of minutes then flew off.

    A sign from Richard? I don’t think so, but still…..  kind of weird.

    Butterfly are often used as a symbol of the spirit life.

    The other night Debbie was outside fixing a couple of pork chops on the grill.

    She hollered, “Come out here and look at this!”

    Up in a tree in our backyard were butterflies. Hundred of butterflies. Maybe thousands.

    They were covering several branches of the tree. Like orange leaves with spots.

    A sign from Richard? I doubt it, but still we’ve never seen anything like it around here before.

    I told Richard, ” Bugs and critters won’t cut it kid. If you want to get in touch with us, you need to come talk to us in person.”

    Kyle never communicated directly to his parents. Typical young male. But from the stories in the book, it sounds like he talked to just about everyone else he had known in life.

    And then there were the “readings.”

    The author did a lot of these, where her son communicated with her through a medium.

    I’ve never understood the need for a third party. If those in the spirit world want to talk to us, why not do it directly. Why use a middleman?

    I’ve read about the tricks that psychics use. How they or their staff listen for clues. How they ask open ended questions that draw you in and get you to reveal more information. They get you to fill in the blanks but make it look like your lost love one is giving the answers.

    A lot of the things Mrs. Collier tells about could fall into that category.

    But still there are some things that seem to break the mold.

    The title of the book is one such story.

    During a reading she was told, “Kyle says tell mom to quit kissing my ashes. I’m not in there.”

    Her son’s ashes were in an urn kept on the mantle. Every night she would kiss the urn to tell Kyle goodnight.

    Can’t think of a way anyone would know that if she didn’t tell them.

    She tells many very compelling stories.

    Like probably all parents that have lost a child, I want to believe the stories are true.

    It is sincerely written, and yes, convincing.

    My mind is still open to the possibilities.

    But Richard, if you’re reading this, no mediums allowed. Come talk to me.

    Quit Kissing My Ashes: A Mother’s Journey Through Grief