Grieving Parent

Tag: holidays

Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery

This past weekend Debbie and I went to the cemetery with Christmas trees.

Once again we took small, real trees. We plan to take them and plant them somewhere later. Hopefully we’ll retrieve them before they disappear this time.

Richard’s 2010 Christmas tree.

Last year Debbie made strings of cranberries to put on the trees.

Richard liked cranberries. Not that Jello looking stuff you plop out of a can, but the real deal. He and Debbie would cook up real cranberries in our big cast iron skillet. When he was young he liked to help stir the sugary berry mix and watch the cranberries pop. I think he was the only member of the family that really cared much for them – though the real thing was much better than the canned version. We had cranberries every Christmas because Richard wanted them.

Debbie also thought the birds would like the fresh berries.

Well the birds didn’t pay much attention to them, and Richard didn’t reach out and pluck any of them off the tree either. So this year she decided it wasn’t worth the work. She bought some strings of red beads and put them on the trees. There are also some small balls and ribbons.

While we were there, we met another set of grieving parents, the Longs. Their son Michael Todd Long is one of Richard’s neighbors now. He died at the age of 15. That was about 13 years ago. They were there to decorate their son’s headstone.

The Long’s decorate the top of their son’s stone.

Like us, they have parents buried close by and will join their son there some day. She told me she wasn’t in any hurry to die, but she wasn’t afraid of it either, because she knew she’d get to she her son again when it happens.

Exactly.

12/15/2010
Mother’s Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. A hard day for all bereaved moms.

It was Debbie’s first Mother’s Day with Richard gone. It came with all the pain of no longer having him there to tell her “Happy Mother’s Day”, of not getting another goofy card from her kid and from just knowing he is gone.

But it is also a tough day for both of us because on Mother’s Day one year ago, we saw Richard for the last time.

He worked on Saturday night, as a waiter at Logan’s Steak House. He drove to our house after he got off work, arriving in the early morning hours, so he could visit his mom on Mother’s Day. He went to church with us and got to stay for just a short time after, as he had to work that afternoon.

We told him goodbye and watched him leave for Lexington. That was the very last time we laid eyes on him. We never saw Richard again.

So we knew it would be a stressful day.

How did we handle it?

We decided to run away – sort of.

Debbie still has a hard time making it through church without tears. She remembers seeing Richard at mass every week, usually standing in the back and getting “volunteered” to help the ushers. The sermons on Mother’s Day often revolve around motherhood type themes. There is also a recognition of the moms at the service, usually they are asked to stand and all us non-moms clap for them. We knew this would be an emotional land mine for her.

So we didn’t go to church Sunday. Sorry God – please forgive us.

We went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. But we didn’t go to our local Cracker Barrel in Shelbyville. We drove to Louisville to eat.

After returning home and changing clothes we went to Kroger and bought some stuff for supper and some flowers – tulips – to take to the cemetery.

We put tulips at my mom’s grave and at Richard’s.

We also cleaned the bird poop off Richard’s headstone and did a few plantings at his grave.

The plan was to go home, fix dinner on the grill and watch some movies together.

We just wanted to stay away from everyone and spent the day together.

That was the plan.

Then I got a call from my dad. He said the tomato plants were already too tall and I needed to come over and get them before the rain came in tonight. My dad is the tomato plant supplier for all of our family.

So I went to the farm and got tomato plants. I brought them home.

Debbie and I then spent a good portion of the remaining day light planting tomatoes. We put in 25 plants.

Then we fixed our ribeye’s on the grill.

It was a nice day in a sad sort of way.

05/10/2010
Easter

It’s Easter Sunday.

Another big family gathering day.

Another check mark on our Year of Firsts check list. Our first Easter without Richard.

I really hate these Year of Firsts check off items. But I’m pretty sure I’ll hate the Year of Seconds, and the Year of Thirds and on and on etc., etc., just as much.

It was a really beautiful spring day.

We started with Easter Mass at our church. As always on Easter, it was crowded, as the twice-a-year church goer’s showed up in force.

Most of us were dressed up for the occasion. Easter was one of the twice-a-year-I’ll-wear-dress-clothes days for Richard.

My sister and her husband had their whole family with them. We sat behind them. We as in Debbie and me. Sarah is in Texas. And Richard isn’t here.

But Richard wouldn’t have sat with us anyway. He always stood in the back of church. Standing back there usually meant he would get volunteered to be an usher when one of the people assigned for that mass failed to show up – which happens most weeks. He would sometime complain about having to usher so often, but he always went back for more.

After church we went to the cemetery. We took some candy for Richard and my mom. Yeah, I know it’s pretty silly to toss candy out on the ground at somebody’s grave, but that’s what we did. We’ll do it again I’m sure.

Later in the afternoon we went to the farm for a family get-together. Lot’s of food, lot’s of dogs and cats, but mostly lot’s of loving family.

The cousins shared a few more of their Richard stories with us. Really enjoyed that.

It was a very nice day. But like everyday since that awful day, it was missing something, and we were missing someone.

I was going to use the picture below as the spotlight image at the beginning of this post, but my fabulous daughter beat me to the punch. But he looked so cute, I had to share it here too.

Richard showing off his Easter best, and his trademark smile.

04/04/2010
Christmas Morning 2009

Dear Richard,

It’s Christmas.

You’re not here. It’s not the same without you.

No country ham. We did have bacon, nice and crispy but not burnt.

Sarah passed out the gifts. You weren’t sitting cross-legged on the floor to get yours. Your stocking was empty. Unless you count all the thoughts of love that we sent out to you.

It was a nice morning – sort of.

Not as nice as the twenty-two Christmas mornings that we had you here with us.

And we didn’t go to the farm. Your uncle Stuart had to have back surgery a week ago and he can’t travel much. So we went to his house this time. You probably would have enjoyed it, even though you don’t like to change our traditions. They have a pool table and Foosball. There was a lot of heated compitition – just the way you like it.

Merry Christmas son.

We miss you.

Love,
Dad

12/25/2009
My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.

So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night. This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. The norm is once per month.

There were four men there. We were out numbered by the ladies by about 2 to 1. Of the four men, three of us are named Joe. I have no idea if that means anything, but it’s interesting anyway.

The meeting started with each of us introducing ourselves and telling a little about our child. Counting Debbie and myself there were three of us that had lost our child within the past 6 months. At the other end of the spectrum there was a couple that lost their child nearly 21 years ago.

This led into a natural spin off to issues of handling grief.

As expected, those of us that have recently become bereaved parents still feel pain in a very raw and overwhelming way. What really made an impact on me is how intrense that pain still is for those parents that have been facing this problem for years. I knew it would be something that we’d never really “get over” but I didn’t really realize just how powerful that feeling remains. This is a long hard road that lays before us.

We had a long discussion about getting through the Christmas season.

Almost none of the people there listen to Christmas music. Even those that lost a child years ago. One of the couples said they no longer exchange gifts. One said he avoids going into Walmart during the holiday season. This must mean he only goes in there about half the year, because it seems they start playing Christmas music right after the 4th of July holiday.

The general consensus was the desire to fast forward past the holidays completely.

Yep, I agree the holidays are really tough. I’ve been on the edge for the past month. But I don’t want to completely avoid everyone during the season. My family has been a big part of surviving this for both of us. I still want to be with them on Christmas. I would like to skip the gift giving part though.

We had a little food and fellowship. Just talking about our kids and our grief experience with people that are living it too.

Our friends and family want to help, but they have no idea how. We have no idea how either. But TCF gives us a chance to spend time with people that understand this horrible mess in a way no one else can.

It’s a long hard road. Maybe it’s best to not travel it alone.

12/19/2009