Grieving Parent

Tag: Comforting Thoughts

  • Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends

    Grief Support After the Death of a Child

    “The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

    —Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends is one of the largest support groups for bereaved parents and families.

    They offer several written resources on their website.

    They have resources for siblings and grandparents as well as for the parents of a lost child.

    They also have a weekly one hour radio show dealing with different aspects of life after the loss of a child. You can find an archive of past shows on the website that you can download as an mp3 file.

    But the biggest feature of Compassionate Friends are the local chapters.

    At your local chapter you can meet other people that have traveled this road in life. We are not alone. And only people that have experienced this grief really understand it. Sometime it helps to talk to people that have been there. People that have survived this ordeal. That can offer you hope.

    Most chapters meet once a month, but the chapter nearest us meets twice monthly.

    If you’ve lost a child Compassionate Friends should be one of the first places you go for help.

    Find Them Here:

    Website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

    Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Compassionate-FriendsUSA/90757574245

  • Richard’s Fruit Salad

    Richard’s Fruit Salad

    The holiday season has arrived. And for us that means family gatherings.

    My siblings, our children and our dogs meet at “The Farm” – my dad’s place.

    The Farm is 153 acres of rolling hills surrounded by creaks. There are ponds for fishing and plenty of woods to explore. The kind of place you can let the kids and the dogs go free. Where they can let their spirits soar. The kind of place you can reconnect your soul to the universe.

    There is a also the house. It’s always been big. But since mom died in 2000 my dad has been expanding it. I guess that’s his way of dealing with grief. It could now serve as a small hotel. Heated with wood stoves, it’s the perfect place for a nice nap after a big holiday meal. Spots on the two couches in front of the stove fill quickly after dinner.

    And speaking of big meals.

    Our family gatherings include plenty of food. Dad usually provides a turkey and at Christmas a ham. Each of us kids bring several dishes as well. From appetizers and snacks to salads and casseroles to desserts, there is something to eat the entire time you’re there.

    Over the years each of our families has taken certain dishes as their assignments – bringing them every year.

    One of our “assigned” dishes has been fruit salad. I usually get the job of cutting up the fruit. This is an assortment of apples, white and red grapes, bananas and mandarin oranges. Debbie then mixes all these together in a big bowl and stirs in some salad dressing.  We might add some pecan pieces if we have any in the house.

    It tastes good. But it doesn’t age very well. Something about that mix of fruit, salad dressing and time doesn’t work. As the day wears on it sort of liquefies and darkens. It gets ugly. Still tastes good, but no one wants it.

    Richard used to complain about it.

    Last year Richard told us he’d make the fruit salad. In addition to the our usual ingredients he added pineapple, kiwi and strawberries. Instead of salad dressing he squeezed the juice from two fresh lemons and poured that over the fruit and mixed it together.

    It was good. It was pretty. And it stayed pretty. People liked it.

    So we assigned Richard the role of fruit salad chef for all future family gatherings.

    This past Thanksgiving we had to do the fruit salad again. We tried to use Richards recipe.  It turned out pretty good.

    But it was missing an important ingredient.

  • Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday

    Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday

    It’s Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us.

    It has also been six months since Richard died.

    So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge part of our life missing.

    It takes more work to find it, but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

    I’m grateful for my great family and friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without them.

    I’m grateful to have my beautiful daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special young lady.

    I give thanks everyday for the wonderful memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what we had. And it was special.

    And this one may make you think I’ve gone completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much.

    No, I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable.

    But this pain is so intense because we had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.

    Of course there are somethings I’d like to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school. Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night contests. I would love to have been there for every one.

    And I missed most of his weekend camping trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for.

    But we still had a lot of fun together. He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.

    I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved – person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of that.

    So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a hard thing. It takes work.

    About a year before Richard’s death, an employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?”

    I told her I thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.

    I now live that pain. I know the answer.

    Yes I’d gladly have him again.

    He was worth it.

  • Strange Dream

    Strange Dream

    I haven’t had a dream since Richard died. At least not one I remembered.

    Until last night.

    In my dream I was checking out Facebook.

    And Facebook said, “Richard Mudd commented on…”

    A couple of times.

    Don’t remember whose Facebook posts he commented on. Not sure I even recognized the names.  Seeing Richard making comments sort of shocked me, you know?

    The dream went away before I could read the comments. So I don’t know what he said.

    Strange.

    Does this mean anything? If so what?

    I don’t know.

    I’m still waiting for Richard to accept my Facebook friend request.

    If he can leave comments, surely he can do that.

  • Can You Dream Again?

    Can You Dream Again?

    After Richard’s death Paula Fangman from our church gave us a copy of Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. Paula found this book helpful after her husband passed away.

    It contains some inspiring quotes and a short reading for each day of the year.

    The entry for October 23 caught my attention. I hope they don’t mind if I steal it here:

    “Why not” is a slogan for an interesting life. – Mason Cooley

    At first our energy is absorbed in doing the necessary things — making arrangements, speaking with those who come to console us. After the immediate hubbub is over, we are probably exhausted. Then, when some strength to do “optional things” begins to come back, we probably return to our conventional patterns and activites, glad for the security of “the usual.”

    But our life has changed now, with the event of this loss. Perhaps it is time to take the energy we poured into that relationship (and often there was a lot of physical care) and turn to some new thing. Think of it. Let your imagination wander; poke around in the attic of your mind, where you’ve stashed away some dreams. What New Thing might you want to try?

    Do you dare? Why not? Think of your loved one as blessing your effort, smiling through the veil that separates life from death, cheering you on — “Go ahead. Give it a try. I dare you. You know I’d love to have you succeed. And you may. This is the time!”

    I will appropriate my loved one’s courage, and blessing, and dare a New Thing.

    Since Richard’s death I’ve felt a great sense of being lost. Not knowing what my life is about anymore.

    Maybe finding something new would be a step out of that lost feeling.

    I’ve spent more than 30 years working in manufacturing. I think that’s about long enough. So for me, the “New Thing” will be a business of my own. I’ve studied marketing and using the Internet for business for a long time. I’ve helped some local business people take their business online. But mostly I’ve just dreamed about it. Maybe it’s time to do it for real.

    Being a scatter brain by nature and having the 24 hour Richard channel playing in my head all the time, I find it hard to concentrate. So it will be a struggle.

    Maybe you don’t want to start a business.

    Perhaps you’d like to learn a new language. Or take up photography. Or learn to play a musical instrument. Perhaps paint some pictures or write that book.

    What ever your “New Thing” is, maybe after the pain becomes less intense, you will  go for it.

    It can’t hurt.