Grieving Parent

Tag: Comforting Thoughts

  • Purple Martin Air Force

    Purple Martin Air Force

    Squadron Leader: “Attack Group 1 – “Red alert! I repeat, red alert! Form up on my tail, we’re making a frontal assault”

    Purple Wing One: “Roger Squadron Leader. Purple Wing One forming on the right.”

    Purple Wing Two: “Purple Wing Two forming on your left wing, over.”

    Squadron Leader: “Attack Group 2 – form up on Purple Leader and attack from the rear. Come in low, then swoop high at ear level. Use caution around the grass discharge – it can wash you out.”

    Purple Leader: “Ready for the rear attack Squadron Leader.”

    Squadron Leader: “On my mark… Attack!”

    This little scene has been playing out in my yard every time I mow grass this summer.

    I’ve been mowing the lawn here for nearly three decades now, and I never saw a purple martin before last year.

    Last summer they would come out and attack me as I mowed down the hill in back of our house.

    This year they’re everywhere. They still patrol out along the backyard, but they now also show up around the garden and out in the front by the old garage.

    They do aerial maneuvers around me, often as many as 10 zipping past, in front and over me as I ride the lawn mower. They put on quite a show.

    Sometimes there will be two or three flying in tight formation across my path, like the air show for Thunder Over Louisville. Or they might come right at me, pulling up at the last second, flashing that yellow underbelly in my face. They do crisscross flights all around me. One came right past my left ear the other day.

    I have no idea where they came from – there are no martin houses anywhere close. They just showed up last summer.

    I’m sure many would see this as a sign. Richard using these birds to say hi.

    It could be. I don’t know. I’m not too good with this sign business. I think you need to have a strong connection to your right brain, the half that does all the artsy and emotional processing, to really grasp signs from the spirit world.

    I sort of pushed that side of my brain into the back closet when I decided I was going to be an engineer. I only need that logical left side to do that stuff.

    So I have no way of knowing if the purple martins are Richard saying “Hi dad.”

    It’s a nice thought.

    And the martins are entertaining.

  • Final Four

    Final Four

    The NCAA men’s basketball tournament will always bring back memories of Richard.

    The early rounds are played all over the country. There are a lot of games. The last games of each round get late starts, so it’s not unusual for one or two to still be in action when I get home from work after midnight.

    Debbie and Sarah would be in bed. The only light in the house would be coming from the TV set. And there in front of the set, Richard would be sitting cross-legged on the floor, with his NCAA brackets beside him. I think he watched every game. He’d make updates to his brackets as each game ended.

    We’d watch the remaining games together and he’d update me on what I’d missed.

    UK Returns to the Final Four

    My favorite team is the University of Kentucky Wildcats. Richard always claimed to be a University of Louisville fan, or Loserville as we like to call them around here. They are UK’s only in-state rival. Richard said he was a UL fan, but he always paid more attention to the Cats than the Cards. He liked to aggravate his uncle Stuart and his grandpa – and his dad. So he claimed to be a big fan of our rival. We had a lot of fun debating about our teams.

    But I always knew he was a secret UK fan.

    UK has always been a basketball power. The Cats have won more games than any other team in college basketball. Many banners hang from the rafters of Rupp Arena – from SEC championship banners to national championship banners. .

    But the last few years have been lean for the Wildcats. Making the Final Four, the measure of success in college basketball, has evaded them for more than a decade.

    This year looked like another of those seasons with no Final Four appearance for UK. They couldn’t win anything away from home. But as the end of the season wound down, this team began to win those close games they lost earlier in the year. Even though they got the hardest draw of any of the upper seeds in the tournament, they kept on winning. They beat Ohio State, the team all the analysts pegged as the best of the best.

    And they made it to the Final Four.

    I was starting to think there might be some help from above, you know what I mean?

    The Final Four games were played in Houston, TX this year.

    Sarah’s message.

    After the end of Kentucky’s game with North Carolina, where UK earned a spot in the final four, I got a call from Sarah.

    “Hey dad, want to come down to Texas and go to the Final Four? It would be a good daddy-daughter bonding experience.”

    She lives in Texas. “You wouldn’t even have to get a hotel room. You could stay in my apartment and we could drive to Houston.”

    I told her, “I’ll think about it.”

    I went online and started checking on plane tickets. Wow! There were only a few flights left, and round trip would be more than $700. Plus the price for game tickets. And in no time those few remaining flights filled up.

    There were some packages being offered locally  – air fare, hotel and tickets. The very cheapest I heard about was $1600 each. Most were over $2000.

    Way too much money to spend for a weekend’s entertainment.

    What Would You Pay?

    Yeah, that was a bunch of money.

    But what if somehow Richard could come back and go to those games with me. What would I pay for that?

    What would you pay for another weekend with your dead kid?

    $2000 would be cheap. My savings account would be sucking air in a flash.

    I’d pay that money, and more, to get that chance.

    Shouldn’t the Living Be As Valuable As the Dead?

    And the idea hit me.

    Isn’t Sarah as important to me as Richard was? Shouldn’t I place as much value on time with her – time I can actually have?

    The answer to those questions is… Yes!

    I love my daughter. Yes, I also loved Richard, and I miss him every single day. But he’s gone.

    So shouldn’t we all place our value on loving those people that are still riding this planet with us? Value every moment we can with them?

    I think so.

    We’ve been shown -in the clearest terms possible – there is no guarantee of anything beyond the present. Maybe that’s a gift, even though it’s a really hard lesson to learn.

    Life IS For the Living

    We’re still here. We still have to live this life we have.

    So I decided to spend that money and make that trip. To have that daddy-daughter bonding moment.

    But my employer said no. I couldn’t get off work. We have to live this life, and we still have to deal with the limitations put before us.

    But I plan to direct my energy more toward living THIS life.

    I’ll always miss my kid. That will never change. I loved having him here, and being his dad. There will be a hole in my soul from now on.

    I can’t change that.

    But we all need to learn the lessons this has taught us about living and loving now.

  • Church On TV and A Marathon

    Church On TV and A Marathon

    It was the Sunday before the SuperBowl. This was a Sunday with no football. Yeah, there was the Pro Bowl but come on, really, that’s not football. I didn’t want to watch that. What to do?

    The USA Network came to the rescue. They ran a 12 hour NCIS marathon. Starting with the very first episode, one I was sure I’d never seen, at 11 AM and running till 11 PM.

    Debbie and I watched the entire thing from start to finish.

    We decided we didn’t want to go out and deal with anyone that day. We just wanted to hunker down together and not face the world.

    The Archdiocese of Louisville has Mass On The Air every Sunday at 10:30 AM. We decided to go to church on TV.

    This turned out to be much like going to church at church. Mass On The Air has a rotating cast of characters; the priest, deacon, choir and participants from several local churches tape the shows ahead of time for airing on Sunday mornings. They usually tape two Masses back-to-back on Wednesday evening. As luck would have it our priest and parishioners were the ones on TV this particular Sunday.

    So we watched Mass on TV with Father Bill. My little sister Ann was even singing in the choir.

    At the end of the televised Mass we switched to the NCIS marathon on USA.

    I’m not sure why we still watch this show. Autopsies are a regular part of the show. It gets a bit, shall we say… uncomfortable, watching these scenes. I can’t help thinking, “They did that to my kid.” I don’t like the thought. But still we watch the show every week and we usually have on any marathons that get aired on the weekend.

    I think the show brings back nice memories for Debbie. While Richard was still in high school and living at home, they used to watch NCIS together.

    So we just spent the day… all of the day… sitting together on the couch watching TV.

    The truth is I’d like to spend every day like that. It’s really tiring going out into the world, putting on the game face and acting like the world isn’t spinning off it’s axis.

    It was a nice day.

  • Let’s Just Get To The Bottom Of This Hill

    Let’s Just Get To The Bottom Of This Hill

    I read many blogs that deal with Internet Marketing.  I find the subject interesting. One of my favorites is a blog called Psychotactics by Sean D’Sousa.

    In his latest newsletter Sean wasn’t talking to grieving parents, but he could have been.

    Imagine thirty thousand menacing obstacles in your path to success.
    You’re dehydrated. Hungry as hell. And wobbling like an Irishman on
    too much Guinness. Your eyes hurt, your head throbs and your will
    is all but broken. You’re not even sure you want to go on.

    Isn’t that how you’ve felt?

    I’ve heard so many parents that have lost a child say they no longer want to go on… don’t want to live anymore. In those dark days after our kids died we just can’t see any way we can deal with it.

    As in the character Frodo, in the final episode of the ‘Lord of the
    Rings-The Return of the King.’

    Terror and dismay gleam from Frodo’s big, expressive blue eyes. In
    the distance, he can see his goal. But it seems to him like he’ll
    never get there. He turns to Sam and says in a defeated tone, “Sam,
    it’s the Eye,” referring to the eye of Sauron – the enemy he must
    destroy.

    And Sam turns to Frodo in a soft, encouraging voice and says,
    “Let’s just get to the bottom of this hill, Mr.Frodo.”

    And that’s how it is.

    Just get to the bottom of this hill. Just face this day. Take one step at a time.

    Slowly, ever so slowly, you get above the fog. The darkness lets in some light. The pain becomes less intense.

    The journey isn’t an easy one. The monsters and obstacles will always be there. Face them as they come. One at a time. Take the next step.

    Just get to the bottom of this hill.

  • Watching Football

    Watching Football

    Football season was always one of my favorite times with Richard – at least during his more adult years.

    While he lived in Lexington he came to most of our pre-game tailgate parties at Commonwealth stadium, when we went to UK games. He didn’t miss much free food. He also liked to come and “discuss” the game.

    We discussed and debated a lot of games. OK, we argued about some of them. But it was always in good fun for us both.

    But anyway, we watched a lot of games together on TV. College games. NFL games. Lot’s of football.

    His room is decorated in a Miami Dolphins theme. He had a Dan Marino bobble-head.

    So this year to celebrate the new season I brought down Richard’s TV set and replaced ours with his. He had a very nice big screen LCD HDTV. According to his cousins – former roommates – Richard was very proud of his TV. It’s much bigger than our little 32″ LCD model. It’s been setting up in his room with all the stacks of his other stuff we brought back from his apartment.

    So now I watch football on Richard’s TV. I’m sure he’s pleased about that. He tried to get us to buy one like it when we got our little set.

    I guess using his TV gives me a little piece of him. A very little piece of him.

    But grieving parents have to take what we can get.