Grieving Parent

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  • Two Years

    Two Years

    It’s now May 23rd… two years from the day Richard died.

    Yeah, I know the “official” date is the 28th of May. But that wasn’t when he died, it’s when they found him in his apartment. In my heart I know he died on this day.

    We were at the farm that day. I remember sitting on the porch that evening looking up at the stars, and I was thinking of Richard. I looked out into the heavens and thought, “I hope you’re alright.” I had an uneasy feeling. Somehow I knew, though I wouldn’t understand that feeling for several more days.

    The intensity of the pain is just breath taking – even two years out.

    I miss you kid.

    This is one of your mom’s favorite pictures of you, so I put it up here today.

    Even with that damned Louisville hat on your head.

  • Grief Gut

    Grief Gut

    Let’s get one thing clear right at the start… that isn’t a picture 0f me.

    Most of the images used on this site came from my camera. But not that one. I bought that one. And I’ve never eaten more than half a pie at one time.

    Oh, and another thing. Debbie tells me she’s gained weight since Richard’s death too. I’ve never noticed. Nope. She still looks just the same to me. Being the sweet lady she is, I think she was just trying to make me feel better, because….

    I’ve gained weight since Richard died.

    Since my first days in college at the University of Kentucky, I’ve had trouble staying thin. My meal plan at the cafeteria let me have one helping of the main entre, and as much of everything else as I wanted. They had good french fries. I think I had about ten plates full a day. Loved those fries.

    I was also much less involved in sports. Not being on a team anymore, I no longer had a mandated training schedule.

    So I got fat.

    But a couple of years before Richard died I lost weight. They had a “Greatest Loser” contest at work, and I signed up.

    Losing the weight turned out to be pretty easy for me. I just changed the way I ate. What I call, “Eat Less, More Often.” Smaller meals but more of them. Healthy snacks like raw fruit and vegetables.

    And I kept the weight off after the contest ended. It was easy. So easy, I gave away all the clothes I had shrunk out of. I wasn’t looking back.

    And then the world turned upside down.

    Jon Gabriel is author of The Gabriel Method – The Revolutionary Diet-Free Way to Totally Transform Your Body. He’s a really smart guy, and he’s put a great deal of energy and research into finding a way to lose weight. He did it because he was huge, and probably not going to be around long if he didn’t shed some pounds. He lost over 220 pounds. That’s more than I weighed when Richard died.

    Gabriel attributes weight gain to mindset, mostly a response to stress.

    Having one of your children die causes stress. LOTS of stress.

    When I feel stress I like to nibble constantly. I’m always snacking. And when I’m stressed out, I can tell you, I don’t look for carrot sticks. I want something fast and easy. Something salty like chips. Or chocolate. Ice cream is nice too.

    I don’t do that so much now. I’ve tried to get back to eating like before. But so far I’m not getting the results I want.

    According to Gabriel, when our bodies react to stress, we store fat like crazy. Some primal force within us makes our metabolism slow down, and all the fat storage chemicals ramp up. Weight gain is a really stupid self defense strategy, but it’s what our bodies do.

    Most grieving parents probably don’t get a closet full of clothes when they lose their child. I did. I was wearing the same size clothes as Richard, so I inherited all his stuff. I wear  them often. Maybe gaining weight is my hearts way of telling me that it’s just wrong I have those clothes now and not him. Could my body be trying to force me out of his clothes in the hope he’ll come back and claim them?

    I’d be glad to eat a whole pie, with a carton of ice cream on top every day if that would work to bring him back.

  • Richards Tree

    Richards Tree

    We’ve seen a lot of ideas for creating memorials since we began this journey of dealing with Richards death. We’ve received many as gifts from people that cared about Richard and us.

    We get reminded of one every time we go to our church.  Last year a dogwood tree was planted on the church campus in memory of Richard.

    Right now that tree is bloomed out and beautiful. It’s still a small tree, but it’s showing off right now.

    Richard's dogwood showing off.
    Richard’s dogwood showing off.

    I appreciate this remembrance of our son. There is comfort in this enduring tribute. Knowing year after year this tree will decorate our little corner of the world with its flowery display. As it calls attention to itself, it will also remind all that see it of Richard’s existence on the earth.

    Memorial plaque for Richard.
    This memorial plaque is at the base of the tree.

    I can imagine many years from now, when we are gone too, people coming to church in the spring will come over to admire the beautiful dogwood blossoms.

    They’ll see the plaque and say, “Who was Richard Mudd?”

    He’ll be the mystery man.

    They’ll probably think he was a big donor to the church. Figure him for a big money, high roller kind of guy. Well, maybe he would have been someday.

    But they’ll have something to think about, and Richard will be remembered for many years – even by people that will never know him.

    If your looking for a lasting memorial as a tribute to a lost loved one, or as a gift to the bereaved, you should consider a nice flowering tree.

  • Final Four

    Final Four

    The NCAA men’s basketball tournament will always bring back memories of Richard.

    The early rounds are played all over the country. There are a lot of games. The last games of each round get late starts, so it’s not unusual for one or two to still be in action when I get home from work after midnight.

    Debbie and Sarah would be in bed. The only light in the house would be coming from the TV set. And there in front of the set, Richard would be sitting cross-legged on the floor, with his NCAA brackets beside him. I think he watched every game. He’d make updates to his brackets as each game ended.

    We’d watch the remaining games together and he’d update me on what I’d missed.

    UK Returns to the Final Four

    My favorite team is the University of Kentucky Wildcats. Richard always claimed to be a University of Louisville fan, or Loserville as we like to call them around here. They are UK’s only in-state rival. Richard said he was a UL fan, but he always paid more attention to the Cats than the Cards. He liked to aggravate his uncle Stuart and his grandpa – and his dad. So he claimed to be a big fan of our rival. We had a lot of fun debating about our teams.

    But I always knew he was a secret UK fan.

    UK has always been a basketball power. The Cats have won more games than any other team in college basketball. Many banners hang from the rafters of Rupp Arena – from SEC championship banners to national championship banners. .

    But the last few years have been lean for the Wildcats. Making the Final Four, the measure of success in college basketball, has evaded them for more than a decade.

    This year looked like another of those seasons with no Final Four appearance for UK. They couldn’t win anything away from home. But as the end of the season wound down, this team began to win those close games they lost earlier in the year. Even though they got the hardest draw of any of the upper seeds in the tournament, they kept on winning. They beat Ohio State, the team all the analysts pegged as the best of the best.

    And they made it to the Final Four.

    I was starting to think there might be some help from above, you know what I mean?

    The Final Four games were played in Houston, TX this year.

    Sarah’s message.

    After the end of Kentucky’s game with North Carolina, where UK earned a spot in the final four, I got a call from Sarah.

    “Hey dad, want to come down to Texas and go to the Final Four? It would be a good daddy-daughter bonding experience.”

    She lives in Texas. “You wouldn’t even have to get a hotel room. You could stay in my apartment and we could drive to Houston.”

    I told her, “I’ll think about it.”

    I went online and started checking on plane tickets. Wow! There were only a few flights left, and round trip would be more than $700. Plus the price for game tickets. And in no time those few remaining flights filled up.

    There were some packages being offered locally  – air fare, hotel and tickets. The very cheapest I heard about was $1600 each. Most were over $2000.

    Way too much money to spend for a weekend’s entertainment.

    What Would You Pay?

    Yeah, that was a bunch of money.

    But what if somehow Richard could come back and go to those games with me. What would I pay for that?

    What would you pay for another weekend with your dead kid?

    $2000 would be cheap. My savings account would be sucking air in a flash.

    I’d pay that money, and more, to get that chance.

    Shouldn’t the Living Be As Valuable As the Dead?

    And the idea hit me.

    Isn’t Sarah as important to me as Richard was? Shouldn’t I place as much value on time with her – time I can actually have?

    The answer to those questions is… Yes!

    I love my daughter. Yes, I also loved Richard, and I miss him every single day. But he’s gone.

    So shouldn’t we all place our value on loving those people that are still riding this planet with us? Value every moment we can with them?

    I think so.

    We’ve been shown -in the clearest terms possible – there is no guarantee of anything beyond the present. Maybe that’s a gift, even though it’s a really hard lesson to learn.

    Life IS For the Living

    We’re still here. We still have to live this life we have.

    So I decided to spend that money and make that trip. To have that daddy-daughter bonding moment.

    But my employer said no. I couldn’t get off work. We have to live this life, and we still have to deal with the limitations put before us.

    But I plan to direct my energy more toward living THIS life.

    I’ll always miss my kid. That will never change. I loved having him here, and being his dad. There will be a hole in my soul from now on.

    I can’t change that.

    But we all need to learn the lessons this has taught us about living and loving now.

  • Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love

    Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love

    We just attended our second TCF Frankfort KY Regional Conference, titled “Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love.” This conference was scheduled for Friday and Saturday at the Capital Plaza Hotel in Frankfort, KY.

    The Best Plans of Mice and Grieving Parents

    We only live 30 minutes from the conference site, but we planned to spend the night at the hotel on Friday. It’s just more relaxing and simpler to just walk down the stairs from our room to the Saturday morning breakfast, rather than getting up early enough to drive in from home. We also get a chance to meet more people attending.

    But we have once again been reminded we aren’t in charge of life.

    My uncle Nick died a week before the conference. The funeral mass was to be on the Saturday morning of the conference. Se we canceled our hotel room and only went to the Friday session.

    Are Conferences a Good Thing?

    I’m still not sure how I feel about these events.

    It’s good to be with other bereaved parents. They know what we’re going through. The folks that have been missing their children for many years and have found a way to rebuild their lives are inspiration. Getting a chance to share experiences and feelings with others in the same boat helps us see we’re not alone, and the things we feel don’t mean we’re crazy.

    But I wonder if going through these events makes us just keep remembering the pain and hold on to it longer. Is it healthy to keep reminding ourselves of how unhappy we are? I’m not sure. I’m leaning toward the benefits are bigger than the risks.

    I also think we need to be there to help other, newer grieving parents if we can.

    The Sessions

    Our Friday session began with a welcome from our chapter leader, Dusty Rhodes. We then had a nice talk by Pat Loder, the current Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends. After a short break we had our first workshop session.

    I went to “The Workplace and Grieving” workshop. The main take-away from this session was employers have no idea how to deal with bereaved parents. I understand this. We’re all different. Employers can’t have a nice step-by-step management plan, so the current plan seems to be just ignore the issue.  They also have no idea how long this problem takes for us to deal with and regain our balance. They don’t like problems that last for years. Newsflash for you – we don’t either.

    The next workshop session didn’t have anything that really jumped out at me, so I picked “Impact of Stillborn & Infant Death.” I chose that because I have a friend and former coworker that had a miscarriage. I wanted to learn more about the issues people like her face. I don’t think our society does a good job of supporting parents in this situation. It was interesting to listen to the other couples there.

    The Slideshow

    Dinner followed the two workshop sessions. We had a speaker during dinner, a former TCF Executive Director whose name I didn’t write down. He gave a good talk. He was a pinch hitter for Gen. Mark Graham who was scheduled to give the dinner time presentation, but military duties called him away. The general made a video for us and we watched that.

    A short session of music followed, featuring Alan Pedersen, P. Taylor Reed and Mitch Carmody.

    Next was the slideshow where slides of our children were shown on two large screens. There were many infants and small children, but it seemed that most of the slides pictured teens and young adults, like Richard. So many bright, beautiful young lives gone too soon.

    Unlike last year I hadn’t heard many sobs or seen many tears in the early sessions, but this changed with the slide show. It’s just so hard to see your kid up there.  My eyes were watery and Debbie was sobbing when Richard’s smiling face hit the screen.

    Candle Lighting

    It began with a few short readings by local chapter members, including Debbie (pictured above). I don’t know how she was able to read after the emotional slideshow session. She’s one brave and strong lady.

    We each processed to the front to light our candles and say “We light this candle in memory of our son Richard Mudd” into the microphone. Of course, other parents/grandparents/siblings said the name of their lost loved one. But you knew that, didn’t you?

    Then we all held our candles up as Alan Pedersen sang.

    There is a powerful feeling in the air during these candle lighting ceremonies. It’s something you can feel. Very intense.

    We took another short break.

    Mitch Carmody was scheduled for a session called “Whispers of Love, Signs from our Children” which sounded interesting but we had to leave.

    We checked out the vendor tables when we were leaving. I think there was a celebrity at the conference. Dennis Apple had some of his books on the table for sale. I didn’t get to meet him, but someone told me they spoke to him, and his son’s picture was in the slideshow, so I think he must have been there. I recommended the book to a couple of people I saw looking at it.