Grieving Parent

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Questions with No Answers
The death of your child leaves you with a lot of questions.

There are lots of “what if” and “why didn’t I” type questions. The ones that come from that guilty feeling that you should have done something to prevent this.

But I have other questions. Questions I’ll never be able to answer.
- The day before Richard died he bought a new Bible. It was a large print version. Like us old people might need. It was on his bed. Like the typical college male that he was, Richard slept on the couch of his one room apartment and used the bed as a storage shelf. Why did he buy this Bible. He already had his Catholic Youth Bible with him. Why the large print. Was this going to be a gift?
- Richard was found face down in the middle of the room. Did he come out of the seizures long enough to get up and start across the room or did he fall asleep on the floor while watching TV?
- His computer was in hibernate mode. It says he had 4 programs running. What were they? What was he doing on the computer in those last few hour of his life?
- There were 2 huge chocolate tombstones in his room. Still in the boxes. What’s with those?
- Richard went to the local Arby’s and bought 2 large roast beef sandwiches and a large Coke. Cost nearly $13. It was probably his last meal. It was past 2am when he bought this. He ate it in his car on the way home. The empty containers were still in the car. Why was he at Arby’s at 2am? Did he just get off work? Did he get hungry and go out for a snack?
- How long did it take for Richard to die? Did he know what was happening to him or did the seizure cloud his mind enough to keep him from knowing he was helpless and dying?
- There were several dozen eggs in his refrigerator. Was he really going to eat that many eggs? The Cousins have told us many funny stories about Richard’s experimental recipes with eggs. So the answer to that question is probably yes.
10/23/2009
Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

After Richard’s funeral we wrote thank you cards like crazy.

We sent one to just about everyone that signed our guest book at the funeral home. And to all the people that sent flowers or food. We sent out several huge piles.

We tried to avoid being too generic, and put personal notes in each card. We wanted to express our real gratitude for the love and support that so many had given us.

But we had to save some for later.

I find it so hard to express my feelings to these loved ones. The people that have shared our lives. People that shared Richard’s life. That enjoyed him and loved him. People that were feeling great pain from his loss as well as we were.

And now more than 4 months after the funeral they are still unwritten.

My mother-in-law fell this weekend and broke her hip.

I figured while sitting in her hospital room would be a good time to get these done.

I wrote to three sets of aunts and uncles. A couple of these traveled a great distance to be with us. They all went together and bought us a nice granite bench to put in the cemetery. I love them all a great deal. They’ve been a big part of my life. I feel guilty for taking so long to thank them.

Then I started writing to “the cousins.” These three ladies grew up with Richard. He loved them. They loved him. I don’t know if we would have made it through the funeral process without them.

I began with Hannah. She has referred to Richard as her “cousin slash big brother.” They were close in age so they shared all the big family events. They did First Communion together. Had Confirmation together. Both were August babies, so they had many combined birthday parties. While not attending the same schools, they graduated from high school the same year, and got to share in a family celebration of their accomplishment. They were both supposed to graduate from college this year.

Richard fell behind because of the medical issues. Something about a couple of brain surgeries seemed to slow him down. He told Hannah he had the brain surgery so she could finally have a party by herself.

For most of one school year Richard shared an apartment with Hannah and Shelby. Shelby is Hannah’s little sister and another of “the cousins.”

They were very close.

As I wrote the note to Hannah I started remembering all the times they had together growing up. And how much they meant to one another. And my eyes started watering up.

It’s hard to write with tears in your eyes.

So I got 4 cards done.

10/13/2009
Quit Kissing My Ashes Review

I don’t remember how I stumbled onto this book. I guess I was looking for some hints on dealing with grief.

Certainly the thought that our son isn’t really dead is a nice one. That our physical death is just the transformation into another phase of our life.

Stop Kissing My Ashes – A Mother’s Journey Through Grief is Judy Collier’s story of finding her son Kyle’s new spiritual existence.

I’ll admit in the past I thought the idea of people communicating with the dead was, well…. nuts. I find having a dead son has caused me to be more open minded. Anyway, I bought the book.

Right off the bat she got my attention when she said,

“on a soul level I knew Kyle would not be with us for very long.”

On the night we found out about Richard’s death, Debbie and I sat together and went through pictures. While talking, we both admitted we had always felt Richard would leave us early. Neither of us had ever admitted this out loud, but we both had felt it for most of his life. I always hoped I was just being a paranoid parent.

Mrs Collier used psychic mediums to communicate with her son.

My skeptic hairs started standing up on the back of my neck. Psychics?

Because her son was always fond of animals, Mrs. Collier was told to look for signs from her son to come from animals.

So it seems like every time she saw an animal outside, it was a sign from Kyle.

I fully understand, and share, the need we parents have to find out about the souls of our parted children. But every animal that shows up in the backyard can’t be a sign from the dead. Can it?

I was telling Debbie about this one night. How it seemed that every bug and critter the author saw was a sign for the author.

There was a moth flying around the ceiling. Circling the light fixture, like moths do.

I asked Debbie, “Do you think that moth is a sign from Richard?”

“No,” was her reply.

Just then the moth flew down and landed on Debbie’s shoulder. It walked up to her shoulder and almost looked like it was trying to kiss her on the neck. It then flew down and landed on her finger. It walked around a bit then turned to face her and just sat there looking up at her. It stayed there a couple of minutes then flew off.

A sign from Richard? I don’t think so, but still….. kind of weird.

Butterfly are often used as a symbol of the spirit life.

The other night Debbie was outside fixing a couple of pork chops on the grill.

She hollered, “Come out here and look at this!”

Up in a tree in our backyard were butterflies. Hundred of butterflies. Maybe thousands.

They were covering several branches of the tree. Like orange leaves with spots.

A sign from Richard? I doubt it, but still we’ve never seen anything like it around here before.

I told Richard, ” Bugs and critters won’t cut it kid. If you want to get in touch with us, you need to come talk to us in person.”

Kyle never communicated directly to his parents. Typical young male. But from the stories in the book, it sounds like he talked to just about everyone else he had known in life.

And then there were the “readings.”

The author did a lot of these, where her son communicated with her through a medium.

I’ve never understood the need for a third party. If those in the spirit world want to talk to us, why not do it directly. Why use a middleman?

I’ve read about the tricks that psychics use. How they or their staff listen for clues. How they ask open ended questions that draw you in and get you to reveal more information. They get you to fill in the blanks but make it look like your lost love one is giving the answers.

A lot of the things Mrs. Collier tells about could fall into that category.

But still there are some things that seem to break the mold.

The title of the book is one such story.

During a reading she was told, “Kyle says tell mom to quit kissing my ashes. I’m not in there.”

Her son’s ashes were in an urn kept on the mantle. Every night she would kiss the urn to tell Kyle goodnight.

Can’t think of a way anyone would know that if she didn’t tell them.

She tells many very compelling stories.

Like probably all parents that have lost a child, I want to believe the stories are true.

It is sincerely written, and yes, convincing.

My mind is still open to the possibilities.

But Richard, if you’re reading this, no mediums allowed. Come talk to me.

Quit Kissing My Ashes: A Mother’s Journey Through Grief

10/09/2009
Farewell Letter

The day before Richard’s funeral we had a visitation at the funeral home.

I wrote a letter to our guests. We framed it and displayed it next to the guest book along with a picture of Richard.

Many people asked me for a copy of that letter. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why.

But I’m posting the letter here:

Dear Family and Friends,

Yes, this is the saddest time we’ve ever known. Our hearts are broken. You will no doubt see us cry. We find the strangest little things can get the tears flowing – like a piece of country ham from Carriss’ Grocery.

But we are not here to mourn.

Since learning of Richard’s death on Thursday night we have spent many hours going through pictures. In all the albums and boxes of pictures, it is hard to find images of Richard without a smile – his first haircut being a rare exception.

There is a country song with the lyrics, “I wanta keep running, till the sands run out.” That was Richard’s life. As an infant he would often run and laugh in his sleep – those fat little legs just going like crazy. He never stopped until the end.

Richard grabbed the joy from life and shared it with the rest of us. He loved to laugh and smile and experience life. And if he found us taking ourselves or life too seriously, he would tease and laugh at us and keep us straight.

We can no longer show you our beautiful son. We have gathered a few of the things he loved and was proud of to share with you. And the pictures. We hope his smile will bring you the same joy it has brought us. The joy it will bring us until we join him when our sands run out.

The pain is so intense because the joy was so large.

Over the past three years Richard faced many heavy blows. He never changed. His smile never faded. In the end his illness conquered his body. But his spirit was never dented.

So please help us celebrate Richard’s life. He packed a lot into 22 years. While much too short it was…

A life well lived.

Remembering the joy,
Joe and Debbie Mudd

10/08/2009
Butterflies

It is fall. A nice time to be outside.

Debbie was in the backyard cooking our supper on the grill. Grilling may be the husband’s job in most households but we like the food to be edible when it’s done, so Debbie usually handles this chore. I was riding around on my lawnmower.

Debbie motioned for me.

I went over to the grill. She pointed up at the tree behind her, the one she was facing while doing her cooking.

There were butterflies all over it. Hundreds of them. They were flying all around that tree. We didn’t see them anywhere else, just that tree in front of Debbie.

We’ve never seen this happen before.

A lot of people and bereaved parent support groups use butterflies as symbols. They represent the idea of leaving the old body behind and being reborn into the spirit world.

Could these butterflies have been a sign from Richard?

I don’t know. Until recent events, I’ve never thought about this stuff.

I know we’ve never seen a big invasion of butterflies before. We didn’t see them anywhere but right there on that tree in front of us. Like they were giving us a show, or sending us a message.

As the sun set they covered that tree.

In the morning they were gone.

A sign?

10/04/2009