Grieving Parent

Blog

  • I Just Want To Scream!

    I Just Want To Scream!

    There have been times since Richard died that I want to scream. Very loudly, at the top of my lungs. In anger.

    Yesterday at work was one of those times.

    We are going through our annual process of signing up for benefits for next year. During this period they have various insurance and health care service providers conduct little “benefit fairs” at various locations in the plant. They answer questions, pass out literature and maybe give away junk like tote bags, pens, tire gauges and other promotional materials.

    One of the guys came back from one of these with some brochures from a mail-order prescription provider. One of the brochures was about how great generic drugs are. It had a nice little graphic of two identical apples. The apple on the left was the expensive name brand drug. The apple on the right was the wonderful generic medicine. The text explained that the two are exactly the same. The only difference is the price.

    That is a TOTAL LIE!

    And I have Richard’s grave to prove it.

    Yes, generics are cheaper and save money. Yes they are a safe and effective alternative in most cases. But they are NOT exactly the same as the name brand medicine they replace. And it is very irresponsible of the medical community to keep putting out that myth.

    No one should have to learn the truth from the medical examiner.

    I’m trying hard to not become a bitter old man because of this. But the medical profession isn’t making that easy.

  • Strange Dream

    Strange Dream

    I haven’t had a dream since Richard died. At least not one I remembered.

    Until last night.

    In my dream I was checking out Facebook.

    And Facebook said, “Richard Mudd commented on…”

    A couple of times.

    Don’t remember whose Facebook posts he commented on. Not sure I even recognized the names.  Seeing Richard making comments sort of shocked me, you know?

    The dream went away before I could read the comments. So I don’t know what he said.

    Strange.

    Does this mean anything? If so what?

    I don’t know.

    I’m still waiting for Richard to accept my Facebook friend request.

    If he can leave comments, surely he can do that.

  • Can You Dream Again?

    Can You Dream Again?

    After Richard’s death Paula Fangman from our church gave us a copy of Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. Paula found this book helpful after her husband passed away.

    It contains some inspiring quotes and a short reading for each day of the year.

    The entry for October 23 caught my attention. I hope they don’t mind if I steal it here:

    “Why not” is a slogan for an interesting life. – Mason Cooley

    At first our energy is absorbed in doing the necessary things — making arrangements, speaking with those who come to console us. After the immediate hubbub is over, we are probably exhausted. Then, when some strength to do “optional things” begins to come back, we probably return to our conventional patterns and activites, glad for the security of “the usual.”

    But our life has changed now, with the event of this loss. Perhaps it is time to take the energy we poured into that relationship (and often there was a lot of physical care) and turn to some new thing. Think of it. Let your imagination wander; poke around in the attic of your mind, where you’ve stashed away some dreams. What New Thing might you want to try?

    Do you dare? Why not? Think of your loved one as blessing your effort, smiling through the veil that separates life from death, cheering you on — “Go ahead. Give it a try. I dare you. You know I’d love to have you succeed. And you may. This is the time!”

    I will appropriate my loved one’s courage, and blessing, and dare a New Thing.

    Since Richard’s death I’ve felt a great sense of being lost. Not knowing what my life is about anymore.

    Maybe finding something new would be a step out of that lost feeling.

    I’ve spent more than 30 years working in manufacturing. I think that’s about long enough. So for me, the “New Thing” will be a business of my own. I’ve studied marketing and using the Internet for business for a long time. I’ve helped some local business people take their business online. But mostly I’ve just dreamed about it. Maybe it’s time to do it for real.

    Being a scatter brain by nature and having the 24 hour Richard channel playing in my head all the time, I find it hard to concentrate. So it will be a struggle.

    Maybe you don’t want to start a business.

    Perhaps you’d like to learn a new language. Or take up photography. Or learn to play a musical instrument. Perhaps paint some pictures or write that book.

    What ever your “New Thing” is, maybe after the pain becomes less intense, you will  go for it.

    It can’t hurt.

  • A Final Accounting

    A Final Accounting

    As the court appointed administrator for Richard’s estate I have to provide the court an inventory of his estate.

    First off, it strikes me as funny the very notion of Richard having an estate. When I think of estates, I think about houses, farms, money, cars. Richard did have a small mutual fund account. And because the summer session at his college had just started when he died, the school refunded the tuition. While I paid the tuition, Richard was legally an adult, so they issued the check to him. So that also became part of his estate.

    But mostly he had credit card bills.

    It’s sad taking inventory of your child’s stuff. And placing a small dollar value on it. When really that stuff has a great value in memories and dreams. No dollar amount can replace that.

    But I took my accounting to my lawyer and signed the proper forms.

  • Happiness by the Books

    Happiness by the Books

    As grieving parents we tend to notice – even concentrate – on one thing ; our grief.

    That’s something we can’t avoid for a long time after our child has passed away. It just keeps jumping up and smacking us in the face.

    But at some point we all need to find a way out of that hole. We need to seek happiness.

    I’ll be the first to admit I have no idea what that looks like now. I know it will take a completely different form than we’ve known in the past. I’m not sure how to get there from here.

    On her Abundance Blog, Marelisa Fábrega has posted a list of books about happiness.  27 books in fact.

    Maybe this list will provide a place to begin the search for our new happiness.