Grieving Parent

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  • Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery

    Sunday afternoon we did a little Christmas decorating at the cemetery.

    There have already been many wreaths showing up. Debbie decided she wanted Richards grave to look different. So she bought a couple of small live trees. She put in a few ornaments and red bows.

    Richard always insisted on cranberry sauce for Christmas. Not the store bought kind, that stuff that looks like it came out of a tin can jello mold. Nope. It had to be the real thing.

    So every year Debbie bought cranberries and cooked them on the stove with sugar. This was a time consuming job requiring lots of stirring. Richard helped. Some.

    So Debbie got cranberries and made strings of berries with them. We placed them on the trees.

    We took these potted trees to the cemetery. I dug them in deep enough the wind shouldn’t be able to turn them over. We put one at Richard’s grave and one at my mom’s grave, which is located behind Richard.

    After Christmas we’ll take them out and plant them somewhere.

  • A Christmas Letter to God

    A Christmas Letter to God

    Dear God,

    I hope this letter finds you well. How are things in heaven? I hope all is going well. I guess they’d have to be pretty good, or they wouldn’t call it heaven would they?

    Down here on earth they say you are all knowing and all powerful. That you never screw up. In fact they say you’re infallible, because, well you’re God and all that.

    But there’s another thing they say a lot down here, “There’s a first time for everything.”

    I think you’ve made your first screw up.  I mean, can we talk?

    It’s about this grieving parent gig you’ve set up for us.

    I’ve been trying real hard for better than six months now, but I have to tell you God, this just isn’t working out. I’m just not cut out for this line of work. And I don’t think Debbie is either.

    You know how she is about Christmas. Heck, you’ve seen her through the years. You know how she always turns on the Christmas tree lights every night. It’s part of her daily routine during the Christmas season.

    Well I don’t have to tell you God, but we put the tree up at Thanksgiving; while Sarah was here. And the lights were turned on that couple of days she was with us. But now that Sarah is back in Texas, do you know that Debbie hasn’t plugged in the lights once? You know that just isn’t like her at all.

    And I’ve been trying to use the tools you gave me to handle this job. Sarah, that incredible, beautiful daughter you sent us, is really into positive psychology. She sent me a book called Strengths Quest that included a big test that let me discover my five core strengths. It kind of unlocks the way you made my brain function so I can use it better.

    According to the test results my core strengths are Learner, Intellection, Belief, Achiever and Analytical.

    Well I’ve been trying hard to learn the ropes here. I’ve got this big pile of books. One’s about grief. Others about life after death. I have to tell you God, that Learner strength has sure cost me a lot of money in books and courses down through my lifetime. But anyway, I’ve been trying to learn all about this grieving parent thing.

    And that Intellection strength – you know the one that says I like to think about stuff and work on problems? Well I’ve really kicked that into high gear. I don’t think about much of anything else but this grieving parent job and Richard. It’s like I have this 24/7 Grief TV cable channel wired directly into my head. It plays all the time. I try to turn the sound down sometime so I can think about something else, you know like the job I get paid to do or talking to someone, but I can’t ever seem to turn it off. It’s always there in the background.

    And the Analytical think is really a pain. When it kicks in, it just keeps coming up with all these “why didn’t you do this” and “you should have done that” kind of thoughts. Going back over all the things I should have done to keep this from happening to Richard. And that doesn’t seem very helpful. I mean, it’s too damn late now, you know? I just try to not let Analytical join in much.

    And Achiever is just lost. That part of my brain is looking for a goal, somewhere to aim all this mental and emotional effort. But what am I aiming for? Happiness? That went away with Richard. Can’t ever get that back. There only appears to be a hollow shell of happiness available to us now. And Achiever doesn’t find that a very exciting target to shoot for.

    And the Belief strength. It’s taken a beating here. First there is that core value of family. We just lost a big chunk of the family. I still love the parts that are left, that’s certain. But I feel like a big part of my soul is gone now.

    And of course at the top of the Belief thing is you.

    But I have to be honest with you here God, I was pretty pissed at you when you took Richard away. I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and all. I mean I know I’m just a lowly person and don’t know your master plan. And I do believe you have one and everything happens in this world for a reason – your reason. But can’t you give a bit of a clue? I mean how hard is it to send an angel down to explain this to us?

    That Clarence guy from It’s a Wonderful Life, I liked him. Send him down. Or better yet, you’ve got Farrah Fawcett up there now. I mean, she was an Angel down here on earth, so she’d be a natural. Send her down to explain. I’d like talking to her.

    Or send Richard back to talk to us about it. I’ve read in some of the books I mentioned above, that when people leave the earth and move to the spirit world, they can come back and visit. I’ve read lot’s of accounts of it. But I haven’t heard a word from our son. What’s with that?

    Anyway, I think it is very obvious that we just aren’t cut out for this grieving parent thing.

    I know it’s hard to admit a mistake. But really, what were you thinkng?

    But the good news is you’re God. You can fix it!

    So just send Richard back. No harm no foul. You don’t even have to reimburse us for the funeral expenses.

    You could really help me out of a jam if you could get this done for Christmas. It would make a great gift for Debbie and I’ve just not been able to think much about what to get her for Christmas. Don’t seem to have the emotional energy to shop for gifts this year.

    So with that I’ll close this letter. Merry Christmas.

    Sincerely,
    Joe

  • Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony

    Our First Candle Lighting Ceremony

    Tonight we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting at Frankfort, KY.

    This is a memorial service for the parents, family and friends of our lost children. We honor the memory of our child with music, poems, a slide show and a candle lighting service. This event happens in each time zone all over the world. Sort of the grieving parent version of doing the wave as candles are lit in sequence around the world.

    I went fully intending to not cry.

    Yeah, yeah… I know all about how it’s OK for men to cry – that real men cry and all that stuff. And I don’t apologize for shedding tears for Richard. I miss him tremendously. But I don’t like crying in front of a bunch of people. People I’ve never met. Even when many of them are also shedding tears.

    So I wasn’t going to cry.

    But there was one problem. The song Precious Child.

    I stumbled onto Precious Child yesterday while checking the Compassionate Friends website for info on the Candle Lighting. That song is used in the video they had on the site.

    Precious Child grabbed my heart. Hard. The lyrics are all the thoughts and feelings I’ve had for the last 6 months, but didn’t have the talent to express out loud.

    And it made the tears flow.

    So I had to find out who did that song. I searched and found the website of the artist – Karen Taylor-Good. And I downloaded the song.  And I played it. And tears streamed down. And I played it more. And cried more.

    I was sure this tune would be part of the Candle Lighting, so if I was going to avoid the public display of tears I would need to become immune to it’s powerful effect on my heart. I needed a vaccine for Precious Child.

    So I played it over and over and over. I listened to it at least 100 times. Probably more.

    I know this sounds compulsive and it probably is. But that’s how I’ve always been. I hear a song that touches me for some reason and I have to hear it over and over. Sometime for hours.

    And I listened to Precious Child. And listened.

    I like to sing along. But I could never get through singing Precious Child without getting choked up.

    And so we went to the Candle Lighting. And sure enough, it was featured during the program. But it wasn’t the recorded version by Karen Taylor-Good. It was to be performed by Kathy Casey. So maybe there was hope for me. Maybe Kathy Casey wouldn’t do such a good job, and I’d be able to control myself.

    But as soon as she opened her mouth I knew I was toast. She sang beautifully.

    And the tears welled in my eyes. And they rolled down my checks and fell into Debbie’s hair.

    And the tears flowed when Richard’s picture showed on the screen. And during the Candle Lighting part of the service.

    There were a lot of people there. And most of the pictures showed young people, like Richard. Young people that were loved and are greatly missed.

    And we are not alone. But I wish we were.

  • Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good

    Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good

    We will be attending the Worldwide Candle Lighting tomorrow.  On the web page about this event there is a video. It features the song Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good. The song grabbed me. It’s beautiful and amazing. I found a video on YouTube that just has the song – no info about the Candle Lighting.

    Warning – if you’ve lost a child, this video will make you cry. Sometime you just need to cry. Here is the perfect mood music for the occasion.

    The lyrics say it all.

    In my dreams, you are alive and well
    Precious child, precious child
    In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
    Precious child, precious child

    In my soul, there is a hole
    That can never be filled
    But in my heart, there is hope
    ‘Cause you are with me still

    In my heart, you live on
    Always there never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon
    Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
    You will live forever… in my heart

    In my plans, I was the first to leave
    Precious child, precious child
    But in this world, I was left here to grieve
    Precious child, my precious child

    In my soul, there is a hole
    That can never be filled
    But in my heart there is hope
    And you are with me still

    In my heart you live on
    Always there, never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon,
    Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
    You will live forever… in my heart

    God knows I want to hold you,
    See you, touch you
    And maybe there’s a heaven
    And someday I will again
    Please know you are not forgotten until then

    In my heart you live on
    Always there never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon
    Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart
    You will live forever… in my heart

    You can get a CD single from The Compassionate Friends website. You can download a free mp3 of the song from Karen Taylor-Good’s website.

  • Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends

    Grief Support After the Death of a Child

    “The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

    —Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

    Compassionate Friends is one of the largest support groups for bereaved parents and families.

    They offer several written resources on their website.

    They have resources for siblings and grandparents as well as for the parents of a lost child.

    They also have a weekly one hour radio show dealing with different aspects of life after the loss of a child. You can find an archive of past shows on the website that you can download as an mp3 file.

    But the biggest feature of Compassionate Friends are the local chapters.

    At your local chapter you can meet other people that have traveled this road in life. We are not alone. And only people that have experienced this grief really understand it. Sometime it helps to talk to people that have been there. People that have survived this ordeal. That can offer you hope.

    Most chapters meet once a month, but the chapter nearest us meets twice monthly.

    If you’ve lost a child Compassionate Friends should be one of the first places you go for help.

    Find Them Here:

    Website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

    Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Compassionate-FriendsUSA/90757574245