Grieving Parent

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  • Perpetual French Fries

    Perpetual French Fries

    I don’t guess this really has that much to do with grieving, but it’s sort of amazing.

    In the week before Christmas I was on vacation. Debbie wasn’t, and since she works at our church, Christmas is one of her busy seasons.

    I went in to help her one morning with some stuff to get ready for the Children’s Christmas Mass. Around lunch time I was leaving to go home, but Debbie was staying on to work some more. I went to the local McDonald’s and bought some lunch for us. I left hers with her at her office and took mine.

    It was a pretty nice day for late December, so I took mine to the cemetery. I sat at the garden bench my aunts and uncles bought for us and talked to Richard and my mom while eating lunch. I went over in front of Richard’s stone and told him, “Here have some french fries.” I tossed a few fries on the ground at his grave.

    The picture above shows one of those french fries today.

    It’s been rained on several times. It’s been covered in snow at least twice. It has been in the sun, wind and nature for a month and a half.

    It’s still there.

    Bleached out, but still there.

    Wow.

  • Tree Thieves Strike

    Tree Thieves Strike

    Christmas was always a big deal to Richard. So we put out a Christmas tree at his grave and one at my mom’s grave which is located right behind Richard’s. We used live trees, intending to plant them somewhere later.

    They were in pots. We just dug into the ground and buried them up to the rim of the pot.

    I made a trip to the cemetery today. Where once there were Christmas trees there are now holes in the ground. The picture above is where our tree once stood.

    Our cemetery has a rule against artificial decorations. They allow an exception during the Christmas season. During Christmas we are allowed to place wreathes and other artificial decorations. At the end of January the artificial decorations must be removed.

    I never thought a real live tree would fall under this rule.

    But it seems my definition of artificial is much different than the staff of the cemetery.

    Very aggravating.

  • The Dream Fades

    The Dream Fades

    They say all good things must end. And so it seems to be.

    I had a dream a few weeks ago. It gave me a great sense of peace.

    The feelings from the dream were strong, but they’re fading.

    Lately I’ve been thinking about what it was like for Richard in those last moments.

    How long did it take? I have no idea how long he could have held on when those seizures took him over. Was it just minutes or hours?

    Did he have pain? I know the other two times he went into seizure he bit his tongue enough to give him bloody foam around his mouth. Biting your tongue hurts. What other pains could he have suffered in all the struggle?

    He was on the floor in the middle of the room. Did he fall? Or did he dose off there while playing video games or watching TV?

    And the worst thought – did he know what was happening? Did he feel fear? Did he know he was helpless and dying? Did he feel his life slipping away?

    I can only hope the seizures that trapped him in an unresponsive body also kept his brain from knowing what was happening to him.

    And the roller coaster ride continues.

  • GriefNet.org

    GriefNet.org

    GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.

    GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try it before making a donation.

    I joined the group for parents that have lost an adult child.

    The best I can tell, there is no access to past emails for the group. You only get an email if a parent sends one to the group. You then get all the replies to that email by other members. Traffic has been pretty slow in this group so far. Of course I could send an email to the group. But I don’t really know what I’d say or ask. It’s easier for me to join in a conversation that’s already started.

    I would get more out of GriefNet if it was set up as forums rather than email groups. If there were forums we could go back and view past topics. Forums also let users add profile information if they feel comfortable doing so. It would help me to see something about the other people I’m sharing my life with here. With the email group all I see is a name. I just don’t feel that connected. I must admit I’m not really fond of email groups and that may affect my opinion about this. If you like email groups this may work great for you.

    GriefNet has a library of articles on their website. It isn’t specific to bereaved parents, but there is some interesting stuff there.

    They also appear to have a place for you to setup a “virtual memorial” for your child. I didn’t set one up for Richard yet and I may not because this blog sort of serves that purpose. I didn’t see anything about charges for this service, so I assume it is free.

    Visit the GriefNet.org site here:

    http://www.griefnet

  • The Grief Roller Coaster

    The Grief Roller Coaster

    Life after lossing a child has been a big roller coaster ride.

    There have been a lot of deep plunges into the unknown.

    And then there have been times the track has leveled out, maybe even climbed a small hill or two.

    But the ride continues and the path ahead is uncertain.

    Right now the track has smoothed out some. Mostly because of the dream I had of Richard. I’ve felt more at peace since having that dream than at anytime since Richard left us.

    I don’t why – because it was just a dream. But it had a big impact.

    I don’t know how long this peace will last. The roller coaster ride goes on.