Grieving Parent

Category: Grieving

  • Full of Joy?

    Full of Joy?

    The Responsorial Psalm at mass yesterday got my attention. It was:

    “The Lord has done great things for us. We are filled with joy.”

    Filled with joy?

    It’s now been five months since Richard left us.

    I’ll admit the Lord has done great things for us. And I’m grateful for them. Honest.

    And I keep trying to figure out what happiness means without Richard in our life. And that’s the problem.

    My imagination just can’t paint that picture. For 22 years just about everything that I consider a part of happiness has included Richard. He was often the primary source of that happiness. For me, happiness and family are nearly the same word. And joy is beyond happiness. A higher level of happiness maybe. And even more dependent on family.

    And now such a big part of family and joy is gone.

    So, I’m not filled with joy. Not yet. Maybe never again.

  • Questions with No Answers

    Questions with No Answers

    The death of your child leaves you with a lot of questions.

    There are lots of “what if” and “why didn’t I” type questions. The ones that come from that guilty feeling that you should have done something to prevent this.

    But I have other questions. Questions I’ll never be able to answer.

    • The day before Richard died he bought a new Bible. It was a large print version. Like us old people might need. It was on his bed. Like the typical college male that he was, Richard slept on the couch of his one room apartment and used the bed as a storage shelf. Why did he buy this Bible. He already had his Catholic Youth Bible with him. Why the large print. Was this going to be a gift?
    • Richard was found face down in the middle of the room. Did he come out of the seizures long enough to get up and start across the room or did he fall asleep on the floor while watching TV?
    • His computer was in hibernate mode. It says he had 4 programs running. What were they? What was he doing on the computer in those last few hour of his life?
    • There were 2 huge chocolate tombstones in his room. Still in the boxes. What’s with those?
    • Richard went to the local Arby’s and bought 2 large roast beef sandwiches and a large Coke. Cost nearly $13. It was probably his last meal. It was past 2am when he bought this. He ate it in his car on the way home. The empty containers were still in the car.  Why was he at Arby’s at 2am? Did he just get off work? Did he get hungry and go out for a snack?
    • How long did it take for Richard to die? Did he know what was happening to him or did the seizure cloud his mind enough to keep him from knowing he was helpless and dying?
    • There were several dozen eggs in his refrigerator. Was he really going to eat that many eggs? The Cousins have told us many funny stories about Richard’s experimental recipes with eggs. So the answer to that question is probably yes.
  • Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

    Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

    After Richard’s funeral we wrote thank you cards like crazy.

    We sent one to just about everyone that signed our guest book at the funeral home. And to all the people that sent flowers or food. We sent out several huge piles.

    We tried to avoid being too generic, and put personal notes in each card. We wanted to express our real gratitude for the love and support that so many had given us.

    But we had to save some for later.

    I find it so hard to express my feelings to these loved ones. The people that have shared our lives. People that shared Richard’s life. That enjoyed him and loved him. People that were feeling great pain from his loss as well as we were.

    And now more than 4 months after the funeral they are still unwritten.

    My mother-in-law fell this weekend and broke her hip.

    I figured while sitting in her hospital room would be a good time to get these done.

    I wrote to three sets of aunts and uncles. A couple of these traveled a great distance to be with us. They all went together and bought us a nice granite bench to put in the cemetery. I love them all a great deal. They’ve been a big part of my life. I feel guilty for taking so long to thank them.

    Then I started writing to “the cousins.” These three ladies grew up with Richard. He loved them. They loved him. I don’t know if we would have made it through the funeral process without them.

    I began with Hannah. She has referred to Richard as her “cousin slash big brother.” They were close in age so they shared all the big family events. They did First Communion together. Had Confirmation together. Both were August babies, so they had many combined birthday parties. While not attending the same schools, they graduated from high school the same year, and got to share in a family celebration of their accomplishment. They were both supposed to graduate from college this year.

    Richard fell behind because of the medical issues. Something about a couple of brain surgeries seemed to slow him down. He told Hannah he had the brain surgery so she could finally have a party by herself.

    For most of one school year Richard shared an apartment with Hannah and Shelby. Shelby is Hannah’s little sister and another of “the cousins.”

    They were very close.

    As I wrote the note to Hannah I started remembering all the times they had together growing up.  And how much they meant to one another. And my eyes started watering up.

    It’s hard to write with tears in your eyes.

    So I got 4 cards done.

  • The Four Month Report

    The Four Month Report

    It has now been 4 months since the “official” date of Richard’s death.

    Just thought I’d list a few observations about where we are in our grieving process.

    I don’t cry as much. Not openly. I cry inside just as much. I still miss my kid.

    Debbie and I go to work everyday. We’ve done this since about 3 weeks after Richard’s funeral. I don’t know how effective Debbie is at her job, but I find myself staring off in la-la-land a lot.

    I still think about Richard all the time. It’s like I have the Richard channel running in my brain. It’s 24/7 programming. Anything else must somehow rise above this channel to get attention.

    I feel an enormous emptiness inside. Richard was our baby. He was the last one that was dependent on us financially. He was a full time college student. We paid all his tuition and lodging expenses. We also provided him a car and insurance. I was paying these bills on a pay-as-you-go basis. It took everything I could make to keep up. It was my focus and my purpose in life. That is now gone. Yeah, it’s much easier financially. But I feel like a boat that’s lost its rudder and I just drift around where the currents take me. I don’t have a purpose anymore.  I just go through the motions.

    Debbie still cries when we attend a “Richard Mass.” These are the masses that supporters have said in Richard’s memory. There has been at least 1 every week since after his funeral. We’ve been to every one of them.

    I still feel a great sense of guilt. I should have been able to keep this from happening. I knew how Richard was, because he was very much like me. I knew that he would trust the medical establishment to not give him bad medication. I knew he wouldn’t ask his doctor before taking the generic form of his seizure prevention medication. I should have nagged him into it. Now he’s gone.

    It still chokes me up when I think about the tremendous support we’ve been shown by everyone around us – family, co-workers, fellow parishioners. The prayers and thoughts help.

  • The Big Game

    The Big Game

    Richard was a big sports fan. His bedroom is decorated in Miami Dolphins colors. They were his favorite NFL team.

    We had many sports talks. The sports minded members of my family are University of Kentucky fans. I went to school there in the 70’s . My parents had season tickets to the football games. My dad and I still go to all the home games along with my brother and his wife. So Richard decided he would be the fly in the ointment and be a University of Louisville fan. UK and UofL don’t like one another.

    I think he did this mostly to irritate my brother Stuart.

    I always felt he was mostly faking it. He always followed UK a lot more closely than he did Louisville. He just liked to argue.

    This fall Richard was supposed to be attending the University of Kentucky for the first time. He was excited about it.

    He had big plans for the annual UK vs UL football game. It was a home game for UK. Richard planned to wear his UL red t-shirt to the game. Right in the middle of the UK student section. We talked about it often.

    I was really looking forward to tailgating with my son and his girlfriend at all the games this fall. I have been going to these games with my dad for many years, and looked forward to continuing this tradition with Richard for many more years.

    But Richard never got to attend UK.

    I thought about wearing a UL shirt in memory of him. But I knew the emotional load would be too much. I would have spent the entire game remembering why I was wearing the wrong colors.

    I guess the games will never be the same.