As my shift at work was winding down that Thursday evening, I was thinking about how I would spend the vacation time I had scheduled for the next day. I was taking off on Friday to have a long weekend. My wife Debbie and I were planning to celebrate our wedding anniversary over the weekend, though our actual anniversary date had been on Wednesday. Then I got ”the call.”
It was that call all parents fear most. The one from the coroner to tell me our youngest son Richard was dead.
Our lives changed forever in that instant.
Instead of celebrating our anniversary we planned a funeral and went shopping for a casket, flowers and a grave plot.
It’s now been over a year since Richard’s death. We spend a lot of time thinking back on those early days. It was all such a foggy blur. What helped us in that time? What helps now? What can you do for a grieving parent? Here are some of the things that cut through the fog and into my memory – things that made a difference.
Give Your Time
There is an amazing amount of planning and activity involved in having a funeral. We had a memorial service the day before Richard’s funeral and the actual funeral service to plan.There are just so many details. Can you take on some of that work?
- Richard’s funeral was in church. There were a lot of readings and songs that we needed to pick for the service. My sister took on the music planning role for us. It was a relief to be able to just hand that off to her.
- One of the services offered by the funeral home we used was making a montage of pictures of Richard. This was a chance to show everyone at the memorial service Richard’s life in pictures. We had to supply the funeral home with 30 – 35 images to use. Our daughter Sarah,Hannah and Shelby two of Richard’s closest cousins, and his girl friend Ivy sat in our TV room floor going through albums and boxes of pictures. They went though hundreds of pictures. While they sorted photos they also told a lot of “Richard stories”. As hard as it is to imagine, they helped us smile, as we remembered how much fun he’d been.
- My siblings, nephew, and nieces showed up at our house with lawn mowers and other tools and went to work in our yard mowing grass. They also cut up some broken tree limbs from a recent storm. Truth is I didn’t care if the grass was knee high at that time. But they were doing anything they could just to let us know how much they cared about Richard and us. That will always mean a lot to us.
Give Your Talent
Putting your own talent and personality into your gift will help it stand out in someone’s memory.
- Gifts of food are welcome in those confusing and busy days following the death of a child. We got many, both at home and at the funeral home for the memorial service. Visitors at the memorial service were our guests a food gifts helped us feed them and make them comfortable. Of all the gifts of food, only one stands out in my mind now. Susan from our church is an artist. Rather than go to the local store and get an off the self fruit tray, she bought a large basket. She filled the basket with a large assortment of fruit, all arranged in a very striking design. It was a work of art. It was almost too pretty to eat – but it went quickly as soon as the first piece of fruit was taken from the basket.
- I don’t remember many details from Richard’s funeral Mass. In all the blur of pain and disbelief one thing made it past the fog. The choir sang the song “In His Time.” The service was on a Monday morning – a work day, yet there were more people in the choir section that we usually see on Sundays. The verses of the song were sung solo by Chris, a regular member of the choir and Susan, the wife of the choir director, not normally a part of the choir. Neither of these two had ever sung solo before. But they stepped out of their comfort zone to do something special for us. It was beautiful. Remembering this act of compassion still chokes me up today. Is there a talent you could share with someone grieving? Can you go beyond your normal limits to let someone know you care?
Memorials
Parents that have lost a child don’t want them forgotten. Memorial items are important.
- As a birthday gift for her mom, our daughter Sarah made what we call “The Richard Book.” This is a beautiful hard cover book with glossy pages of various Bible verses, remembrances and pictures of Richard. The text of the sermon Father Bill gave at Richard’s funeral and a letter I wrote for his memorial service were printed there. She spent a lot of time and thought picking the content and arranging it. She had the book made at Shutterfly.com, an online photo printing company. I’m sure other online companies offer custom made books too.
- A nice photo montage, printed and framed would also be a great item. We have a huge one that was made by Memory Lane Montages. They partnered with our funeral home and created a masterpiece montage in less than a day. We had to have a closed casket, so this was really helpful for us and let us show our visitors what our son was all about. You can order from their website, no funeral home needed.
- My coworker Eric called me off to the side one day at the plant. He handed me a big white box. Inside was an ornate Celtic cross (pictured above) that he had cut on the scroll saw. It was mounted on a plaque. On the back was a copy of the remembrance card from the funeral and Richard’s picture. It is hanging on the wall beside the big photo montage we had made.
- Several of my aunts and uncles got together and bought us a nice granite bench to place in the cemetery. It has the family name cut in the back. Richard’s grave is close to my mom’s grave. We also have plots there. The bench is under a tree next to our families graves. It’s a nice place to sit when visiting. I’ve sat there and had lunch with Richard. The name on the back is visible from the road, so it helps people find our family plots. It’s a gift that will last for generations.
Other Ideas
There are other things you can do that will mean a lot to a bereaved parent.
- Richard was a member of our church youth group all through high school. Kids from the group got together their “Richard stories” and pictures from some of their times together and put them into a notebook for us.
- Remember with them. The important life dates – birth date, death date – are really hard times for grieving parents. Can you remember these dates? Send a note letting the parents know you’re thinking about them. Maybe share something you remember about their kid. They’ll never forget their child, but it will give them comfort knowing you haven’t forgotten either and you still care. This website has ideas and suggestions on how to write a heartfelt card or note.
- Give them a call from time to time, let them know you’re thinking about them.
Grieving for a lost child is a very long and difficult journey. It will take years. Maybe the best help is to just be there to walk that path with them over time.
You may feel nothing you say or do can help. There isn’t anything you can do to take away the pain. But you can make dealing with the pain a little less tough. Something as simple as a hug and genuine “I’m so sorry”, maybe a shared tear really do make a difference.
