Grieving Parent

Author: Joe Mudd

  • New Attitude on Dying

    New Attitude on Dying

    OK I’ll admit it. The idea of dying has always scared me to death.

    I’ve never wanted to do it.

    After I reached my 50th birthday I figured I had just started living my second fifty years. I’ve always wanted to live as long as possible.

    Losing one of my children has changed my attitude.

    If I have any chance to see my kid again, it will come through death.

    No I don’t have any plans to speed the process up. But it’s no longer so scary.

    Maybe part of this is because I feel I’ve lost a big part of my reason for life. Yes that’s silly. I still have much to be thankful and happy for. But I do feel lost.

    And I do want to see Richard again. He doesn’t seem to be able to come to me, so I’ll have to go to him. Only one way to do that.

    So when the time comes, I won’t be so afraid.

  • The Four Month Report

    The Four Month Report

    It has now been 4 months since the “official” date of Richard’s death.

    Just thought I’d list a few observations about where we are in our grieving process.

    I don’t cry as much. Not openly. I cry inside just as much. I still miss my kid.

    Debbie and I go to work everyday. We’ve done this since about 3 weeks after Richard’s funeral. I don’t know how effective Debbie is at her job, but I find myself staring off in la-la-land a lot.

    I still think about Richard all the time. It’s like I have the Richard channel running in my brain. It’s 24/7 programming. Anything else must somehow rise above this channel to get attention.

    I feel an enormous emptiness inside. Richard was our baby. He was the last one that was dependent on us financially. He was a full time college student. We paid all his tuition and lodging expenses. We also provided him a car and insurance. I was paying these bills on a pay-as-you-go basis. It took everything I could make to keep up. It was my focus and my purpose in life. That is now gone. Yeah, it’s much easier financially. But I feel like a boat that’s lost its rudder and I just drift around where the currents take me. I don’t have a purpose anymore.  I just go through the motions.

    Debbie still cries when we attend a “Richard Mass.” These are the masses that supporters have said in Richard’s memory. There has been at least 1 every week since after his funeral. We’ve been to every one of them.

    I still feel a great sense of guilt. I should have been able to keep this from happening. I knew how Richard was, because he was very much like me. I knew that he would trust the medical establishment to not give him bad medication. I knew he wouldn’t ask his doctor before taking the generic form of his seizure prevention medication. I should have nagged him into it. Now he’s gone.

    It still chokes me up when I think about the tremendous support we’ve been shown by everyone around us – family, co-workers, fellow parishioners. The prayers and thoughts help.

  • Gifts at the Grave

    Gifts at the Grave

    I visited Richard’s grave the other day and found a new addition – pictured above.

    Richard had many good friends. His passing affected them as well as it did us. They miss him too.

    They visit his grave. We’ve been there a few times when they’ve arrived.

    Other times they’ve left clues. Like these soft drinks that were Richard’s favorites.

    It’s comforting to know that they cared about our kid. And that they still think about him and pray for him. We’re glad he had them in his life.

  • The Richard Book

    The Richard Book

    Debbie’s birthday was last month.

    Her gift from our daughter Sarah arrived from Texas the other day. In the enclosed birthday card, Sarah instructed her mom to share the gift with me. There was a pack of Kleenex attached to the gift, warning of an emotional surprise inside.

    It was a special gift indeed.

    Inside was a custom-made book that Sarah created for us.

    Within the leather bound covers were 30+ pages of Richard pictures. Many of the glossy pages also had Bible verses or other quotes that Sarah had selected.

    There was the letter I wrote for display at the funeral home. And Father Bill’s sermon from the funeral mass.

    It had to take Sarah a lot of time and thought to make this beautiful book. It will be a family heirloom.

    The tissues were a good touch too.

  • A Day in Court

    A Day in Court

    Yesterday I got to go to court.

    In order to get access to Richard’s bank account and his mutual fund, I have to be the administrator of his estate.

    I won’t go into how strange it sounds to talk about Richard’s estate – when he owed more than he owned. The lawyers call this an insolvent estate.

    I also won’t go into how heartbreaking it is to talk about my son’s estate.

    I started the day by meeting my lawyer, Sherman Riggs, at his office. We spent a little time going over the various forms that we would file in court. Making sure the information was correct and notarizing what needed to be.

    Then we walked across the street to the court house and went into the room for the Shelby District Court.

    And then we waited.

    Everyone that needs to use the District Court for probate meets at the court house on Monday morning at 10:30am. Then you wait till they call your name.

    Around 11am I heard the Honorable Donna Dutton call for, “The estate of Richard Morgan Mudd.” Sherman and I walked up to the judge’s bench.

    We spent a few minutes as the judge and the attorney went over the papers. Judge Dutton and I chatted a little – our daughter Sarah used to babysit for the judge.

    I was then asked to raise my right hand and swear an oath that I would do my best to properly take care of administering Richard’s estate.

    Then we went across the hall and stood in line at the office of the District Court Clerk. Here we got the judges orders notarized. It cost $91 to file the papers. [Editorial Rant] What do the taxes we pay do anyway? You still have to pay a big fee when you use the court system. The same court system you pay taxes to support. Geez. [End Editorial Rant]

    Then it was back to the attorney’s office to go over the next steps.

    After finishing up with Sherman, I went to the cemetery and told Richard all about how I was going to lose money getting access to his mutual fund account. Just so he wouldn’t haunt me for leaving it behind.