Grieving Parent

Author: Joe Mudd

Christmas Morning 2009

Dear Richard,

It’s Christmas.

You’re not here. It’s not the same without you.

No country ham. We did have bacon, nice and crispy but not burnt.

Sarah passed out the gifts. You weren’t sitting cross-legged on the floor to get yours. Your stocking was empty. Unless you count all the thoughts of love that we sent out to you.

It was a nice morning – sort of.

Not as nice as the twenty-two Christmas mornings that we had you here with us.

And we didn’t go to the farm. Your uncle Stuart had to have back surgery a week ago and he can’t travel much. So we went to his house this time. You probably would have enjoyed it, even though you don’t like to change our traditions. They have a pool table and Foosball. There was a lot of heated compitition – just the way you like it.

Merry Christmas son.

We miss you.

Love,
Dad

12/25/2009
The Story Behind “Precious Child”

While searching for information about the Worldwide Candle Lighting I stumbled upon the song “Precious Child.” Or maybe I should say I was grabbed by the song. It really had a strong affect on me.

Because this song had such a strong affect on me, I went searching for the artist. “Precious Child was written and performed by Karen Taylor-Good. While at her website I left a message on her guestbook.

Well, I was surprised the other day to find a message from Karen in my email box.

Karen wrote a very nice note. She told me the story of how she came to write this powerful song.

I asked her to let me post that message here and she gave her permission.

Here is her note to me:

Dear Joe,
I want to thank you so much for taking the time to write to me about “Precious Child”.

I read many of the entries on your website….and want to tell you how very sorry I am about the loss of your son, Richard. He sounds like an amazing young man.

I’ve only witnessed what it’s like to be a bereaved parent from the sidelines….my nephew Paul was murdered when he was 21, and I watched my sister go through that tremendous grief. I know that only those of you who’ve been through it can understand it, or have any idea what it’s like.

Bonnie, my sister, became involved with the Compassionate Friends, and was helping them plan their meeting in Nashville several years ago. She asked me if I would come and sing something.

We both wondered what I would sing….we thought about my song “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”, but although it’s about loss, it’s pretty “mother” specific. I asked her to give me a few days to see if anything came.

I was up at the Waffle House the next morning, with my husband Dennis. In the middle of breakfast, I started hearing the song……..in all of the 500+ songs that I’ve written, this has NEVER happened before…or since.

I asked Dennis to please stop talking,

I grabbed a pen from our waitress, a waffle house napkin, and I wrote down the song…..using numbers for the notes….the whole thing just came.

I recorded it a week later, and we passed it by her “committee”…..who wondered if I had used the words “precious child” too many times…..and a couple of other nit-picky things that I said….”nope…not changing it” to……….but then, they asked if I would change this line….to account for the many varying beliefs of all the parents who might hear the song:

What I HEARD and what I wrote down was:
……God knows I want to see you, feel you, touch you….and I KNOW there’s a heaven and some day I will again………

This is not particularly my belief….I have no real, set religious beliefs….I’m open to many ideas….not so open to many others…..but this is what I heard.

They asked me to please change it….so I did….to “MAYBE there’s a heaven….”

Just thought it was important to share that with you, dear Joe….not that it could possibly make your grief any less.

I am honored that the song is speaking to your heart. I know that I was simply used as an instrument to get it out to you, and to my sister, and to other bereaved parents.

My love to you and your family….
Karen

Having talked to Karen a few times now via email, I find that she is not only very talented, but a generous and nice lady as well.

Thanks Karen.

12/21/2009
My First Compassionate Friends Meeting

I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.

So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night. This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. The norm is once per month.

There were four men there. We were out numbered by the ladies by about 2 to 1. Of the four men, three of us are named Joe. I have no idea if that means anything, but it’s interesting anyway.

The meeting started with each of us introducing ourselves and telling a little about our child. Counting Debbie and myself there were three of us that had lost our child within the past 6 months. At the other end of the spectrum there was a couple that lost their child nearly 21 years ago.

This led into a natural spin off to issues of handling grief.

As expected, those of us that have recently become bereaved parents still feel pain in a very raw and overwhelming way. What really made an impact on me is how intrense that pain still is for those parents that have been facing this problem for years. I knew it would be something that we’d never really “get over” but I didn’t really realize just how powerful that feeling remains. This is a long hard road that lays before us.

We had a long discussion about getting through the Christmas season.

Almost none of the people there listen to Christmas music. Even those that lost a child years ago. One of the couples said they no longer exchange gifts. One said he avoids going into Walmart during the holiday season. This must mean he only goes in there about half the year, because it seems they start playing Christmas music right after the 4th of July holiday.

The general consensus was the desire to fast forward past the holidays completely.

Yep, I agree the holidays are really tough. I’ve been on the edge for the past month. But I don’t want to completely avoid everyone during the season. My family has been a big part of surviving this for both of us. I still want to be with them on Christmas. I would like to skip the gift giving part though.

We had a little food and fellowship. Just talking about our kids and our grief experience with people that are living it too.

Our friends and family want to help, but they have no idea how. We have no idea how either. But TCF gives us a chance to spend time with people that understand this horrible mess in a way no one else can.

It’s a long hard road. Maybe it’s best to not travel it alone.

12/19/2009
Christmas Memories

Of our three children, Richard probably looked most forward to Christmas.

He was four months old on his first Christmas. After we put the tree up we brought Richard into the room and put him on the floor in front of the tree. He lit up just like that tree. He just squealed and laughed. He wriggled and pushed those little arms and legs, trying with all his might to get over to the tree. He loved it.

As he got older he would always like to go over, lie down under the tree and look up at the lights from below.

He also loved the little snow globe that we set out at Christmas time. He would shake it up and watch the snow swirl around Santa over and over again. He’s holding one of these in the picture above.

Last year Debbie bought him a really nice snow globe. It has a wood base and a glass globe. And a music box built in. It was on the desk in his apartment when he died.

This snow globe was on Richard’s desk in his apartment.

Richard insisted on following our family traditions. Wouldn’t hear of changing things.

We still had to put up his stocking every year. Always had to have country ham for breakfast.

The kids bedrooms are upstairs. When they were young they always had to stay upstairs on Christmas morning until we said it was OK to come down.

They might wake up an hour before we did, but they had to just wait on the old folks. They’d gather at the top of the stairs and try to peek down. Often we’d just lie in bed and listen to them. They’d be whispering to each other.

“Are they up yet?”

“I don’t see them anywhere.”

“Can you see any presents?”

“No, it’s too dark.”

Little by little their volume would increase. Finally they’d give up and start yelling at us to wake up.

I’d drag things out to tease them.

“Can we come down now?”

“No, we have get the tree lit up first.”

“Hurry up” “Can we come down NOW?”

“Nope, I have to get the camera ready.” And on it would go.

Last year Richard was 22 at Christmas. He still waited at the top of the stairs for the all clear from mom and dad.

12/18/2009
Christmas Decorating at the Cemetery

Sunday afternoon we did a little Christmas decorating at the cemetery.

There have already been many wreaths showing up. Debbie decided she wanted Richards grave to look different. So she bought a couple of small live trees. She put in a few ornaments and red bows.

Richard always insisted on cranberry sauce for Christmas. Not the store bought kind, that stuff that looks like it came out of a tin can jello mold. Nope. It had to be the real thing.

So every year Debbie bought cranberries and cooked them on the stove with sugar. This was a time consuming job requiring lots of stirring. Richard helped. Some.

So Debbie got cranberries and made strings of berries with them. We placed them on the trees.

We took these potted trees to the cemetery. I dug them in deep enough the wind shouldn’t be able to turn them over. We put one at Richard’s grave and one at my mom’s grave, which is located behind Richard.

After Christmas we’ll take them out and plant them somewhere.

12/16/2009