Author: Joe Mudd

  • Go To The Top

    Go To The Top

    As a young family we didn’t take many big vacations. We decided shortly after Sarah was born to become a one income family, so money was always tight. Big vacations cost big bucks.

    There was also that little matter of my not wanting to travel much. Let me take a few trips around the yard on the lawn mower and give me a glass of iced tea – that’s what a vacation was supposed to be in mind.

    But I did get talked into one big adventure.

    By big, I’m talking about 5600 miles, 17 states and 21 DAYS away from home.

    Go West Young Man Family

    We started out with only one predetermined destination – the Grand Canyon. The rest of the trip was to be pretty freeform, only a rough sketch.  So if something along the way looked interesting, we often went to check it out.

    Early in our adventure we were driving across southern Colorado, enjoying flat plains covered in wild flowers. Snow covered mountains rose in the distance. We came upon a sign pointing to an approaching crossroad to our right.

    “Great Sand Dunes National Park,” it read.

    Hmmm, that might be interesting. Right turn.

    Great Sand Dunes National Park

    As the name implies, The Great Sand Dunes National Park features sand dunes. 39 square miles of them.

    Here’s an interesting fact we discovered on our trip – rivers in the west are full of sand, not water. I don’t know why they do it that way, but trust me, they do.

    So here’s what happens. The winds blow down out of the San Luis mountains to the west. They travel across the Rio Grande river, pick up sand and carry it across the vast mountain valley. When the wind strikes the Sangre De Cristo mountains on the eastern end of the valley, the sand falls out and piles up.

    It’s been doing that for centuries.

    The result is the vast dune field that gives the park it’s name. This is sand like you see in the movies, when they show people staggering across the desert, on their way to a hot, dry death.

    We arrived at the parking lot. A little dirt trail led off through the surrounding trees. There was no where else to go, so we followed it.

    The trail ended at a 30 foot wide stream. On the other side of the stream was sand. Sand as far as the eye could see. Sand in great rippling dunes, some as much as 700 foot high.

    It’s a pretty place. Picture pure, golden-brown sand, surrounded by trees and a stream. In the distance you see snow covered mountains. Postcards are born here.

    After removing our shoes, and wading the creek (man, that’s some cold water in there), we hit the sand. First we crossed a beach area, about 100 yards long.

    And Then There Were Dunes

    The early summer day was bright, the sky crystal clear and deep blue. The warm winds that formed the dunes was with us, and the temperature was climbing fast.

    I don’t know what picture comes to mind for you when you hear the word dunes. I’ve always thought of nice gently ripping sand. What lay before us were small mountains of sand.

    We climbed a 50 footer, crossed the valley on the other side, and climbed the next.

    Climbing these steep sand hills was a real workout. The sand under foot shifts and slides away as you walk. So you step up two or three feet, but slip back down a foot before you get dug in enough to hold your position. It’s hard work.

    Up and over and down, up and over we went.

    After about a half dozen or so of these these mini-mountains, we came to a deep valley. Up ahead, maybe a quater mile away, a huge monster dune loomed into the sky.

    We old people had exercised more in the past half-hour then we had in the previous month. The sand mountain in front of us was hundreds of feet tall. No way was I climbing that thing. We decided this would be a perfect place to put our blanket down and enjoy the view.

    The children, not being as wise as their parents, wanted to continue.

    “I want to go to the top,” pleaded Richard.

    A Plan Formed In My Mind

    “You kids go ahead and climb to the top. Mom and I will sit here and watch,” I said. No way was I climbing that thing.

    Off they went. Down the valley, and up the first hill, then up the next they climbed.

    Their progress began to slow. Sarah took a break. Richard kept going.

    As they crossed valleys between hills they often disappeared from view. They both took frequent breaks, but the distance between them grew. As they got farther away, it became hard for us to tell which of the many climbers on the dunes were them.

    Debbie grew uneasy.

    “Maybe one of us should have gone with them,” she said.

    “Us,” of course, meant me. No way was I climbing that thing.

    “They’ll be fine,” I reassured her.

    On they went.

    Sarah was taking longer and more frequent rest periods. The distance between them grew and they were now far apart.

    Richard was getting really far away, and it was hard to pick him out, as he disappeared in the numerous small valleys. I had to use the video camera, on full zoom mode, to watch him.

    Slowly, finally, he made it to the top of the monstrous dune.

    He stood, catching his breath at the top, looking back from where he had come. He then turned around and looked on the other side.

    “He’s not going down the other side is he? If he goes down the other side, I’m going to have a heart attack,” moaned his worrying mom.

    Richard headed off down the other side.

    “He’ll get lost! Someone is going to have to go up there and get him!” Debbie screamed.

    You know when she said, “Someone,” who she meant don’t you? No way was I climbing that thing.

    “Don’t worry so much. Richard will be fine. He won’t go far,” I told her. “He’ll be back soon.” No way was I climbing that thing.

    We sat down on the sand to wait. Debbie chain smoked, as I scanned the horizon for signs of my little Boy Scout. Fifteen minutes passed.

    “Someone is going to have to go up there and find him.”

    “Just have patience, he’ll be back soon,” I said. No way was I climbing that thing.

    Sarah finally made it to the top, rested, and began her return. Thirty minutes passed.

    No sign of Richard.

    Debbie, frantic now, said “You have to go up there and find him. NOW!”

    I was going to climb that thing.

    I packed the video camera/spotting scope over my shoulder, kissed my wife goodbye and headed off into the sand.

    The sun was directly overhead and very hot. I picked out a longer but slightly less steep route to the summit and trudged on in the boiling hot sand.

    Each of the successively higher hills became harder to climb. At each upward step my foot would slip back in the sand about half way.

    I reached the top of a dune about midway up the big hill. My calves were screaming. My lungs were screaming back at them.

    It was time to stop for rest.

    I spotted another man, about my age, fifteen feet away. His face was flushed red and he was sweating profusely. He was bent over, hands on his knees, breathing hard.

    “Nice little walk up here, isn’t it?” I casually remarked.

    “Huff, huff, wheeze,” he replied.

    “I didn’t want to come up here, but my kid went over the top and my wife said I had to come find him,” I confided.

    He shook his head in an understanding nod and said, “When you get there, send my kid back too. I can’t make it any farther.”

    I got a description of his son and left him alone as I struggled on.

    The sun was merciless. The sand was merciless. I was sweating like crazy.

    I hadn’t had a drink in hours. My mouth was parched. My tongue was so dry it began to flake away. My vision blurred.

    Overhead, buzzards circled in a greedy death watch.

    I could see the headlines now, “Man Dies Tragically, Attempting Rescue of Son on the Sand.”

    I staggered on.

    I reached the final valley. The last hill to the top lay on the other side. It was a huge mountain of a sand dune.

    I stopped for one last look back at Debbie, for I knew I may never see her again. I couldn’t tell where she was. In the vast ocean of sand behind me, all the dunes looked alike. The people were too small to identify from here. I realized, I could get lost up here.

    I wondered who Debbie would make come up here to find me.

    Turning back to the mountain before me, I raised the video camera for one last scan of the peak. Slowly, I panned the horizon. Over there to the left, just coming down from the top, was kid about the right size. I zoomed all the way out. Yes! It was him.

    “Richard, get over here,” I yelled.

    I sure hoped he could find his way back down from here.

    There is a valuable lesson to be learned from this little story. We had violated one of the most basic rules of parenting: be specific and always sweat the small details.

    When we gave Richard permission to climb to the top, we had failed to mention what top we had in mind. When he got to the top of the hill in front of us, he discovered it wasn’t the top after all, as there were taller hills farther on.

    Richard always liked to be the first one up the hill, to reach the summit first.

    I guess he’s still doing it.

    Photo credit NPS

  • Groovy Grieving Music

    Groovy Grieving Music

    Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast

    To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.

    I’ve read, that things inanimate have mov’d,

    And, as with living Souls, have been inform’d,

    By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.

    What then am I? Am I more senseless grown

    Than Trees, or Flint? O force of constant Woe!

    ‘Tis not in Harmony to calm my Griefs.

    Anselmo sleeps, and is at Peace; last Night

    The silent Tomb receiv’d the good Old King;

    He and his Sorrows now are safely lodg’d

    Within its cold, but hospitable Bosom.

    Why am not I at Peace?

    – William Congreve, in The Mourning Bride, 1697

    Music has emotional power. A good song can often touch our hearts, and express the feelings we can’t find words for. There seems to be a music genre for just about everything… so why not for grieving?

    Here are some of the songs that have touched me. Some are by grieving parents. Some were written for grieving parents. Some just seem to have a message we need.

    I have to give this quick warning though, grab a fresh box of tissues before you start listening.

    To Where You Are – Josh Groban

    This is one of those with an up lifting message. Maybe we need to hear that, “A breath away’s not far to where you are.”

    Precious Child – Karen Taylor-Good

    I was introduced to this song at our first Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. I doubt it’s an exaggeration to say I’ve listened to it a thousand times since… usually with tears running down my face.

    Here is the story of why the song came to be and some other interesting facts about it.

    You can get a CD single from The Compassionate Friends website. You can download a free mp3 of the song from Karen Taylor-Good’s website. I’ve done both.

    Where Beautiful Souls Go – P. Taylor Reed

    We met P. Taylor Reed at the 2011 Frankfort KY Compassionate Friends Regional Conference. She’s a grieving mom and she wrote this song as a tribute to her son Jeremy.  She performed it for us at the conference.

    You can read her’s and Jeremy’s stories, and purchase a single CD of the song at her website.

    Why by Rascal Flatts

    This is one of my favorite groups. Having a child die is so hard to deal with. Having a child die of suicide seems like it would add even more burden and heartache to an already unbearable event. This song explores that pain.

    As Long As You Love by Cindy Bullens

    Cindy Bullens is an award winning singer/song writer and the bereaved mother of Jessie, a cancer victim at the age of 11 . She did the soundtrack for the documentary Space Between Breaths. I couldn’t find a video with my favorite song from the album, Better Than I’ve Ever Been, but as I write this she’s offering a free mp3 of that song on her official website.

    You can get the soundtrack CD at the Space Between Breaths store. You’ll also find many of these songs on Cindy’s album Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth.

    You can learn more about Jessie and the The Jessie Fund, a charity that helps support children with cancer.

    Tonight I Hold This Candle” by Alan Pedersen

    We’ve met singer/song writer Alan Pedersen at both of the Compassionate Friends of Frankfort regional conferences we’ve attended. He’ll be performing at this year’s conference as well. His daughter Ashley died in a 2001 auto accident.

    He has been referred to as the James Taylor of grieving parent music. He currently has 4 CD’s which you can buy at his store.

    He tours the country with his Angels Across the USA Tour.

    ThePianoGuys with Craig Aven

    ThePianoGuys co-founder Jon Schmidt lost his daughter Annie in November 2016. He tells the story at start of the video and shares the song that helped him deal with his grief. 

  • Upcoming Compassionate Friends Conferences

    Upcoming Compassionate Friends Conferences

    Dennis Apple, author of Life After The Death of My Son: What I’m Learning, sent a note the other day telling me about a Compassionate Friends (TCF) regional conference that he’s part of. So I thought I’d share some info here about a couple of upcoming TCF regional conferences.

    Sunflowers of Hope Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends

    This conference is hosted by the Johnson County, KS chapter of TCF, and Dennis Apple and his wife Buelah will be doing a workshop.

    When:
    February 17 & 18, 2012

    Where:
    The DoubleTree Hotel
    US Highway 69 and College Blvd
    Overland Park,  Kansas

    There are special rates available at the hotel for conference attendees.

    Get More Info:
    You can get full conference details and registration instructions at the following website,
    http://www.jocotcf.org/?page_id=209 

    “Wilderness of Grief, Is There Hope?” Frankfort, KY Regional Conference

    This one’s a bit closer to home for us, and we plan to attend.

    When:
    March 23 & 24, 2012

    Where:
    Capital Plaza Hotel
    405 Wilkinson Blvd
    Frankfort, KY 40601

    There is a block of rooms reserved for conference attendees at a discount rate of $79 + tax. Mention TCF when you make your reservations at (502)-227-5100.

    Get More Info:
    You can find more details, contact info and registration form at their website,
    http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com

  • A Prayer Request

    A Prayer Request

    Tonight my cousin Denise lost her daughter Jessica.

    It brings back memories of that night two and a half years ago. Debbie and I were sitting on our couch going through every picture of Richard we could find. We sat there crying, hugging and, if you can believe it, laughing as we looked at the images of the smiling face we’d never see again.

    Maybe Denise has been doing the same thing. See that playful picture of Jessica above? Denise just posted it to Facebook to let friends and family know about Jessica’s death. She says she likes this picture. And no, that’s not Jessica’s real hair.

    I’m sitting here now trying to think of some magic words to say to my sweet cousin. I’m searching for something, anything I can tell her to ease her pain and grief.

    But I have no magic words. There are none.

    So all I can do right now is pray for her. I hope you’ll help me if you’re a praying person. I believe in the power of prayer, especially prayers said by many people in many places.

    Denise has spent many worry filled days and sleepless nights in hospitals and at home nursing her daughter after the brain surgeries she had. She has one last earthly task to do for her little girl. I pray she’ll find the strength to get through taking Jessica to her final resting place. I pray that she’ll make it through the nightmare that never ends and find peace in the coming months and years.

    I pray. It’s all I know to do.

  • Crazy Thoughts?

    Crazy Thoughts?

    After your kid leaves this earth you do a lot of thinking – at least I do. I come up with some pretty crazy ideas too.

    A few months before Richard died I was involved in a truck crash. My Toyota pickup truck verses a Big Rig. It ran over me on I-64.

    It was the first week of February. That winter had been a bad one for driving. We’d had several ice storms. On that night, as I left work for the 45 mile drive home, the roads were clear.

    There are two exits for Frankfort, KY on I-64, five miles apart. In the middle is the Kentucky River. You pass one exit and then descend down a long slow decline, cross the river, then drive up a long slow incline back to the top and then pass the second exit.

    This area between the Frankfort exits, across the Kentucky River valley, is a moisture magnet. If there is any rain, snow or ice in the air, it will fall between those exits. I’ve been making near daily trips along this stretch of road for more than three decades now, and it’s always been that way.

    So I wasn’t a bit surprised when ice started falling as I began to near Frankfort.

    It was light at first, but like always it got worse the closer to Frankfort I got. The surface was soon covered in a slush and ice combo. As I passed the first exit the ice was much worse. I slowed down and shifted into 4-wheel drive mode. Driving down the hill toward the river I could feel the road grow slicker. I wasn’t in a hurry, so I slowed down more. As I got close to the bottom of the hill and the Kentucky River bridge I was probably doing between 30 and 35 miles per hour.

    As I concentrated on keeping my truck on the road I remember looking up at the rearview mirror. I saw a tractor trailer truck coming up on me fast. I realized he was going to hit me, and there wasn’t a thing either of us could do at that point to keep it from happening. I don’t remember being really afraid about it, it was just a mental calculation of speed and distance, as the headlights rapidly filled my mirror.

    The next thing I remember was looking up at the headliner of my truck. The seat was laid backward, so I was facing the roof. The top half of the steering wheel was bent backwards at a 90 degree angle. I grabbed it and pulled myself upright.

    The truck was pointed uphill in what appeared to be a woods. The still running pickup (gotta love those Toyotas) was backed down in between several trees. I couldn’t see any road from where my truck sat. I had no idea how I had gotten there.

    I unbuckled my seat belt and got out of the truck. There was some guy coming down the hill and asking, “Are you alright?”

    I had a bit of a headache, and there seemed to be a bump on the back of my head, but all parts were still attached and moving when I wanted them to, so I told him I was.

    I did consent to an ambulance ride to the hospital to be checked out when the medics arrived.

    Many hours later the details were filled in.

    The truck driver claimed to be doing 60 miles per hour when he rear-ended me. There was a sliding window in my truck cab, and I knocked the section behind the driver seat out with my head.

    Got a concussion and a bit of a cut on the back of my head.

    My truck was totalled.

    I didn’t even remember the truck coming up on me until a couple of hours after the wreck. Until then I thought it was a single vehicle accident.

    Everyone tells me I was lucky to still be alive. And that’s where the crazy thoughts come in

    Maybe I’m not still alive.

    Maybe I was killed in the crash and my body is the one buried near my mom at the cemetery, not Richard’s.

    I mean really, couldn’t this be hell?

    I know we all think of hell as some big sea of fire. The devil prances around above with some nice cold sweet tea, and just laughs at the bad people as they suffer in the flames. That’s the hell the good Sisters of Mercy taught me about back in my Catholic grade school days.

    But wouldn’t that be soft time compared to this?

    Maybe when you go to hell you think you’re still alive, and the devil makes bad things happen to your family.

    That’s one of the crazy thoughts I’ve had since Richard died.

    I wasn’t a saint. I didn’t even get close to it. But I don’t think I was so horrible that God couldn’t forgive me and would send me straight to hell. I’m just guessing at his standards here, but I’ve never felt I was that close to the edge.

    So maybe I’m not in hell. And that’s where another crazy thought comes in

    Could I have made a deal with the angel of death?

    What if I was supposed to die in the crash. But while I was out of it after using my head for a hammer against the rear window, the Grim Reaper offered to let me come back, if I’d offer up one of my beautiful children in my place. Certainly either of them would be a much more valuable catch than me.

    I’ve never wanted to die. The thought has always scared the crap out of me. I always liked it here. Sign me up for the immortality juice.

    Could I have made a deal? Would I have done something so horrible, just to save myself?

    I really love that kid, so I don’t think I would do it. I hope I wouldn’t do it.

    I pray I didn’t do it.

    So there are just a couple of my crazy thoughts. They are crazy, aren’t they… Or are they? Either of them could have happened. How the heck would I know if they did?

    Welcome to the wacky mind of a grieving parent.