Grieving Parent

Author: Joe Mudd

The Grandmother of Grief?

Both days of the recent conference by TCF Frankfort, KY opened in a session with Darcie Sims. She told us, “I’m probably the oldest member of TCF,” at least based on the time she’s been a bereaved mom – 34 years. In fact she was one of the early leaders in growing TCF into a national organization.

If you go to her website you’ll find enough letters after her name to keep Vanna White busy for awhile. Letters like Ph.D., CHT, CT, and GMS. I have no idea what most of those mean except the lady has some serious training.

And that training did nothing to prepare her for the pain and grief she experienced when her son “Big A” died.

The first day she went through her experience as a bereaved parent.

It was a standup comedy act with tear jerking insights tossed in. That’s right, she had a room full of grieving parents, siblings, and grandparents laughing often. Like all good humor, her jokes and comments were funny because they hit at the heart of reality.

At her first Compassionate Friends meeting she told about the leader’s innovative technique, having them all sit in a circle and touch knees. Sit on the chair with their legs spread so their knees would be touching their neighbors. Pretty dumb idea right? But no one questioned it. Because we grieving parents are crazy and we’ll do most anything to take away the pain. She did note the women wore pants after the first meeting.

She informed those of us that are still in our “year of firsts” that we’ve had it easy so far. The second year is harder. As she explained, “at first we’re frozen.” After the first year we thaw out. Then we really feel the pain.

That’s a very chilling thought.

03/21/2010
How to Decorate a Table

We’re attending the regional conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY this weekend.

The conference began in the main conference room of the Capital Plaza Hotel. The tables were very nicely decorated.

But I have to tell you, this is the first party I’ve ever been to with such unusual table decorations. Part of the decorations, right there with the center piece was a box of tissue.

They also provided each of us with a goodie bag. And there was a pack of tissues in there too.

Just a hint of the hard work in front of us.

03/21/2010
St. Patrick

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

Pictured above is my uniform for the day. They were Richard’s clothes.

One of the sacraments in the Catholic church is Confirmation. When we were babies our parents chose to have us baptized into the Catholic church. When we get older, usually middle school aged, we confirm that we choose this faith for ourselves. One element of the Sacrament of Confirmation is choosing a Confirmation name. The young person picks the name of a saint to be their patron.

Richard chose Patrick as his confirmation name.

We are having today’s mass offered for Richard.

We also bought some shamrocks to plant at his grave. But not knowing how cold/frost tolerant they are, we’ll wait for warmer weather to actually put them in the ground.

This is a prayer composed by St. Patrick, also known as “St. Patrick’s Breast-Plate.”

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God’s Power to guide me,
God’s Might to uphold me,
God’s Wisdom to teach me,
God’s Eye to watch over me,
God’s Ear to hear me,
God’s Word to give me speech,
God’s Hand to guide me,
God’s Way to lie before me,
God’s Shield to shelter me,
God’s Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

We need no special days to remember Richard, in fact we think of him every day. But this is a day to honor his memory and his spirit.

And to miss him.

03/17/2010
TCF Regional Conference

We’ve been doing some crafts lately. Making some pretty horseshoes.

We’ll be going to the Frankfort Compassionate Friends regional conference this coming weekend. The people attending the conference will receive a gift bag. I don’t know what all will be in that bag, but I do know it will have a real nice horseshoe.

The idea of a conference for people that have lost a child just seems so wrong.

But there are a bunch of us out there.

The conference is named “Remembering, Helping, Healing.” I know all of us grieving parents need those things.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

03/14/2010
Sportsaholic

I was often told that Richard was just like me. While not always true, one area we were in sync was our love of sports.

And Richard was a sportsaholic for sure.

Richard wasn’t a gifted athlete (sorry kid, but it’s true). But he had a big heart.

He loved to compete. And I think he really enjoyed being on a team and just hanging with the guys.

He’d play just about anything.

This is the inside of the trunk of Richard’s car. He was always ready for a game – no matter what the sport.

As the picture above shows, he was always ready for a game. Missing from the picture are his racketball gear and his golf clubs.

In high school he was on the power weight lifting team, the ultimate frizbee team and he did shotput and discus on the track team.

He never could make the basketball team. But he played intramural basketball every year, often hunting down guys and starting his own team.

At one of the Compassionate Friends meetings Debbie went to, she had to bring in something that was important to Richard.

Richard’s state championship ring from the track team was one of those things. He was really proud of that.

This is Richard’s state championship ring.

This is my first “March Madness” without Richard here to talk over the games with. You can bet he has his brackets filled out for the tournament.

The early rounds of the tournament have late games. It wasn’t unusual for a game to still be in progress when I got home from work at 12:30am. Debbie would be in bed sleeping and Richard would be sitting there with no lights on in the house watching the games. He would be updating his bracket.

We would watch the remainder of the games together and he’d update me on the games I missed. We’d usually get in a debate about who we thought would win the next round and why.

I’m really going to miss that.

He breaks his first board. I think it shocked him that he did it.

His first rodeo. OK, just kidding, but he was just too cute to pass on this picture.

Richard competing at shotput.

Throwing the discus.

03/13/2010