Though it often hasn’t felt possible after Richard’s death, life does indeed go on.
Spring is when nature shows us there is hope. There is new life.
I took my camera to the cemetery this morning. Even in a place that is the focus of our pain there is also much beauty.
Hope you enjoy the pictures (click the thumbnail pictures below to see the full size image).
April 15th. Tax day.
Doing my taxes has never been one of my favorite things. Probably not yours either. Just seeing all that money that was taken away from us, and knowing it was just the tip of the iceberg with all the other taxes we pay on a day-t0-day basis, I usually end up in a bad mood.
This year I got to do Richard’s return as well as ours. His last ever tax return.
Writing the word “deceased” at the top of his return was a lot harder than seeing all the money the government stole from us.
Richard was a college kid. He didn’t make a lot of money. So he gets a refund of all his withholdings.
Of course the IRS has a form to fill out so you can get the refund due a dead person. So I filled out Form 1310 and attached a copy of the court papers giving me the right to handle the legal affairs of Richard’s estate.
And it all just seems so bizarre.
He would be happy to know he was getting all his money back. I wish the check could still go to him.
Back in my college days I liked to play tennis. Never was very good at it, in fact my girl friend at the time used to beat me every time we played.
I feel like I’m back at playing tennis. But this time I’m the ball.
I’ll be depressed and in the dumps. Then – Boink – I’m on the other side of the net and thinking I might survive. Then – Whack! – back over the net I fly, into dispare again.
The shots to the feel better side of the net seem to be the nice slow easy soft ball shots. The kind that bring the other player to the net to just smash the hell out of the ball, hitting it back at you before you can get set.
After a period of being in the dumps, I had been finally starting to get some hope again.
Then my cousin’s husband posted a link to the video below on his Facebook.
This video shows a Tiawanese kid singing the Dolly Parton song “I Will Always Love You”. That haunting verse hit me. The song isn’t about a lost child. But that thought of always loving someone even when they are no longer in your life made me think of Richard.
Whack – right back in the dumps.
Then later I was reading my email. Someone sent me a link to this video.
After watching this guy – with all his physical problems I felt guilty. If he can overcome all that and still live a happy productive life, surely I can manage to overcome this grieving and face life with a positive attitude.
And now I’m floating back over the net to the better side – waiting for that next smack.
Invictus – William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
I stumbled upon this site today.
Geared toward grieving dads. Kelley Farley is a bereaved father that’s had two children die. He has decided to write a book to help grieving fathers.
His website tells his story and leads to a survey where you can tell yours.
He hopes to get enough stories about dad’s that have traveled the grief journey to put together a resource for other grieving dad’s searching for help and hope.
The project website: http://www.grievingdads.com/
Follow him on Twitter: http://twitter.com/GrievingDads