Author: Joe Mudd

  • Testing One, Two, Three…

    Testing One, Two, Three…

    It’s been there for over a year now.

    Sitting right on my computer desk.

    One of the things I brought home from Richard’s apartment was that microcassette recorder pictured above. There were several cassettes, all looking new and unused.

    I finally popped them into the recorder and hit play.

    They were mostly blank.

    But on one was Richard’s voice, “Testing one, two, three, four, five…” Yes he was thorough.

    It was nice to hear his voice again, like it sounded just 14 months ago. I wish there had been more.

    We have many videos of the kids. I haven’t developed the courage yet to watch them. But I think they were all from a time when he was young, still just a child. As he reached the teens and young adulthood he didn’t cooperate much with the movie thing.

    So this cassette may be the only recording of his adult voice.

    I’d like to hear the real thing, live.

    But maybe it’s better than nothing.

  • Another Brick on the Walk

    Another Brick on the Walk

    We have another Richard brick.

    There’s a nice little park in Frankfort, KY called Cove Spring Park. Way off in the back corner, tucked into the trees, is a beautiful memorial garden sponsored by The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY. At the center of the garden is a raised round flower bed, with a statue in the middle. Paver brick surrounds the flower bed.

    Many of those bricks have names. And dates. One has Richard’s name and his time on earth.

    Sunday they held a brick laying ceremony and a balloon release. There are now more than 100 memorial bricks in that garden. The number of  tears those bricks represent is uncountable.

    After the balloons disappeared from view we enjoyed a potluck style picnic.

    It was nice spending time, enjoying life, laughing and eating with others in TCF. People from all walks of life and different stages in the grief journey, that have become brothers and sisters because of a bond we never wanted to share.

    Click the thumbnail pictures below to see larger images.

  • Travel

    Travel

    We went on a short vacation last week.  I’m not a big fan of traveling, but I think it helped.

    Staying busy is a good thing. It helps you stay out of that dark hole grieving parents can sink into so quickly. But it seems to help more if it’s something out of the ordinary.

    I can stay busy mowing the grass or something routine like that. But I can do that on autopilot, so my mind still can think about how much I miss Richard. Doing something different keeps my brain occupied.

    We went to Mount Vernon during the beginning of our trip. I’ve always wanted to see it. Washington was our greatest leader.

    I visited him at his tomb. I had a talk with him – a silent talk – I didn’t want all those other people around me to think I was nuts.

    I asked him how he and Martha handled it, loosing a child. It was much more common back then. I’m sure it wasn’t any easier though. Yet he and others like him did handle it. And they started a new nation.

    Maybe that was their secret. Starting a country would have to keep you pretty darn busy.

  • Living the Years

    Living the Years

    I like the Abraham Lincoln quote in the picture above.

    In many ways it describes Richard’s time here on earth. He had a lot of life in those short years. We have a big montage of him. There are many pictures of him doing things, trying new stuff.  There are so many more similar pictures that didn’t make it onto the montage – we were limited to 30 or so images.

    He lived.

    And he enjoyed the living. I know that’s true because he smiled most of the time. Even when things got tough, he’d get this little grin on his face and plod onward.

    Our task as grieving parents is to start living again.

    I always admired Richard’s ability to keep his head up when faced with strong adversity. He never faced an adversity like what we face now. But I’m determined to remember his example and live up to it. I keep picturing that impish grin in my mind and plod onward.

    If you want the picture above (it makes a good wallpaper for your computer desktop) here is a link to a 1600px X 1200px version you can save to your computer.

    Lincoln quote wallpaper 274K

    And here is an even larger version, 2560px X 1600px suitable for printing.

    Lincoln quote printable 504K

  • The Camaro Conundrum

    The Camaro Conundrum

    It just never seems to be easy.

    There is a 1997 Camaro sitting in our driveway. It’s been there for several years now. It doesn’t run.

    This was Richard’s car.

    I bought it for him from the cousin of a coworker of mine while Richard was still in high school. It looks pretty good and he was rather proud of it. It only has a V-6 engine so I felt safe he wouldn’t be in too many races with it.

    The deal was I’d pay half the cost and he’d pay for half. I bought it and he didn’t have to make good on his half until he finished school. He did give me $1000 he had saved, so he had some skin in the deal.

    He never was all that mechanical. Never showed much interest in turning wrenches.

    The car overheated on him. Several times I think. In the end the head gaskets blew, and the AAA tow truck delivered it to the spot in the driveway where it still sits today.

    Replacing the head gaskets is a high dollar repair – unless you do it yourself. Richard had no interest in doing it himself. Not having a garage to work in made it a no-go for me too.

    But Richard said he wanted to fix it someday. So the car stayed in the drive.

    Recently we had some repair work done to the electric range in our kitchen. The repair tech was a chatty sort. As he was leaving, he mentioned the Camaro. He used to have several like it. I told him about the condition of ours and asked if he wanted to buy it. I gave him a pretty low price. He seemed excited about it.

    We talked about it for awhile longer and he said he wanted it. He hoped to come back that next weekend with a trailer to haul it away.

    That’s the last I heard from him. That was about 2 months ago.

    We had a yard sale this past weekend.  I thought it would be a good idea to add the car to the items for sale.

    We were talking about posting ads for some big items on Craigslist. When the subject of the car came up Debbie laughed and said she’d never forget Richard’s response when he thought I was going to sell his car one time before.

    I was home one morning and heard a knock on the front door.

    The man on my front porch said, ” I was wondering if the Camaro is for sale.”

    “I don’t know. It’s my son’s. He’s away at school. Leave your number and I’ll ask him about it. I’ll call you if he wants to get rid of it.”

    Well he was home a few days later and Debbie gave him the phone number and the news about the man wanting to buy his broke down car.

    He grabbed a piece of paper and a Sharpie. He wrote, “NOT FOR SALE” on the page in big black letters, stormed out of the house and taped his sign to the inside of the windshield and locked the doors.

    He told his mom he was going to get that car fixed someday.

    As I listened to the story and remembered the event I felt a wave of guilt sweep over me. I had almost sold Richard Camaro.

    Now I try to be logical about things.

    I don’t really care much about that car. I didn’t like driving it. It’s too low to the ground for my aging bones and from the driver’s seat the windshield seems like it stretches out for 10 feet in front of the car.

    I don’t want to do the work on it myself. It costs way more than the car’s worth to have it done by someone else.

    If you remove the emotions from the decision, the choice is clear. Sell the car. Get it out of the driveway. I don’t want it, and Richard won’t be getting it fixed.

    But there’s no way to remove the emotions.

    It was Richard’s car and he wanted to keep it. And that makes the pile of junk in the drive have a lot of emotional baggage.

    So now the Camaro is no longer for sale.

    Why does this stuff have to be so hard?