Full Moon

Are our dead children out there in heaven?

by Joe Mudd on June 23, 2011

When I got home from work the other night there was a big ol’ full moon in the midnight sky. Like I do most times the moon lights the sky, I stood there beside my car for several minutes just staring up at it.

Richard always liked the moon.

As I gazed up into the heavens I was thinking, “Richard are you up there?” In fact I even said it out loud.

Is heaven “out there”, out in space with the moon and the stars? Is Richard floating around out there somewhere?

Or is he still here on earth, but in some invisibleĀ dimension we mortals can’t see?

I passed many return trips from work listening to Leonard Susskind’s The Black Hole War on the car stereo. It made my head hurt. He talked about all manner of physics. Things like string theory. He claims there are a whole bunch of dimensions. He can’t really prove this in any concrete way, sort of how we can’t prove the existence of heaven. Yet all the data and calculations seem to say all these dimensions exist.

And another principal of physics he mentioned many times, because it is one of the core beliefs of physics… energy is never destroyed. It may change from one form to another, but energy is always conserved. It never goes away.

We are energy.

So it seems the belief that our souls live on is very possible. Physics doesn’t disprove it. We just convert to another form of energy. Move to another dimension.

That dimension could be right here on earth with us. Our kids could still be right here in the house with us, just living on another dimensional plane, out of our sight.

Or they could be out there in heaven.

Maybe on that big ol’ full moon.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Cheryl July 3, 2011 at 7:56 pm

My son Matthew was also 22 when we lost him. That was August 14, 2003 and today, almost 8 years later, I still feel the unbearable, searing, pain. I believe that God will not give you any burden you cannot bear. Yet here I am, still questioning my own will to live, wondering how I can make it through today. Matthew was a devout Christian, with a strong will, a heart of gold, and a love for his family and friends that one could never question. Above all Matthew loved God. I mourn not only my own loss, but the knowledge that the children of his brother will never know the love of their uncle, and those lost souls he sought out will never benefit from his smile and loving nature.

At times months have passed without this awful ache. But lately I cannot make a single day without totally losing control, falling to my knees, and begging God to take this hurt from me. If not permanently, at least through the night. Sleep still comes with great difficulty and nightmarish dreams, if at all.

I know that Matthew is with God, so why does this pain persist, and will I ever have peace? Perhaps in God’s time.


Heidi Bannister May 9, 2012 at 12:33 am

This makes it so difficult for me…my son,20, passed 4.5 months ago…I don’t know how I can live! How will I go another day? It doesn’t get any better, does it? This sucks!!!! I took a bottle of pills a month ago and my roommate came home when I collapsed. She called 911 and the EMT performed CPR on my until I got to the ER…I ended up on ICU and was very combative, “code green”. I then spent the week on the psyc war. Now heavily medicated, I am not better…with my appointments 30 days a part…I am struggling to live one more day until I can get in for more meds! I was dead for 30 minutes or so and never saw my son!! I am not sure if we will even be together once I die. :( How did you make it 8 years? Please help me!


Debbie Mudd July 6, 2011 at 12:49 am

I am so very sorry for the pain you are suffering. I know how you feel; the pain is so very great at times you wonder how you can possibly go on. No one can tell you how to get through those times, or how to grieve. I wake up every day and have to remind myself Richard is gone and I won’t be seeing him again in this world. And it is hard.
But he taught me a lot, that little guy. He taught me joy in the way he tackled anything that came his way. Richard lived his life to the fullest all his short 22 years, rarely letting anything keep him down. His smile could light up a room and melt your heart.

Those are the things that get me through…remembering his joy and happiness just to be alive and looking for the next challenge. Richard left us with a lot of wonderful memories that give me strength. And I use those memories every day. I think he would be very disappointed in me if I let his passing cause me to just give up. He didn’t let his suffering slow him down, or stop him from trying to be the best he could be, how can I honor his memory by doing any less.

Our son had a very strong faith, like your Matthew. I think that faith gave him the strength he needed to keep going. How can I not try to do the same when we are the ones who taught him to rely on that faith?

When I see Richard’s friends or people who knew him one of the things they alway speak of is his smile and his humor. I know he touched the lives of many in his too short time on this earth and he brought a smile or some joy into every life he touched. They will remember him in some way, and will tell someone sometime about something he said or did. Or they will remember a remark he made that will help them in some way. This is another thing that keeps me going.

I know God didn’t give us our beautiful son just to take him away without reason, though I don’t know that reason. I do believe he brought the love of God to many of the people who came into his life. This keeps me going.

I mourn the loss of our beautiful son every day, I miss him terribly. But I believe he is with Jesus and is watching me, I have disappointed him in the past in some ways. I can’t disappoint him by not celebrating the wonderful live he had and honor his memory.

I think when our daughter has children, and Richard’s cousins have children, they will be telling stories in the future of this amazing young man who used to aggravate them and tease them terribly, but alway made them laugh and smile.

I am so very blessed to have my husband, this is his blog, his support and the support of our family, the many prayers of our friends and support of our parish help, then there’s “The Compassionate Friends” support group to help.

I can’t tell you how to get through your days and night of grief, it is different for all of us on this terrible journey through grief. These are just some things that have helped me.

You’re right when you say God doesn’t give us more than we can bear, and some days I have to repeat that to myself over and over again. I am repeatedly reminded we are not alone in our suffering, I look to the example of Mary, Mother of Jesus, who watched her Son suffer and die in a horrible way, and know she suffers along with all of us who’s children die too soon.

I hope God will bless you with some peace and ease your pain. Please know we share that pain no matter where we are, we suffer together on this painful journey.

I do hope I have been of some help to you, God Bless.
Debbie Mudd


RoseMary Brown July 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Heidi, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my son on June 2nd just 7 1/2 weeks ago and I’m going thru the same thing you are. People tell me it gets easier and it has not. My son was 24 years old, he was killed in a car accident. If it were not for my daughters I would not be able to go on without him. My big hope at this time is for the End of the World. I am so ready to be with him. Please God- let it be soon!


Heidi Bannister July 24, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Thank you Rosemary for your response. I am on a few meds now that won’t allow my stomach to get into knots and relieves my brain of bad thoughts or to have sad feelings. I have been totally against mind altering drugs and now live by them. I have been attending the compassionate friends and find its a safe place to vent and talk about my son because talking with friends and family add extra pressure. I have difficulties dealing with pleasure. I feel I can’t enjoy lifes pleasures without guilt. I am working on that, if anyone deserves pleasure it’s me, however that’s a tough one to get through my head. These days turn to nights and nights into days…I don’t know how I made it this far! I guess if it weren’t for the meds I don’t know what I would do. I’m on an anti-suicide/anti-depressent and a med for rage. Get yourself help! I have gained 30lbs taking them but my sanity is more important than my vanity. Sorry I am all over the place, I have a difficult time concentrating on the same task.


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