Dennis Apple, author of Life After The Death of My Son: What I’m Learning, sent a note the other day telling me about a Compassionate Friends (TCF) regional conference that he’s part of. So I thought I’d share some info here about a couple of upcoming TCF regional conferences.

Sunflowers of Hope Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends

This conference is hosted by the Johnson County, KS chapter of TCF, and Dennis Apple and his wife Buelah will be doing a workshop.

When:
February 17 & 18, 2012

Where:
The DoubleTree Hotel
US Highway 69 and College Blvd
Overland Park,  Kansas

There are special rates available at the hotel for conference attendees.

Get More Info:
You can get full conference details and registration instructions at the following website,
http://www.jocotcf.org/?page_id=209 

“Wilderness of Grief, Is There Hope?” Frankfort, KY Regional Conference

This one’s a bit closer to home for us, and we plan to attend.

When:
March 23 & 24, 2012

Where:
Capital Plaza Hotel
405 Wilkinson Blvd
Frankfort, KY 40601

There is a block of rooms reserved for conference attendees at a discount rate of $79 + tax. Mention TCF when you make your reservations at (502)-227-5100.

Get More Info:
You can find more details, contact info and registration form at their website,
http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com

We just attended our second TCF Frankfort KY Regional Conference, titled “Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love.” This conference was scheduled for Friday and Saturday at the Capital Plaza Hotel in Frankfort, KY.

The Best Plans of Mice and Grieving Parents

We only live 30 minutes from the conference site, but we planned to spend the night at the hotel on Friday. It’s just more relaxing and simpler to just walk down the stairs from our room to the Saturday morning breakfast, rather than getting up early enough to drive in from home. We also get a chance to meet more people attending.

But we have once again been reminded we aren’t in charge of life.

My uncle Nick died a week before the conference. The funeral mass was to be on the Saturday morning of the conference. Se we canceled our hotel room and only went to the Friday session.

Are Conferences a Good Thing?

I’m still not sure how I feel about these events.

It’s good to be with other bereaved parents. They know what we’re going through. The folks that have been missing their children for many years and have found a way to rebuild their lives are inspiration. Getting a chance to share experiences and feelings with others in the same boat helps us see we’re not alone, and the things we feel don’t mean we’re crazy.

But I wonder if going through these events makes us just keep remembering the pain and hold on to it longer. Is it healthy to keep reminding ourselves of how unhappy we are? I’m not sure. I’m leaning toward the benefits are bigger than the risks.

I also think we need to be there to help other, newer grieving parents if we can.

The Sessions

Our Friday session began with a welcome from our chapter leader, Dusty Rhodes. We then had a nice talk by Pat Loder, the current Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends. After a short break we had our first workshop session.

I went to “The Workplace and Grieving” workshop. The main take-away from this session was employers have no idea how to deal with bereaved parents. I understand this. We’re all different. Employers can’t have a nice step-by-step management plan, so the current plan seems to be just ignore the issue.  They also have no idea how long this problem takes for us to deal with and regain our balance. They don’t like problems that last for years. Newsflash for you – we don’t either.

The next workshop session didn’t have anything that really jumped out at me, so I picked “Impact of Stillborn & Infant Death.” I chose that because I have a friend and former coworker that had a miscarriage. I wanted to learn more about the issues people like her face. I don’t think our society does a good job of supporting parents in this situation. It was interesting to listen to the other couples there.

The Slideshow

Dinner followed the two workshop sessions. We had a speaker during dinner, a former TCF Executive Director whose name I didn’t write down. He gave a good talk. He was a pinch hitter for Gen. Mark Graham who was scheduled to give the dinner time presentation, but military duties called him away. The general made a video for us and we watched that.

A short session of music followed, featuring Alan Pedersen, P. Taylor Reed and Mitch Carmody.

Next was the slideshow where slides of our children were shown on two large screens. There were many infants and small children, but it seemed that most of the slides pictured teens and young adults, like Richard. So many bright, beautiful young lives gone too soon.

Unlike last year I hadn’t heard many sobs or seen many tears in the early sessions, but this changed with the slide show. It’s just so hard to see your kid up there.  My eyes were watery and Debbie was sobbing when Richard’s smiling face hit the screen.

Candle Lighting

It began with a few short readings by local chapter members, including Debbie (pictured above). I don’t know how she was able to read after the emotional slideshow session. She’s one brave and strong lady.

We each processed to the front to light our candles and say “We light this candle in memory of our son Richard Mudd” into the microphone. Of course, other parents/grandparents/siblings said the name of their lost loved one. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Then we all held our candles up as Alan Pedersen sang.

There is a powerful feeling in the air during these candle lighting ceremonies. It’s something you can feel. Very intense.

We took another short break.

Mitch Carmody was scheduled for a session called “Whispers of Love, Signs from our Children” which sounded interesting but we had to leave.

We checked out the vendor tables when we were leaving. I think there was a celebrity at the conference. Dennis Apple had some of his books on the table for sale. I didn’t get to meet him, but someone told me they spoke to him, and his son’s picture was in the slideshow, so I think he must have been there. I recommended the book to a couple of people I saw looking at it.

Being a grieving dad is no fun. It has all this emotion stuff. Let’s face it, most of us guys aren’t too good with that kind of stuff. And the resources geared toward grieving dads seem to be limited.

Kelley Farley, a two time grieving dad, is trying to improve that. He’s working on a book for and about grieving dads. He also has a blog.

One of the posts on Kelly’s blog, Nightmares Have Taken the Place of Dreams, has become something of a meeting place for dads trying to deal with the loss of a child.

In his blog post he shares the story of Jody Dark Eagle Breedlove, who lost his son to suicide two years ago. It is a very powerful story and a testimony of the struggles of dealing with this sort of huge loss.

Other dads left encouragement for Jody in the comments. Jody responded.

The post was written in June. It has continued to be a place where dads come to post in the comments when they need a little help from their fellow grieving dads. It’s not the normal way blog posts work, but there’s really nothing normal about dealing with the loss of a child.

So maybe you might like to check it out. You should probably bookmark it so you don’t have to search for it every time you go on Kelley’s blog like I do.

Oh, if you leave a comment make sure to check the box to get notified when a new comment is added so you can stay in touch.

Both days of the recent conference by TCF Frankfort, KY opened in a session with Darcie Sims. She told us, “I’m probably the oldest member of TCF,” at least based on the time she’s been a bereaved mom – 34 years. In fact she was one of the early leaders in growing TCF into a national organization.

If you go to her website you’ll find enough letters after her name to keep Vanna White busy for awhile. Letters like Ph.D., CHT, CT, and GMS. I have no idea what most of those mean except the lady has some serious training.

And that training did nothing to prepare her for the pain and grief she experienced when her son “Big A” died.

The first day she went through her experience as a bereaved parent.

It was a standup comedy act with tear jerking insights tossed in. That’s right, she had a room full of grieving parents, siblings, and grandparents laughing often.  Like all good humor, her jokes and comments were funny because they hit at the heart of reality.

At her first Compassionate Friends meeting she told about the leader’s innovative technique, having them all sit in a circle and touch knees. Sit on the chair with their legs spread so their knees would be touching their neighbors. Pretty dumb idea right? But no one questioned it. Because we grieving parents are crazy and we’ll do most anything to take away the pain. She did note the women wore pants after the first meeting.

She informed those of us that are still in our “year of firsts” that we’ve had it easy so far. The second year is harder. As she explained, “at first we’re frozen.” After the first year we thaw out. Then we really feel the pain.

That’s a very chilling thought.

We’re attending the regional conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY this weekend.

The conference began in the main conference room of the Capital Plaza Hotel. The tables were very nicely decorated.

But I have to tell you, this is the first party I’ve ever been to with such unusual table decorations. Part of the decorations, right there with the center piece was a box of tissue.

They also provided each of us with a goodie bag. And there was a pack of tissues in there too.

Just a hint of the hard work in front of us.

We’ve been doing some crafts lately. Making some pretty horseshoes.

We’ll be going to the Frankfort Compassionate Friends regional conference this coming weekend. The people attending the conference will receive a gift bag. I don’t know what all will be in that bag, but I do know it will have a real nice horseshoe.

The idea of a conference for people that have lost a child just seems so wrong.

But there are a bunch of us out there.

The conference is named “Remembering, Helping, Healing.” I know all of us grieving parents need those things.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

“Our” chapter of The Compassionate Friends launched a new website recently.

If you live near Frankfort, KY and have lost a child or sibling you should check them out.

They’re having a conference in March. Details are at the website:

http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com/

GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.

GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try it before making a donation.

I joined the group for parents that have lost an adult child.

The best I can tell, there is no access to past emails for the group. You only get an email if a parent sends one to the group. You then get all the replies to that email by other members. Traffic has been pretty slow in this group so far. Of course I could send an email to the group. But I don’t really know what I’d say or ask. It’s easier for me to join in a conversation that’s already started.

I would get more out of GriefNet if it was set up as forums rather than email groups. If there were forums we could go back and view past topics. Forums also let users add profile information if they feel comfortable doing so. It would help me to see something about the other people I’m sharing my life with here. With the email group all I see is a name. I just don’t feel that connected. I must admit I’m not really fond of email groups and that may affect my opinion about this. If you like email groups this may work great for you.

GriefNet has a library of articles on their website. It isn’t specific to bereaved parents, but there is some interesting stuff there.

They also appear to have a place for you to setup a “virtual memorial” for your child. I didn’t set one up for Richard yet and I may not because this blog sort of serves that purpose. I didn’t see anything about charges for this service, so I assume it is free.

Visit the GriefNet.org site here:

http://www.griefnet

I always take off from work several days before the Christmas break. I did so this year too.

So I was able to go to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends at our local chapter in Frankfort KY last night.  This is one of the more active chapters going. They hold a meeting twice each month. The norm is once per month.

There were four men there. We were out numbered by the ladies by about 2 to 1. Of the four men, three of us are named Joe. I have no idea if that means anything, but it’s interesting anyway.

The meeting started with each of us introducing ourselves and telling a little about our child. Counting Debbie and myself there were three of us that had lost our child within the past 6 months. At the other end of the spectrum there was a couple that lost their child nearly 21 years ago.

This led into a natural spin off to issues of handling grief.

As expected, those of us that have recently become bereaved parents still feel pain in a very raw and overwhelming way. What really made an impact on me is how intrense that pain still is for those parents that have been facing this problem for years. I knew it would be something that we’d never really “get over” but I didn’t really realize just how powerful that feeling remains. This is a long hard road that lays before us.

We had a long discussion about getting through the Christmas season.

Almost none of the people there listen to Christmas music. Even those that lost a child years ago. One of the couples said they no longer exchange gifts. One said he avoids going into Walmart during the holiday season. This must mean he only goes in there about half the year, because it seems they start playing Christmas music right after the 4th of July holiday.

The general consensus was the desire to fast forward past the holidays completely.

Yep, I agree the holidays are really tough. I’ve been on the edge for the past month. But I don’t want to completely avoid everyone during the season. My family has been a big part of surviving this for both of us. I still want to be with them on Christmas. I would like to skip the gift giving part though.

We had a little food and fellowship. Just talking about our kids and our grief experience with people that are living it too.

Our friends and family want to help, but they have no idea how. We have no idea how either. But TCF gives us a chance to spend time with people that understand this horrible mess in a way no one else can.

It’s a long hard road. Maybe it’s best to not travel it alone.

Grief Support After the Death of a Child

“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

—Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

Compassionate Friends is one of the largest support groups for bereaved parents and families.

They offer several written resources on their website.

They have resources for siblings and grandparents as well as for the parents of a lost child.

They also have a weekly one hour radio show dealing with different aspects of life after the loss of a child. You can find an archive of past shows on the website that you can download as an mp3 file.

But the biggest feature of Compassionate Friends are the local chapters.

At your local chapter you can meet other people that have traveled this road in life. We are not alone. And only people that have experienced this grief really understand it. Sometime it helps to talk to people that have been there. People that have survived this ordeal. That can offer you hope.

Most chapters meet once a month, but the chapter nearest us meets twice monthly.

If you’ve lost a child Compassionate Friends should be one of the first places you go for help.

Find Them Here:

Website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Compassionate-FriendsUSA/90757574245