We have another Richard brick.

There’s a nice little park located in Frankfort, KY called Cove Spring Park. Way off in the back corner, tucked into the trees is a beautiful memorial garden sponsored by The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY. At the center of the garden is a raised round flower bed, with a statue in the middle. Paver brick surround the flower bed.

Many of those bricks have names. And dates. One has Richard’s name and his time on earth.

Sunday they held a brick laying ceremony and a balloon release. There are now more than 100 memorial bricks in that garden. The number of  tears those bricks represent is uncountable.

After the balloons disappeared from view we enjoyed a potluck style picnic.

It was nice spending time, enjoying life, laughing and eating with others in TCF. People from all walks of life and different stages in the grief journey, that have become brothers and sisters because of a bond we never wanted to share.

Click the thumbnail pictures below to see larger images.

I stumbled upon this site today.

Geared toward grieving dads. Kelley Farley is a bereaved father that’s had two children die. He has decided to write a book to help grieving fathers.

His website tells his story and leads to a survey where you can tell yours.

He hopes to get enough stories about dad’s that have traveled the grief journey to put together a resource for other grieving dad’s searching for help and hope.

Resource Links:

The project website: http://www.grievingdads.com/

Follow him on Twitter: http://twitter.com/GrievingDads

It seems most of the books about surviving the loss of a child are written by women.

This probably isn’t a surprise. Grieving is all about feelings. Most of us guys get queazy when we have to deal with feelings. We just don’t talk about feelings much. We have them, but we would rather you didn’t know about them.

Dads grieve different.

In our gift bag at the recent TCF conference in Frankfort, KY there was a book written by a dad.

Charlie Walton and his wife lost two of their sons in an accident. He shares his experiences in his book When There Are No Words.

It’s interesting, entertaining and short. I read it in a couple of nights.

I’ve had similar experiences. Mostly.

His story of standing in the shower on the night of his son’s death, trying unsuccessfully to cry was one of those.

I found out about Richard while I was at work. My conversation with the coroner was strangely business like. As I was driving home my body felt like I was crying, but no tears came out.

When I got home Debbie met me in the driveway. We hugged. All the physical stuff that happens when you cry was going on. I could feel my body shuddering. The right sounds came out. There were no tears. I was wondering what was wrong with me.

And this continued.

Later I looked out the front door and saw Debbie pacing on the sidewalk. She was smoking. I went out to join her – with the pacing, not the smoking.

When Richard was a baby he was a thumb sucker. While Debbie rocked him to sleep, he would work on that thumb and he’d rub her gown between his other thumb and forefinger. He liked the silky feel. Eventually Debbie had to cut up one of her old gowns to give him. It became “his rag.” He had to have it to go to sleep.

If we were away from home his rag went with us. If it got left behind when we came back, I’d have to make an emergency return trip to fetch his rag. It was the only way to have peace. So eventually we had a spare rag for use when we forgot the one he carried around.

When I joined Debbie on the sidewalk I noticed she had Richard’s rag in her hand. The sight of that rag – long packed away in the cedar chest for safekeeping until one of Richard’s future children needed it – broke the damn. Tears flowed.

Another of Charlie’s experiences that hit home was the guilt thing.

Dad’s are supposed to be the protectors. At least that’s what we think. When our kids die, it seems pretty obvious we didn’t protect so well. It was a big issue then and it still is today. Working on it.

During the holiday seasons, Charlie and his wife get out of town. They don’t want to be around the family.

This hasn’t been our approach.

Our family get togethers still give us comfort. Not having Richard there is tough. There’s no doubt about that. But we’d still be missing him if we didn’t go to the family gatherings. Not attending family events to avoid missing him would just spotlight his absence.

At least that’s how I feel about it.

When There Are No Words. is a good book. It’s worth reading.

Resource Links:

Get the book at Amazon.

After your child dies you become desperate for something that helps ease the pain. Anything that will bring healing.

One tool often recommended by counselors is journal writing. A journal gives you a place to put your thoughts, frustrations, remembrances.

This blog is my version of a journal.

I’ve found it helps to get some of these overwhelming thoughts out of my head. I’m not sure how it works or why, but sending my thoughts out into the ether of the blogosphere seems to bring me comfort.

At the recent TCF regional conference we attended, author and bereaved mom Alice J. Wisler conducted a workshop on journal writing. While it’s too late for you to attend her workshop, Alice can still help you with your journal writing.

She periodically offers a course, Writing the Heartache, providing lessons. In this five week course Alice sends out lessons via email. You send your assignments back to her for critique, suggestions and support.

She’s starting a new session Apr 12.

Resource Links

Get more details and sign up for the course here.

Alice J. Wisler’s website.

Alice J. Wisler’s Facebook Fan Page

Both days of the recent conference by TCF Frankfort, KY opened in a session with Darcie Sims. She told us, “I’m probably the oldest member of TCF,” at least based on the time she’s been a bereaved mom – 34 years. In fact she was one of the early leaders in growing TCF into a national organization.

If you go to her website you’ll find enough letters after her name to keep Vanna White busy for awhile. Letters like Ph.D., CHT, CT, and GMS. I have no idea what most of those mean except the lady has some serious training.

And that training did nothing to prepare her for the pain and grief she experienced when her son “Big A” died.

The first day she went through her experience as a bereaved parent.

It was a standup comedy act with tear jerking insights tossed in. That’s right, she had a room full of grieving parents, siblings, and grandparents laughing often.  Like all good humor, her jokes and comments were funny because they hit at the heart of reality.

At her first Compassionate Friends meeting she told about the leader’s innovative technique, having them all sit in a circle and touch knees. Sit on the chair with their legs spread so their knees would be touching their neighbors. Pretty dumb idea right? But no one questioned it. Because we grieving parents are crazy and we’ll do most anything to take away the pain. She did note the women wore pants after the first meeting.

She informed those of us that are still in our “year of firsts” that we’ve had it easy so far. The second year is harder. As she explained, “at first we’re frozen.” After the first year we thaw out. Then we really feel the pain.

That’s a very chilling thought.

We’re attending the regional conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY this weekend.

The conference began in the main conference room of the Capital Plaza Hotel. The tables were very nicely decorated.

But I have to tell you, this is the first party I’ve ever been to with such unusual table decorations. Part of the decorations, right there with the center piece was a box of tissue.

They also provided each of us with a goodie bag. And there was a pack of tissues in there too.

Just a hint of the hard work in front of us.

We’ve been doing some crafts lately. Making some pretty horseshoes.

We’ll be going to the Frankfort Compassionate Friends regional conference this coming weekend. The people attending the conference will receive a gift bag. I don’t know what all will be in that bag, but I do know it will have a real nice horseshoe.

The idea of a conference for people that have lost a child just seems so wrong.

But there are a bunch of us out there.

The conference is named “Remembering, Helping, Healing.” I know all of us grieving parents need those things.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

“Our” chapter of The Compassionate Friends launched a new website recently.

If you live near Frankfort, KY and have lost a child or sibling you should check them out.

They’re having a conference in March. Details are at the website:

http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com/

GriefNet provides email support groups for all areas of grief. There are thirteen groups listed for loss of a child.

GriefNet asks for a $10 per month donation to be part of a group. They say no one is turned away for financial reasons. They do offer a one month free trial so you can try it before making a donation.

I joined the group for parents that have lost an adult child.

The best I can tell, there is no access to past emails for the group. You only get an email if a parent sends one to the group. You then get all the replies to that email by other members. Traffic has been pretty slow in this group so far. Of course I could send an email to the group. But I don’t really know what I’d say or ask. It’s easier for me to join in a conversation that’s already started.

I would get more out of GriefNet if it was set up as forums rather than email groups. If there were forums we could go back and view past topics. Forums also let users add profile information if they feel comfortable doing so. It would help me to see something about the other people I’m sharing my life with here. With the email group all I see is a name. I just don’t feel that connected. I must admit I’m not really fond of email groups and that may affect my opinion about this. If you like email groups this may work great for you.

GriefNet has a library of articles on their website. It isn’t specific to bereaved parents, but there is some interesting stuff there.

They also appear to have a place for you to setup a “virtual memorial” for your child. I didn’t set one up for Richard yet and I may not because this blog sort of serves that purpose. I didn’t see anything about charges for this service, so I assume it is free.

Visit the GriefNet.org site here:

http://www.griefnet

Dealing with the loss of a child is exhausting. After reading On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler I understand why. Grieving is hard work.

I never knew there was so much to deal with.

First the authors outline five stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I think that last one is misnamed. I would call it Resignation. I may have to resign myself to the reality of Richard’s death, but I’ll never accept it. It’s unacceptable – I just can’t do anything about it.

Unfortunately this list isn’t a follow-the-dots pathway to healing. We are all different. We grieve differently. These are just general guidelines of what to expect.

Then there are what the book calls the “Inner World of Grief.” This section of the book goes through the many different things we grieve for when we lose someone. This shows why grieving is so hard – it’s just so complex.

The section on regrets hit home for me. There are the obvious regrets of not doing something to prevent Richard’s death. Of not seeing the signs. But there is also the regret of what will be missed.

I didn’t just love Richard, I also liked him. I enjoyed being around him. If I had been his peer instead of his parent, I’m certain we’d have been pals. I was looking forward to that time when our parent – child relationship could change to a friendship. That transformation had in fact already begun. I was looking forward to going to ballgames with him, and maybe doing a business venture with him.

That lost future is a big grieving area for me.

The book also covers the “Outer World of Grief.” About dealing with the rest of the world while we deal with the pain. About anniversaries, holidays, health changes and more.

The authors then cover some specific circumstances such as death and children, suicide, sudden death and others.

It’s a detailed look at grief. It covers a lot of ground and I’m sure many of the topics will bring you insight.

The biggest lesson I’ve taken from the book is to not look for the easy out. There isn’t one. We have to find our own path, and we’ll stumble and fall many times along the way. Our society doesn’t support grieving people very well. We all think a person should “be over it” in a few months. We won’t.

Reading this book could help you deal with that.

Resources:
On Grief and Grieving