Dennis Apple, author of Life After The Death of My Son: What I’m Learning, sent a note the other day telling me about a Compassionate Friends (TCF) regional conference that he’s part of. So I thought I’d share some info here about a couple of upcoming TCF regional conferences.

Sunflowers of Hope Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends

This conference is hosted by the Johnson County, KS chapter of TCF, and Dennis Apple and his wife Buelah will be doing a workshop.

When:
February 17 & 18, 2012

Where:
The DoubleTree Hotel
US Highway 69 and College Blvd
Overland Park,  Kansas

There are special rates available at the hotel for conference attendees.

Get More Info:
You can get full conference details and registration instructions at the following website,
http://www.jocotcf.org/?page_id=209 

“Wilderness of Grief, Is There Hope?” Frankfort, KY Regional Conference

This one’s a bit closer to home for us, and we plan to attend.

When:
March 23 & 24, 2012

Where:
Capital Plaza Hotel
405 Wilkinson Blvd
Frankfort, KY 40601

There is a block of rooms reserved for conference attendees at a discount rate of $79 + tax. Mention TCF when you make your reservations at (502)-227-5100.

Get More Info:
You can find more details, contact info and registration form at their website,
http://thecompassionatefriendsfrankfortky.com

There are certain truisms in life. One of them is that it goes against the natural order of things to bury one’s child. However, as bereaved mothers we can no longer believe in natural order. Our comfortable, secure lives, our innocence, all were shattered with the deaths of our children. Now our reality is upside down, inside out and far removed from what we thought it would be.
- Beyond Tears 

Nine Bereaved Moms Share Their Stories

Beyond Tears contains the stories of nine bereaved mothers. They have similar backgrounds, each losing a child that was a teen or young adult. They met at Compassionate Friends and became close. They have moved along their grief journey to a point of healing they share in this book.

They call people that have never experienced the loss of a child “civilians.” I thought that was sort of funny.

Like probably all of us that have found new friends because we’ve joined the Grieving Parents Club, they express this sentiment:

We are the closest of fiends. We share the deepest intimacies of our lives. We wish we had never met.

At the very least we wish we had met under different circumstances.

The ladies share their thoughts and experiences of losing their children. Chapters deal with the first year, finding help, redefining our existence, coping and dealing with all those special days – birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.

They also touch on a subject you don’t see much about in a chapter titled, “Intimacy.”

The anquish of losing a child pollutes every close relationship. It seeks to destroy our ties to our spouses, to our remaining children, to our parents, to cherished friends, to everyone close to us. Each tie is torn to shreds and brutally examined under a high-powered microscope before it can be pieced back together.

In some cases the pieces will never again mesh and the bond will break. Those relationships that survive will be forever changed because we are changed. We are never the same people we were before the death. The person we become has to learn anew to love and live with those we loved and lived with before, or perhaps to go a seperate way.

The death becomes a giant black hole in our midst.

The death of our children is so totally all consuming. “Civilians” as the ladies call them, don’t understand this, even though they try. They become impatient with us and we with them.

This book, like all the others on grieving I’ve read, illustrate how different we all are. What works for one grieving parent doesn’t for another. What happens quickly for one may take years for someone else.

This difference in grieving styles is a major stress factor between husband and wife.

The Ladies Share the Podium

This book is about the experiences of nine moms, and eight of the ten chapters are about their experiences.

But they let the dads have one chapter.

And yes, men are different than women. We’re not as public with feelings. But we have them. We can share them, but I know for me, it doesn’t come naturally.

I found a blog post by a fellow grieving dad once, where I and several other dads shared our thoughts with one another. We supported each other. But that only lasted for a short time, then we all just sort of faded away.

All that sharing takes a lot out of you. It requires energy. It’s also a constant reminder of the deep down sadness we feel. There are enough reminders of that.

Anyway, in chapter nine the dad’s get their say.

The last chapter is one I’m really glad to see. In chapter ten the “Siblings Speak.” The adult children left behind share their experience.

This is something I worry about. Our daughter Sarah lost her baby brother when we lost our son. In a way she also lost her parents, because our grief was so consuming.

She’s an amazing young woman and very detail oriented. We leaned on her a lot to get Richard’s funeral planned. I’m sure that wasn’t fair to her, but she didn’t complain.

I wonder how this has all been for her. We don’t talk about it. I’m not sure how to even bring it up, and I don’t think she would be real comfortable talking to me about it. But I worry about her.

I think Beyond Tears is worth reading. I found a lot of stories I can relate to. Through these stories I also learned there is hope. It will always be a struggle, but if we keep moving forward, just one step at a time, we will eventually find a life worth living – different yes, but a life still.

Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child, Revised Edition

We’ve seen a lot of ideas for creating memorials since we began this journey of dealing with Richards death. We’ve received many as gifts from people that cared about Richard and us.

We get reminded of one every time we go to our church.  Last year a dogwood tree was planted on the church campus in memory of Richard.

Right now that tree is bloomed out and beautiful. It’s still a small tree, but it’s showing off right now.

Richard's dogwood showing off.

I appreciate this remembrance of our son. There is comfort in this enduring tribute. Knowing year after year this tree will decorate our little corner of the world with its flowery display. As it calls attention to itself, it will also remind all that see it of Richard’s existence on the earth.

This memorial plaque is at the base of the tree.

I can imagine many years from now, when we are gone too, people coming to church in the spring will come over to admire the beautiful dogwood blossoms.

They’ll see the plaque and say, “Who was Richard Mudd?”

He’ll be the mystery man.

They’ll probably think he was a big donor to the church. Figure him for a big money, high roller kind of guy. Well, maybe he would have been someday.

But they’ll have something to think about, and Richard will be remembered for many years – even by people that will never know him.

If your looking for a lasting memorial as a tribute to a lost loved one, or as a gift to the bereaved, you should consider a nice flowering tree.

We just attended our second TCF Frankfort KY Regional Conference, titled “Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love.” This conference was scheduled for Friday and Saturday at the Capital Plaza Hotel in Frankfort, KY.

The Best Plans of Mice and Grieving Parents

We only live 30 minutes from the conference site, but we planned to spend the night at the hotel on Friday. It’s just more relaxing and simpler to just walk down the stairs from our room to the Saturday morning breakfast, rather than getting up early enough to drive in from home. We also get a chance to meet more people attending.

But we have once again been reminded we aren’t in charge of life.

My uncle Nick died a week before the conference. The funeral mass was to be on the Saturday morning of the conference. Se we canceled our hotel room and only went to the Friday session.

Are Conferences a Good Thing?

I’m still not sure how I feel about these events.

It’s good to be with other bereaved parents. They know what we’re going through. The folks that have been missing their children for many years and have found a way to rebuild their lives are inspiration. Getting a chance to share experiences and feelings with others in the same boat helps us see we’re not alone, and the things we feel don’t mean we’re crazy.

But I wonder if going through these events makes us just keep remembering the pain and hold on to it longer. Is it healthy to keep reminding ourselves of how unhappy we are? I’m not sure. I’m leaning toward the benefits are bigger than the risks.

I also think we need to be there to help other, newer grieving parents if we can.

The Sessions

Our Friday session began with a welcome from our chapter leader, Dusty Rhodes. We then had a nice talk by Pat Loder, the current Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends. After a short break we had our first workshop session.

I went to “The Workplace and Grieving” workshop. The main take-away from this session was employers have no idea how to deal with bereaved parents. I understand this. We’re all different. Employers can’t have a nice step-by-step management plan, so the current plan seems to be just ignore the issue.  They also have no idea how long this problem takes for us to deal with and regain our balance. They don’t like problems that last for years. Newsflash for you – we don’t either.

The next workshop session didn’t have anything that really jumped out at me, so I picked “Impact of Stillborn & Infant Death.” I chose that because I have a friend and former coworker that had a miscarriage. I wanted to learn more about the issues people like her face. I don’t think our society does a good job of supporting parents in this situation. It was interesting to listen to the other couples there.

The Slideshow

Dinner followed the two workshop sessions. We had a speaker during dinner, a former TCF Executive Director whose name I didn’t write down. He gave a good talk. He was a pinch hitter for Gen. Mark Graham who was scheduled to give the dinner time presentation, but military duties called him away. The general made a video for us and we watched that.

A short session of music followed, featuring Alan Pedersen, P. Taylor Reed and Mitch Carmody.

Next was the slideshow where slides of our children were shown on two large screens. There were many infants and small children, but it seemed that most of the slides pictured teens and young adults, like Richard. So many bright, beautiful young lives gone too soon.

Unlike last year I hadn’t heard many sobs or seen many tears in the early sessions, but this changed with the slide show. It’s just so hard to see your kid up there.  My eyes were watery and Debbie was sobbing when Richard’s smiling face hit the screen.

Candle Lighting

It began with a few short readings by local chapter members, including Debbie (pictured above). I don’t know how she was able to read after the emotional slideshow session. She’s one brave and strong lady.

We each processed to the front to light our candles and say “We light this candle in memory of our son Richard Mudd” into the microphone. Of course, other parents/grandparents/siblings said the name of their lost loved one. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Then we all held our candles up as Alan Pedersen sang.

There is a powerful feeling in the air during these candle lighting ceremonies. It’s something you can feel. Very intense.

We took another short break.

Mitch Carmody was scheduled for a session called “Whispers of Love, Signs from our Children” which sounded interesting but we had to leave.

We checked out the vendor tables when we were leaving. I think there was a celebrity at the conference. Dennis Apple had some of his books on the table for sale. I didn’t get to meet him, but someone told me they spoke to him, and his son’s picture was in the slideshow, so I think he must have been there. I recommended the book to a couple of people I saw looking at it.

Heaven is real.

Can there be more important or beautiful words that any grieving parents could hear?

Yeah, there could be better words. “Honey, wake up! You’re having a nightmare,” or “There’s been a big mistake, your son isn’t dead, he’s just been in the witness protection program. But it’s all OK now, so he can come back into your life again,” come to mind.

But it’s pretty clear those words aren’t going to be played sweetly to our ears. Learning that heaven really exists is our greatest source of hope.

Todd Burpo says he has proof, Heaven is real.

Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back is his book. He shares the story of his 4 year old son Colton’s trip to heaven.

The early parts of this book were hard for me to read. Colton was in the Intensive Care Unit. Been there, done that, and don’t want the damned t-shirt. It brought back a lot of hard memories. It was intensely stressful – I think that’s where the “Intensive” part of the name comes from.

Like Colton, Richard recovered and came home from the hospital. Unfortunately Richard also came home with scar tissue in his brain that would cause him to have seizures and ultimately kill him.

Colton was touch-and-go, the doctors didn’t have much hope for him.

But Colton made a miraculous recovery. He also came home from the hospital. He came home with stories about Heaven.

Some of the things in this book will make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. For example, Colton was able to tell his parents things they were doing while he was out of it and in surgery. He couldn’t have possibly known what they were doing, each in a separate room and not with Colton. It gets your attention.

Much of this story seems too perfect. The author, a pastor at Crossroads Wesleyan Church in Imperial, Nebraska, takes every detail of Colton’s story and matchs it perfectly with Bible scripture. It just seems too pat and lines up so well it’s hard to believe. Mr. Burpo could say anything he wants in his book. It just might be all made up.

But it might also all be real.

Debbie and I were talking about this. She made the comment,

“If they had listened to the prophets back in Biblical times, we wouldn’t have all the problems we do now.”  She thinks we need to listen to the prophets God sends to us today. And this little boy just may be one of those prophets.

You can read the book and come to your own opinion.

Several months before his death, Richard was home for the weekend and he was looking at one of my bookcases. On one shelf he spotted a stack of books about seizures and epilepsy.

He looked at them and asked me, “Why do you have all these?”

“Because you have that little time bomb in your head, and I thought we should find out about it. Maybe find something that can help.” I told him.

He just sighed and shook his head at me.

That’s just how I am. If something interests me, or bothers me, I try to learn as much as I can about it. I buy a lot of books.

So it should be no surprise I have a large and growing collection of books about grieving and the loss of a child.

I just finished Dennis Apple’s life after the death of my son: what i’m learning.

I read this book faster than any other grieving book I’ve owned… except for Good Grief, which is so small it hardly counts.

Dennis and Buelah Apple’s son Denny died on this day in 1991. I guess this review is my tribute on the 20 year anniversary of his death.

Dennis Apple kept journals of his experiences after the death of his son. A lot of journals. In this book he shares what he went through in those early years and expands on the lessons learned. He deals candidly with it all… from the pain, the marriage issues, and his doubts about God and religion to finding his way toward healing.

This is Super Bowl Sunday so one of the comparisons he makes is appropriate on this day. He equates learning to deal with our grief to great athletes learning to play with pain. Play with pain. I really think that’s the goal now. I think it will always be there, so we have to learn to live with it.

Another part of his story that really hit home for me are the issues of faith. Mr. Apple is a minister and on the pastoral staff at College Church of the Nazarene in Olathe, Kansas. His son’s death made him question God. This had to be really hard for him, as religious life was such a big part of his very core.

There are so many feel good stories in the readings and songs at church. They tell us about how God is looking over us. That he cares for us. We’re taught that if we follow him to our best ability, he’ll be looking out for us. God has our back.

Then our kid dies. Denny Apple sounds like he was a great kid. My son Richard wasn’t a saint, but he was a good kid and a fine young man. I was very proud of him. So how could God let something so horrible happen to such good kids?

In all my years attending Catholic schools I was told God is up there and is all seeing and knowing. He controls everything and has a reason for everything he does. I don’t believe this anymore.

I still believe there’s a God. I just don’t think God is watching and controlling everything that happens on earth. If he was, how could such pain be allowed?

I’ve told people that God has a lot of explaining to do. I still feel that way.

Mr. Apple had to deal with these same doubts at the same time as he was trying to be a minister leading others to God on a daily basis. The conflicts inside had to be overpowering.

But he made it through all that.

His story gives us hope. The enormity of the struggles he faced are clearly told, yet he came through it with his soul intact. Like all grieving parents he will never “get over” the loss of his son. He’s just learned to play with pain and he shows there’s hope we can too.

I highly recommend this book.

Life After the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning (my Amazon affiliate link)

The Compassionate Friends has partnered with the people at Legacy.com to bring you a special deal on a memorial website for your lost child. You can get a 14 day free trial to try their system and you will also get a 25% discount on your first year sponsorship. That’s what they call their hosting fee.

Here’s What You Can Do With These Tribute Sites

• Customize the design, yet create the site in 5 minutes using Legacy.com.’s 4-step process
• Include photos, videos, stories, and more
• Add music
• Invite family and friends to contribute and join in celebrating the life of a child
• And much more

Keep Your Child’s Memory Alive

I think all of us traveling this grieving parent pathway want to keep our child’s memory. These memorial websites are a simple way to do that and they let you share these memories with others, and let them share their memories with you.

I haven’t tried one of these because I already pay for this one. It looks like a nice system, and the price is pretty fair.

Get Your FREE Trial and Discount

To get this deal you should go to the page on The Compassionate Friends website. When you purchase a memorial site from that link TCF will get a share of the price to support their programs.

This little 64 page book is the first book about grief I added to my library.

Joanne, wife of Deacon John Shoulta from our church handed it to me at the funeral home during the visitation. It’s so small it fit in the inside pocket of my suit jacket.

I think I read it that night. The pages are small, so it only took about an hour.

This little book and I got off to a bit of a rocky start. In the introduction the author starts talking about grieving over stuff like having the boss you love be replaced by one you don’t like.

Or grieving over moving away to a new place and leaving friends behind. My kid is in a box and you’re worried about having to make new friends?

Is that why it’s called Good Grief - because that’s what people say when they read it?

OK I’ll be fair. The author wasn’t equating moving to a new neighborhood to having your child die. He is just pointing out we deal with grief in some form often. Much more than we realize – it’s “as natural as breathing”. Westberg says dealing with these little griefs points us in the way we’ll deal with a big one.

Like a lot of books dealing with grief this one lists stages of grief –  ten of them in this case:

1. We are in a state of shock.
2. We express emotion.
3. We feel depressed and very lonely.
4. We may experience physical symptoms of distress.
5. We may become panicky.
6. We feel a sense of guilt about the loss.
7. We are filled with anger and resentment.
8. We resist returning.
9. Gradually hope comes through.
10. We struggle to affirm reality.

The author goes on to cover each in a separate chapter.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonely. Just the opposite. I usually just want to be by myself – and can’t get people to leave me alone. This is especially true at work. Just way too much “teamwork” and too many meetings there.

I also don’t remember ever feeling panicky. Richard is dead. It’s much too late to panic now. I just feel sad.

So all these stages don’t apply to everyone. We’re all different. But it all still fits. And it was helpful to read at least a framework for what was ahead for us.

This may have been one of the best choices to read in those fog shrouded early days. I don’t think I could have made it through a long detailed book. I needed to know about the grief we were now forced to live. I was determined to live this grief, not hide from it. Good Grief was a valuable primer on the subject. You just have to keep an open mind on what grief is.

Amazon Link

Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss

Every day I have to remind myself as I get up in the morning that Richard will no longer come walking through the door asking “what’s for dinner, Mother?” As I go through the day I still am haunted by all the questions: the “woulda, coulda, shoulda,” done questions, yes, even after a year and seven and a half months since his death. Some days are worse than others:

This past weekend as I was looking for something to watch on TV my attention was captured by a news alert; the shooting in Arizona. I was shocked as I am sure everyone else was. And as the day progressed I found myself glued to the TV for more information. The devastation brought by the sick mind of this young man just broke my heart again. Then when we were told of the death of the youngest, 9 year old Christina, I found myself thinking of those first days and hours after Richard was found dead and I just wanted to grab her parents and hold on. I know what they are going through, the fog that surrounds them, the pain they’re suffering; its overwhelming.

Then last night “Wednesday” I had thought to watch the “memorial” service being held for those killed. I was again heart broken as I saw what should have been a respectful, thoughtful, prayerful memorial turned into an absolute mockery! It seemed more like a circus or pep-rally complete with the t-shirt souvenirs. I turned to some old reruns instead. I don’t know if any of Christina’s family was there, but I do know if it had been my son they were using for this outrageous gathering I would have walked out!!! I would have been absolutely insulted to have the death of my son used in such a disrespectful way as I saw happening last night.

I felt just as angry about this so called memorial as I was when I heard the “Westboro Baptist” group was going to be there to protest at this child’s funeral.

Today (Thursday) there were two funerals I concerned my thoughts for; the one for Christina in Arizona, 9 years old, and the other just down the road in Frankfort for a high school junior, Trista, killed Saturday in a car accident. My thoughts are for the families of these children who died too soon, as our own precious Richard did. My heart aches for their families, for their pain knowing their lives will be forever changed. They too will wake in the mornings and have to remember their precious child will no longer walk into the kitchen to ask, “what’s for dinner, Mother”.

I thank God for the time we had with our son. He was such a joy, I will miss him always and I guess as I experience this journey through greif, I will continue suffer the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” questions even though I know it doesn’t matter, he’s gone. Richard is with God now, of that I am absolutely positive. I just wish, as do all those other mothers, we could have had him for a while longer….but it still wouldn’t be enough when they die too soon.

Photo Credit:

Christina Taylor Green
http://www.kpho.com/image/26414686/detail.html

I’ve built a lot of websites.

One of the most important things for a website is links. It’s the life blood of the Internet. The search engines such as Google view links from other sites as votes for that site. The more links the more votes, and the higher a site will be in the search results.

So I’ve added a new feature to the sidebar of this site. I call it the Blogroll From Hell. It has links to other sites. You’ll find it towards the bottom of the right hand sidebar.

Trust me, you don’t want a link there.

Sites I link to in the Blogroll From Hell are blogs and websites of other grieving parents.

There are only a few links now. As I become aware of other such sites I’ll add them in.

I hope there are never any new ones to add.