It’s been there for over a year now.

Sitting right on my computer desk.

One of the things I brought home from Richard’s apartment was that microcassette recorder pictured above. There were several cassettes, all looking new and unused.

I finally popped them into the recorder and hit play.

They were mostly blank.

But on one was Richard’s voice, “Testing one, two, three, foor, five…” Yes he was thorough.

It was nice to hear his voice again, like it sounded just 14 months ago. I wish there had been more.

We have many videos of the kids. I haven’t developed the courage yet to watch them. But I think they were all from a time when he was young, still just a child. As he reached the teens and young adulthood he didn’t cooperate much with the movie thing.

So this cassette may be the only recording of his adult voice.

I’d like to hear the real thing, live.

But maybe it’s better than nothing.

We have another Richard brick.

There’s a nice little park located in Frankfort, KY called Cove Spring Park. Way off in the back corner, tucked into the trees is a beautiful memorial garden sponsored by The Compassionate Friends of Frankfort, KY. At the center of the garden is a raised round flower bed, with a statue in the middle. Paver brick surround the flower bed.

Many of those bricks have names. And dates. One has Richard’s name and his time on earth.

Sunday they held a brick laying ceremony and a balloon release. There are now more than 100 memorial bricks in that garden. The number of  tears those bricks represent is uncountable.

After the balloons disappeared from view we enjoyed a potluck style picnic.

It was nice spending time, enjoying life, laughing and eating with others in TCF. People from all walks of life and different stages in the grief journey, that have become brothers and sisters because of a bond we never wanted to share.

Click the thumbnail pictures below to see larger images.

We went on a short vacation last week.  I‘m not a big fan of traveling, but I think it helped.

Staying busy is a good thing. It helps you stay out of that dark hole grieving parents can sink into so quickly. But it seems to help more if it’s something out of the ordinary.

I can stay busy mowing the grass or something routine like that. But I can do that on autopilot, so my mind still can think about how much I miss Richard. Doing something different keeps my brain occupied.

We went to Mount Vernon during the beginning of our trip. I’ve always wanted to see it. Washington was our greatest leader.

I visited him at his tomb. I had a talk with him – a silent talk – I didn’t want all those other people around me to think I was nuts.

I asked him how he and Martha handled it, loosing a child. It was much more common back then. I’m sure it wasn’t any easier though. Yet he and others like him did handle it. And they started a new nation.

Maybe that was their secret. Starting a country would have to keep you pretty darn busy.

I like the Abraham Lincoln quote in the picture above.

In many ways it describes Richard’s time here on earth. He had a lot of life in those short years. We have a big montage of him. There are many pictures of him doing things, trying new stuff.  There are so many more similar pictures that didn’t make it onto the montage – we were limited to 30 or so images.

He lived.

And he enjoyed the living. I know that’s true because he smiled most of the time. Even when things got tough, he’d get this little grin on his face and plod onward.

Our task as grieving parents is to start living again.

I always admired Richard’s ability to keep his head up when faced with strong adversity. He never faced an adversity like what we face now. But I’m determined to remember his example and live up to it. I keep picturing that impish grin in my mind and plod onward.

If you want the picture above (it makes a good wallpaper for your computer desktop) here is a link to a 1600px X 1200px version you can save to your computer.

Lincoln quote wallpaper 274K

And here is an even larger version, 2560px X 1600px suitable for printing.

Lincoln quote printable 504K

Dear Lucas,

We’ve never met. But I’ve thought of you often during the past year. Just wanted to send you a quick note to wish you a happy birthday.

I’m Richard’s dad. I’m sure you two have met by now. He’s got the plot just up the hill from you. I visit him often. While checking out his neighbors – beside his grandmother who is right behind him up the hill there (she’s my mom) – I couldn’t help but notice you.

Isn’t it wild that you and Richard were almost exactly the same age when you died? Right at 3 months short of being 24 years old.

What did people call you? Lucas? Luc? Maybe you went by your middle name, Graham? If you were Graham did anyone shorten it and just call you Ham? Sorry, I have a weird sense of humor. Having my kid die hasn’t improved it I’m afraid.

I have no idea what brought you here to Grove Hill Cemetery. Were you sick? Have a wreck? Were you like so many, and decided life was too tough and ended it yourself? Did someone do something horrible to you?

I’ve thought of calling your parents to ask about you. Maybe they could give me some pointers on dealing with this awful loss that we share. Just haven’t screwed up the courage for that yet. But someday.

I can tell by the picture of you etched into your headstone that you had a pleasant smile. Richard had a great smile and he knew how to use it. I really miss that smile.

Here is a birthday present someone left you.

I can also see you were into golf. They attached one of your golf clubs and your hat to your monument. That’s kinda neat.

Someone left you some new golf balls for your birthday. Don’t know if you need them, you probably never loose one when you play up there.

Richard liked golf too. We still have his golf clubs upstairs.

He’d probably play a few rounds with you. Maybe you’ve already played. Probably so.

Anyhow, happy birthday.

I know your parents are missing you today. I know they’re missing you everyday, but today the volume on that is amplified a lot. I’ll say a prayer for them.

I hope you enjoy the flowers I left for you. It still seems sort of strange giving flowers to a guy. But everything seems strange these days, so what the hell.

Best wishes,
Joe Mudd

P.S. When you see Richard again, tell him to call home. I’ve got questions. Thanks.

Though it often hasn’t felt possible after Richard’s death, life does indeed go on.

Spring is when nature shows us there is hope. There is new life.

I took my camera to the cemetery this morning. Even in a place that is the focus of our pain there is also much beauty.

Hope you enjoy the pictures (click the thumbnail pictures below to see the full size image).

Invictus – William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

Pictured above is my uniform for the day. They were Richard’s clothes.

One of the sacraments in the Catholic church is Confirmation. When we were babies our parents chose to have us baptized into the Catholic church. When we get older, usually middle school aged, we confirm that we choose this faith for ourselves. One element of the Sacrament of Confirmation is choosing a Confirmation name. The young person picks the name of a saint to be their patron.

Richard chose Patrick as his confirmation name.

We are having today’s mass offered for Richard.

We also bought some shamrocks to plant at his grave. But not knowing how cold/frost tolerant they are, we’ll wait for warmer weather to actually put them in the ground.

This is a prayer composed by St. Patrick, also known as “St. Patrick’s Breast-Plate.”

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God’s Power to guide me,
God’s Might to uphold me,
God’s Wisdom to teach me,
God’s Eye to watch over me,
God’s Ear to hear me,
God’s Word to give me speech,
God’s Hand to guide me,
God’s Way to lie before me,
God’s Shield to shelter me,
God’s Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

We need no special days to remember Richard, in fact we think of him every day. But this is a day to honor his memory and his spirit.

And to miss him.

One of the best things for spiritual healing is to get outside. Into the sunshine – into the light.

Winter makes this hard to do. But spring is finally offering it’s first teasing tastes of better days ahead.

This weekend brought us temps in the low 50′s and sunshine.

I went out to my garden and planted some onions.

I felt good to be in the warm rays of the sun again. To breath fresh healing air.

As I worked on my knees putting the onion plants into the soil I heard a noise. It was in the stack of tomato cages I have piled up in the middle of the garden. I thought there were birds in there flapping around. But no birds. Just air swirling around with a bunch of leaves. A mini tornado. It moved around inside the cages, then worked its way to the end of the pile and moved away.

I got up to go to the shed. Another mini tornado popped up in front of me. It swilled around before me. Sort of led the way to the shed then vanished.

Was that some kind of sign from Richard? Or just the spring breeze?

Who knows?

Like most of life since Richard left us, I have no answers.

Just lots of questions.

The Compassionate Friends have an annual candle lighting ceremony and lighting candles is an important ritual in the Catholic Church. I light candles for Richard at least once a week.

So why do we light candles?

In lighting candles we see our prayer rising up to heaven. We join our prayer in solidarity with others that have lit candles before us.

Also in the literature about life after death you see a lot about moving into the light. And in the Bible, Christ says, “I am the light of the world.” So our candles become a symbol of the One Light of Christ.

In Catholic churches candles are usually placed before statues of saints. In our church the candles are before statues of the Blessed Mother and Joseph. In our faith we ask these saints to intercede on our behalf. With their personal relationships with Christ, we believe their intercession gives our prayer more power.

While saying prayers for Richard and others I love, I also offer prayers for those souls that don’t have anyone on earth praying for them.