Grieving Parent

Month: May 2010

  • One Year

    We’ve completed our “year of firsts.”

    We had several days to remember.

    Mother’s day was the anniversary of the last time we saw Richard. It was a tough day.

    May 22nd was the last time anyone in the family talked to him. Debbie called him that Friday evening about his plans for the weekend. She was checking to see if he would be home for our family celebration of his cousin Hannah’s graduation from college. He had to work.

    I’m sure he died on May 23rd. No one saw him or heard from him from that day on. I’m certain that as he began to wake up that morning he went into siezures. He never knew what was happening. At least I hope he didn’t.

    May 28th last year we got that awful call from the coronor. And we had to tell Sarah her little brother was dead – on her birthday.

    So we had a lot of days to remember.

    Like there would be any way we could ever forget.

  • Mother’s Day

    Mother’s Day

    Yesterday was Mother’s Day. A hard day for all bereaved moms.

    It was Debbie’s first Mother’s Day with Richard gone. It came with all the pain of no longer having him there to tell her “Happy Mother’s Day”, of not getting another goofy card from her kid and from just knowing he is gone.

    But it is also a tough day for both of us because on Mother’s Day one year ago, we saw Richard for the last time.

    He worked on Saturday night, as a waiter at Logan’s Steak House. He drove to our house after he got off work, arriving in the early morning hours, so he could visit his mom on Mother’s Day.  He went to church with us and got to stay for just a short time after, as he had to work that afternoon.

    We told him goodbye and watched him leave for Lexington. That was the very last time we laid eyes on him. We never saw Richard again.

    So we knew it would be a stressful day.

    How did we handle it?

    We decided to run away – sort of.

    Debbie still has a hard time making it through church without tears. She remembers seeing Richard at mass every week, usually standing in the back  and getting “volunteered” to help the ushers. The sermons on Mother’s Day often revolve around motherhood type themes. There is also a recognition of the moms at the service, usually they are asked to stand and all us non-moms clap for them. We knew this would be an emotional land mine for her.

    So we didn’t go to church Sunday. Sorry God – please forgive us.

    We went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. But we didn’t go to our local Cracker Barrel in Shelbyville. We drove to Louisville to eat.

    After returning home and changing clothes we went to Kroger and bought some stuff for supper and some flowers – tulips – to take to the cemetery.

    We put tulips at my mom’s grave and at Richard’s.

    We also cleaned the bird poop off Richard’s headstone and did a few plantings at his grave.

    The plan was to go home, fix dinner on the grill and watch some movies together.

    We just wanted to stay away from everyone and spent the day together.

    That was the plan.

    Then I got a call from my dad. He said the tomato plants were already too tall and I needed to come over and get them before the rain came in tonight.  My dad is the tomato plant supplier for all of our family.

    So I went to the farm and got tomato plants. I brought them home.

    Debbie and I then spent a good portion of the remaining day light planting tomatoes. We put in 25 plants.

    Then we fixed our ribeye’s on the grill.

    It was a nice day in a sad sort of way.

  • Richard the Cutlery Salesman

    Richard the Cutlery Salesman

    Richard and I were often told how much we were alike. I’m sure that didn’t bother me near as much as it did him. But it was true. In fact, I came to think of him as the new improved version of me.

    One example of the apple not falling far from the tree – Cutco.

    Back in the caveman era when I was attending the University of Kentucky I saw an ad in the Lexington paper offering a flexible good paying job to college kids. To find out more you had to attend a meeting at a local hotel. I went to the meeting.

    Turns out the “job” was being a salesman for Cutco Cutlery.

    Cutco makes kitchen knives and gadgets. They’re really great products. They’re also very expensive. They’re the kind of knives your kids will fight over when you pass on.

    One of Cutco’s marketing models it having college kids sell their products. The salesperson went to the prospects house and gave a presentation. When it came time to talk price they always wanted you to quote the price on a weekly basis. They setup payment plans. The full price for a set of knives and kitchen accessories would cause sticker shock.

    If you got good at selling knives they promised to move you up to the waterless cookware division where the money was better.

    I signed up to be a salesman.

    I have no idea why I did that. I was very shy. Going out and talking to strangers about expensive knives was way out of my comfort zone. The demonstrator set I bought was the only set I sold.

    Imagine my surprise when Richard came home and asked us to buy some knives from him. Yep, he had signed up to sell Cutco.

    He was much better at than I was.

    The first step they teach is to make a list of all your relatives, friends, and acquaintances. This is your “warm market” – people that know you and will be more likely to listen to your presentation.

    Richard did as instructed. He gave a lot of presentations. He sold something to just about everyone he talked to. He sold to the parents of his friends, his teachers, and people from church. I don’t think he hit the family members too much.

    We would get reports back from people we know that bought knives from him. They were amazed at his professionalism. He was well known for his rather “casual” style of dress. He wore shorts and a t-shirt to church, even in the worst of winter cold. Having him show up in dress clothes and a tie was a shock for them.

    This was one of his jobs during a summer break from college. I don’t think he ever sold a full set, but he sold something to just about everyone.

    Seems like he got about a 10% commission. So spending an hour to sell someone a $70 knife didn’t make him rich. He did end up with a full set of knives and several kitchen gadgets – many of them prizes for high sells.

    I was proud of him for overcoming his shyness and doing a hard job well.