Grieving Parent

Month: October 2009

  • A Brick In Memory of Richard

    A Brick In Memory of Richard

    After Richard’s death we asked friends and family to make donations in memory of him to a couple of charities.

    Since Richard was an eagle scout the Boy Scouts of America were a natural choice.

    We also chose the WHAS Crusade for Children. The Crusade for Children is a local charity, featuring a weekend long telethon on WHAS 11 TV in Louisville.

    From their website:

    Our Mission

    The WHAS Crusade for Children exists to change the lives of children with special needs in Kentucky and Indiana.

    Our Vision

    To be able to fully fund all grant requests for organizations that provide help to children with special needs.

    Watching your 20-something child struggle with his health is really tough. I think it would be even more devastating to watch a small child fight health problems that will affect most of them for their entire life.

    The Crusade gives them hope.

    My brother Stuart and his wife Lori made a donation to the Crusade. I guess that at a certain level of donation you can have a brick placed on a special memorial sidewalk. Stuart and Lori got a brick for Richard.

    The WHAS Crusade for Children sent us a nice certificate citing this gift and giving us the location of our brick.

    Debbie went today and took a picture of the brick.

    This is a nice way to remember someone you love and help someone that really needs it.

    Thanks Stuart and Lori.

  • Our First Halloween at the Cemetery

    Our First Halloween at the Cemetery

    Richard was a big fan of Halloween. So we had to do a little decorating around his tombstone.

    One tradition at our church has been a Halloween party for the kids. As part of this celebration there was often a haunted house – if there were enough older kids to run it.

    When Richard was in Youth Group there was never a problem getting a crew for the haunted house. He loved running the haunted house.

    Among the stuff still in Richard’s room are his props for Halloween. There is the ragged Dallas Cowboys t-shirt. Full of holes, with no sleeves, and adorned with dried fake blood, he wore it for years. There is all his makeup for creating cuts and bruises. And his big bottle of “blood.”

    And of course the big plastic skeleton. He had it for years. It’s gotten in pretty bad shape. Richard had to duct tape it back together in several places.

    I wanted to take it to the cemetery and sit it up against the headstone. But I didn’t want someone to come along and steal it.

    There was no haunted house planned for this years church party.

    But it would be really cool if Richard showed up and staged one of his own. A real haunted house this time.

    With one very special ghost.

  • Full of Joy?

    Full of Joy?

    The Responsorial Psalm at mass yesterday got my attention. It was:

    “The Lord has done great things for us. We are filled with joy.”

    Filled with joy?

    It’s now been five months since Richard left us.

    I’ll admit the Lord has done great things for us. And I’m grateful for them. Honest.

    And I keep trying to figure out what happiness means without Richard in our life. And that’s the problem.

    My imagination just can’t paint that picture. For 22 years just about everything that I consider a part of happiness has included Richard. He was often the primary source of that happiness. For me, happiness and family are nearly the same word. And joy is beyond happiness. A higher level of happiness maybe. And even more dependent on family.

    And now such a big part of family and joy is gone.

    So, I’m not filled with joy. Not yet. Maybe never again.

  • Questions with No Answers

    Questions with No Answers

    The death of your child leaves you with a lot of questions.

    There are lots of “what if” and “why didn’t I” type questions. The ones that come from that guilty feeling that you should have done something to prevent this.

    But I have other questions. Questions I’ll never be able to answer.

    • The day before Richard died he bought a new Bible. It was a large print version. Like us old people might need. It was on his bed. Like the typical college male that he was, Richard slept on the couch of his one room apartment and used the bed as a storage shelf. Why did he buy this Bible. He already had his Catholic Youth Bible with him. Why the large print. Was this going to be a gift?
    • Richard was found face down in the middle of the room. Did he come out of the seizures long enough to get up and start across the room or did he fall asleep on the floor while watching TV?
    • His computer was in hibernate mode. It says he had 4 programs running. What were they? What was he doing on the computer in those last few hour of his life?
    • There were 2 huge chocolate tombstones in his room. Still in the boxes. What’s with those?
    • Richard went to the local Arby’s and bought 2 large roast beef sandwiches and a large Coke. Cost nearly $13. It was probably his last meal. It was past 2am when he bought this. He ate it in his car on the way home. The empty containers were still in the car.  Why was he at Arby’s at 2am? Did he just get off work? Did he get hungry and go out for a snack?
    • How long did it take for Richard to die? Did he know what was happening to him or did the seizure cloud his mind enough to keep him from knowing he was helpless and dying?
    • There were several dozen eggs in his refrigerator. Was he really going to eat that many eggs? The Cousins have told us many funny stories about Richard’s experimental recipes with eggs. So the answer to that question is probably yes.
  • Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

    Saying Thank You Shouldn’t Be So Tough

    After Richard’s funeral we wrote thank you cards like crazy.

    We sent one to just about everyone that signed our guest book at the funeral home. And to all the people that sent flowers or food. We sent out several huge piles.

    We tried to avoid being too generic, and put personal notes in each card. We wanted to express our real gratitude for the love and support that so many had given us.

    But we had to save some for later.

    I find it so hard to express my feelings to these loved ones. The people that have shared our lives. People that shared Richard’s life. That enjoyed him and loved him. People that were feeling great pain from his loss as well as we were.

    And now more than 4 months after the funeral they are still unwritten.

    My mother-in-law fell this weekend and broke her hip.

    I figured while sitting in her hospital room would be a good time to get these done.

    I wrote to three sets of aunts and uncles. A couple of these traveled a great distance to be with us. They all went together and bought us a nice granite bench to put in the cemetery. I love them all a great deal. They’ve been a big part of my life. I feel guilty for taking so long to thank them.

    Then I started writing to “the cousins.” These three ladies grew up with Richard. He loved them. They loved him. I don’t know if we would have made it through the funeral process without them.

    I began with Hannah. She has referred to Richard as her “cousin slash big brother.” They were close in age so they shared all the big family events. They did First Communion together. Had Confirmation together. Both were August babies, so they had many combined birthday parties. While not attending the same schools, they graduated from high school the same year, and got to share in a family celebration of their accomplishment. They were both supposed to graduate from college this year.

    Richard fell behind because of the medical issues. Something about a couple of brain surgeries seemed to slow him down. He told Hannah he had the brain surgery so she could finally have a party by herself.

    For most of one school year Richard shared an apartment with Hannah and Shelby. Shelby is Hannah’s little sister and another of “the cousins.”

    They were very close.

    As I wrote the note to Hannah I started remembering all the times they had together growing up.  And how much they meant to one another. And my eyes started watering up.

    It’s hard to write with tears in your eyes.

    So I got 4 cards done.